Odd flashes of light that don’t make any sense.

When you think you’ve got the grief handled it rears its head after a week of happiness. It knocks you down when you feel like yourself. You can’t float because it has a way of taking the wind from your sails and the worst part is you can’t figure out why it comes like this.

I was told the best thing to do is sit with the grief. Feel it. Embrace it. I can tell you at 5 am just days before my 42 birthday I don’t want to feel it.. I want to shake it. I want to feel like I did on better days this week. I want the sunshine to come back. I want to drink coffee with people I love. I want to laugh. I want to feel the sparks of life. I want to feel like me.

I think in reality it never goes away. Grief is like a chronic illness we will live with the rest of our lives. Sometimes the pain subsides but the symptoms always come back.

I can tell you it’s shitty.

I guess maybe the grief is a reminder to really embrace the good stuff. A reminder to really hold on to the people who make you feel loved and safe. A reminder to sit down and listen to those stories, Really hear the words. Memorize the sound of their voice. Trace the shape of those faces into your mind as you listen to them talk.

None of this life is anything we get to keep forever… Embrace the little moments, hug a little longer. Let the sunshine days recharge your soul so you’re strong enough to weather the mornings you wake up with dread.