I wish you didn’t have to leave us when you did and so much has changed since you’ve been away but some things are exactly as you left them. Exactly as you built them to be.

I see so much of you in all the kids. But mostly in Ej. He’s got your witt and your desire for knowledge. I think that’s the nicest way to say inquisitively nosey I’ve ever used! He loves knowing what’s going on and when I come home I often look up in the window and see him waving to me. In those moments there I am again… looking up at you in the window on 180 st. Sometimes he texts me when I’m out and asks when we will be home and honestly I love it because it’s reliving those moments with you. When he talks to me I sometimes fight back tears because it’s like talking to you. His mannerisms, his facial expressions, everything. He’s the quiet worrier who just wants his whole family home safe under the same roof. He’s so much of you.

Some morning when Ella strolls through my kitchen and chirps out, “Good morning” for that brief second you’re alive again standing behind me. Ella’s matter of fact way of taking on life and her ability to ignore the bs is a mirror of you. She’s tiny and tough. She sees through the garbage but doesn’t hold a grudge too long. She sparkles when she talks about the things she loves! So much like you.

Emma…. That beautiful sole has every scrap of tenacity and hard working grit you showed her over the years and is running with it. She is kind and loving but stronger than maybe all of us put together. She’s quiet but a little sassy. She’s dedicated, hardworking and loyal to a fault…. Just like you.

And Jacob…. Jacob got your soft side. Your love. Your want of everyone to be happy and get along. Jacob got your urge to hug me even at the most inopportune times! (I don’t fight them like I did with you… I drop whatever I’m doing and soak them in because I know better now). Jacob got your love. He sees the meaning in the little things. He loves the little things. He loves making other people happy with gifts and surprises. He’s just like you… eye roll and all.

And me…. Well I got every piece I could sweep up. All the broken bits are in a jar in my heart. That night when I sat next to you and held your hand as life quietly read out your last page I knew all these little bits of you cumulatively built me strong enough to get through to my stories last page without you. I know you aren’t physically here any more but I recognize your work everywhere. I look at these kids, at your son and see you looking back at me so often. But in the quiet moments when I’m alone I see you in me. Not just because as I age my face is aging the same way yours did. Not because my hair is greying slowly but fast enough to noticeably piss me off but because I do things the way you did. I get frustrated at stupid people and instantly bitch about it to my best friend. I get mad and say fuck it and then five minutes later return to fix whatever the problem is. I threaten to burn it all to the ground and act tough and then get soft because I don’t want to burn it all at all. I stare at the birds quietly and cry in the shower when I need to (yes I always knew) I spoil (love) these kids with little treats and silly outings I pray they hold dear when they are older like I do with the memories of you doing the same for me. Like this past fall I realized why I love that time of year so much… it was the trip down to the river in Fort Langley to collect colorful leaves and how we arranged them in a basket with the little witch and cat soaps as a decoration for the table with a bowl of smarties out of the bulk section at Safeway. You made a lifetime memory for me out of something so simple. You made so much out of so little. You left me with the knowledge that engaging with people matters. Yesterday I met a stranger and before parting ways we hugged and had quietly both shed a tear for you and for her departed son. You put me where I needed to be yesterday. From you I got the knowledge to trust my gut and be where it’s telling me I need to be.

I keep your manuscript close in my heart and refer to it often for knowledge and wisdom.

Your star burns so bright because I refuse to let anyone forget about it. We talk about you. I love when we are doing something and one of the kids blurts out “Grandma would love this” . Food, places, trinkets, they never miss an opportunity to point it out! Earlier this week on the way home from school they talked about how you always had a Tim Hortons coffee in your hand and a box of Timbits for them to share. We got donuts the next day after school.

❤️❤️❤️❤️