Because no matter how hard I try to forget the smell of that hospital in winter it is burned into my memory. Sometimes I catch a whiff of it despite being years removed, in those moments that smell is as sharp and astringent as it ever.
Knowing that smell took so much from me… not once but twice.
Despite knowing that this year has been better than the last and the last before that…. I still carry it all.
of a younger me.
I wish you didn’t have to leave us when you did and so much has changed since you’ve been away but some things are exactly as you left them. Exactly as you built them to be.
I see so much of you in all the kids. But mostly in Ej. He’s got your witt and your desire for knowledge. I think that’s the nicest way to say inquisitively nosey I’ve ever used! He loves knowing what’s going on and when I come home I often look up in the window and see him waving to me. In those moments there I am again… looking up at you in the window on 180 st. Sometimes he texts me when I’m out and asks when we will be home and honestly I love it because it’s reliving those moments with you. When he talks to me I sometimes fight back tears because it’s like talking to you. His mannerisms, his facial expressions, everything. He’s the quiet worrier who just wants his whole family home safe under the same roof. He’s so much of you.
Some morning when Ella strolls through my kitchen and chirps out, “Good morning” for that brief second you’re alive again standing behind me. Ella’s matter of fact way of taking on life and her ability to ignore the bs is a mirror of you. She’s tiny and tough. She sees through the garbage but doesn’t hold a grudge too long. She sparkles when she talks about the things she loves! So much like you.
Emma…. That beautiful sole has every scrap of tenacity and hard working grit you showed her over the years and is running with it. She is kind and loving but stronger than maybe all of us put together. She’s quiet but a little sassy. She’s dedicated, hardworking and loyal to a fault…. Just like you.
And Jacob…. Jacob got your soft side. Your love. Your want of everyone to be happy and get along. Jacob got your urge to hug me even at the most inopportune times! (I don’t fight them like I did with you… I drop whatever I’m doing and soak them in because I know better now). Jacob got your love. He sees the meaning in the little things. He loves the little things. He loves making other people happy with gifts and surprises. He’s just like you… eye roll and all.
And me…. Well I got every piece I could sweep up. All the broken bits are in a jar in my heart. That night when I sat next to you and held your hand as life quietly read out your last page I knew all these little bits of you cumulatively built me strong enough to get through to my stories last page without you. I know you aren’t physically here any more but I recognize your work everywhere. I look at these kids, at your son and see you looking back at me so often. But in the quiet moments when I’m alone I see you in me. Not just because as I age my face is aging the same way yours did. Not because my hair is greying slowly but fast enough to noticeably piss me off but because I do things the way you did. I get frustrated at stupid people and instantly bitch about it to my best friend. I get mad and say fuck it and then five minutes later return to fix whatever the problem is. I threaten to burn it all to the ground and act tough and then get soft because I don’t want to burn it all at all. I stare at the birds quietly and cry in the shower when I need to (yes I always knew) I spoil (love) these kids with little treats and silly outings I pray they hold dear when they are older like I do with the memories of you doing the same for me. Like this past fall I realized why I love that time of year so much… it was the trip down to the river in Fort Langley to collect colorful leaves and how we arranged them in a basket with the little witch and cat soaps as a decoration for the table with a bowl of smarties out of the bulk section at Safeway. You made a lifetime memory for me out of something so simple. You made so much out of so little. You left me with the knowledge that engaging with people matters. Yesterday I met a stranger and before parting ways we hugged and had quietly both shed a tear for you and for her departed son. You put me where I needed to be yesterday. From you I got the knowledge to trust my gut and be where it’s telling me I need to be.
I keep your manuscript close in my heart and refer to it often for knowledge and wisdom.
Your star burns so bright because I refuse to let anyone forget about it. We talk about you. I love when we are doing something and one of the kids blurts out “Grandma would love this” . Food, places, trinkets, they never miss an opportunity to point it out! Earlier this week on the way home from school they talked about how you always had a Tim Hortons coffee in your hand and a box of Timbits for them to share. We got donuts the next day after school.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
Fifteen may not seem like a lot when you’re talking about stars in the sky, trees in the forest or vintage Christmas decorations in my house but when you’re talking about years of marriage….. It’s a big number.
Every year we measure and mark the passing of time in so many ways, In big ways like the celebration of birthdays and holidays. In small ways like planting seeds in the spring and harvesting crops in the fall. We all quietly know time and life is passing, we can’t stop it or slow it down. In the grand scheme of life 15 years is a small number for most but for others it’s a lifetime.
15 years of marriage tho…. In our world that’s a big deal. It’s a milestone that has traveled a path of happiness and sadness. The path to this milestone is littered with quiet intimate moments and loud chaotic moments. It’s an airport hangar full of bags. Bags packed neatly full of memories. Some bags fondly remembered with the urge to unpack and relive everything about those times. Other bags packed tightly and buried deeply with the hope of never disturbing the dust. Whether the bag is one we’d like to rip open and immerse ourselves back into or the bag is one in which we have zero inkling to ever touch again those are our bags and they built the foundation and walls of this life.
This past Saturday Kevin and I reached that milestone. 15 years of marriage. 15 years of building this life together. 15 years of building this little family. 15 years of showing up. 15 years of smiles, 15 years of tears, 15 years of working together through the good and bad. 15 years of I love you’s, a few I hate you’s and ultimately the realization that if we lost each others love it would tear our whole world apart.
For 15 years we have joked about this being the longest one night stand EVER. In these 15 years we’ve slammed a few doors in each others faces and almost called it quits a few times. We’ve on occasion said awful things to each other. For 15 years tho no matter what has happened we’ve always found our way back to each other. Back to the love we felt that day in Vegas. Back to goodnight kisses and good morning boob squeezes. Back to each other every single day.
We didn’t celebrate this milestone in a big flashy way. In fact we had an argument the night before. We started the day annoyed and distant with each other. We did however acknowledge this milestone by doing exactly what we’ve done for 15 years… we spent the day doing little errands that could have waited but forced us to be in close proximity to each other. As the hours of the day past we joked, we teased and we got past the hurt of the argument. Little reminders of I love you in quiet ways. We ate Chinese take out on the couch and felt the warmth and safety of just being beside each other. We did exactly what we’ve done to make it to this big milestone. We loved each other even when it was hard.
The leaves bursting with stunning color and the first morning of frost serves as a reminder that it’s time to let go and slow down.
These Autumn leaves falling down into place… covering up the spots we used as our own all summer long.
Springtime might be the season of new life but Autumn feels like home somehow. When the air turns crisp and you get a second to catch your breath. A minute to reflect on the year. The summer moments still burned into your mind like it all happened yesterday. Your skin still holding on to that sun kissed reminder of those hours spent taking it all in.
Too fresh to feel real yet.
Childhood….the days when it felt like an eternity between the first day of school and summer vacation! 10 months that felt like 10 years. Those days we had no idea how quickly the days would pass later in life.
Watching Jacob enjoy his summer this year took me back to my preteen years. A time before responsibilities. A time before screens. A time when my brain still let my imagination run the show. I remember how the dry grass felt on my feet. How the cold lake water took my breath away but I’d jump in over and over. I remember how exciting it was to get to the cabin. How ice cream melted so fast in the hot sun. The smell of campfire smoke in my hair as I drifted off to sleep.
I was lucky enough to relive all these feelings and more this past summer with my little family.
This summer I remembered what summer freedom felt like. This summer I remembered what summer love feels like. This summer I let myself live so many adventures. This summer I found a happiness I’d misplaced a long time ago.
I am blessed to feel safe enough in this life to let Jacob go off on big adventures with friends that I only dreamed of as a child. A week at camp, sleepovers hours away from home, the waterslides, tree swings, hiking, bike riding, trailer camp outs, beach walks, ocean side fires, kayaking, target shooting, paddle boarding, sturgeon fishing!!
Someone said to me this summer “Wow your child is living his best life!” and it reminded me how lucky I am to be living his best life with him. It reminded me how much I learn from him and from being a Mom.
It’s hard to think about the small number of summers we have left before Jacob isn’t as keen on adventures with Mom and Dad. For now I’m going to lean into these adventures, lean into the best life we get to experience together. I’m going to savour the way the late summer sun feels in the afternoon and the way I feel safe in a way I’ve never experienced or understood until now.
For now I’m going to keep letting myself let it all in. Im going to leave the walls crumbled on the ground. I’m going to enjoy the novelty that is me, that is this adventure! I’m going to enjoy the last few kisses in the summer sun. I’m just going to let it happen….
Champagne problems!
All of this silence and patience, pining in anticipation….desperately waiting.
I’d like to go back to spilling wine and you kissing my face in the moonlight.
I wondered quietly to myself as I pulled into the parking spot at Williams park if I’d get a sign they were there with us….
As soon as we picked a spot and the boys took off into the water Eric pointed out the owl…
I stood in the very spot I’d stood with my Dad so many times as a child admiring this beautiful bird for a long time.
Just like the Christmas snow the sign could not be any clearer.
The signs are always there when you pay attention 🍀🦉❤️
Life With The McGavins 