I’ve made peace with the tiny letdowns and decided they still get a seat at the table.
Today I left the house without my phone, my coffee went cold, the mixed color bouquets were gone by the time I got to the stand for subscription pick up. I squished the fancy pastries from the quiet little bakery. The tiny bookstore didn’t have the book I wanted. It rained.
Delicious disappointments my friends!
There’s something kind of grounding about it: • coffee went cold → still good, just different.
• squished the pastry before I got a photo → still tasted like sweet perfection. • plans shift → still a fun day, just not the one I planed and pictured. • Bandit chewed the wrong paw → other one still healing, just… with attitude and a zillion dollars in wound wrap supplies!
This is not denial, it’s not forcing positivity—it’s more like: yeah, that’s not ideal… but I’m still here with it. And sometimes these moments end up being the ones that feel the most real. Quiet moments like sitting under a blanket, rain outside, Bandit half-asleep on me, scrolling with cold coffee beside me… Nothing dramatic, nothing perfect—just full, real life. The truth is (if we’re being honest) life is a little messy, a little funny, a little soft, a little hard and somehow still really good ☕
I’m just embracing it… the delicious disappointment aesthetic 🌷☕ • tulips I wouldn’t of picked as my first choice that should be in a nice vase… living their best beautiful life in a Starbucks cup. • rainy windshield, grey sky… but soft light. • truck interior, a little messy, a little real. • something pretty just casually existing in the middle of ordinary life. Nothing curated. Nothing trying too hard.
Thats where I’ve settled.
The reality is the tulips aren’t even fully open yet— they’re just… on their way. That’s kind of a whole refreshing vibe, isn’t it? Not perfect. Not finished. Not “Pinterest ready.” But still: • alive • soft • a little unexpected • quietly lovely
That’s where I’m at. I’m tired of striving for perfection. I’m tired of not embracing and living in the moment. I’ve settled and it’s gloriously freeing.
A small, gentle thing… sitting in a place that doesn’t match… and somehow making the whole moment better anyway.
I didn’t fix it or think “ugh I need a proper vase” I made a decision that “this works”… it’s beautiful and it’s enough for now. And that my friends is the whole philosophy.
because calorie don’t count when your heart has to wait 7-10 days for a lab report!
Bandit slept well throughout the night. I had to adjust her bandage as it was too tight with the swelling. Once we got that fixed up and her paw circulation returned to good we both dozed off.
My Dad always warned me about tying my wellbeing to an animal (2 or 4 legged). I guess now in my mid 40’s I understand what he meant. But honestly I’m not sorry. I know I’m definitely more feelings driven than many people. I know the heartbreak that comes with loving someone/something so deeply but I also know the joy. I know that no matter how this journey progresses I will never have regrets over bringing this beautiful (anxious, health problematic, bossy,EXPENSIVE) hound into our family. Bandit showed up when I needed her the most and she got me through those excruciatingly long, lonely days when my Dad’s dementia raged the worst. Her soft ears and warm hound squish offered moments of decompression for my exhausted, overwhelmed brain and my broken heart. Shes a living, breathing hound scented weighted blanket!
Sometimes I think Mom and Muffin hand picked her for me. The perfect mix of love and wild anxiety. They sent me a 4 legged version of me! Which is both beautiful and gut wrenchingly horrific!!!
This dog is 1/3 of my whole world. She means everything to me and I want the absolute best for her. I know in my heart that may not end up looking like what I’d planned for but whatever the next page of this journey looks like we will get through it together. Hand in paw! 🐾 💕
4018…. The number of days you’ve lived your life thus far….
In big loud ways and in quiet meaningful ways. Every day lends itself to you becoming the young man before us. Every experience you have is a lesson. Every lesson shapes who you are. Every moment this world is a better place because you’re in it. Remember to be true to you. Continue to be kind. Hold your head high with honour. Know you cannot please everyone all the time and that’s ok. Just continue to be you because you’re more than enough.
I’m spending today reliving moments of you in my mind. The moment they put you on my chest. The moment you laughed your first laugh. Your first terrifying steps. Your first day of school. Your first curse word. The first time my heart sank as you stepped foot on that 50 yard line. The fist time I watched your tiny heart break. The first time I let you venture out into this world without me by your side. My phone number sharpied on your arm! The first time you outsmarted me. The first time you protected me. The first time you walked away from someone who hurt you. The first time you showed the world what you’re made of. Every one of those moments rendered me speechless and so very proud of you.
Every day I watch as you grow up a little more. A far cry from that hospital room at 7:14 pm. That tiny little miracle with my name on his wrist. You were new to town and everyone was eager to meet you. Not much has changed because those who know you want to be near you. You make people feel seen and loved. You are wise beyond your years. You don’t run from the scary things, you handle them with grace. You hold your hand out to help others find their way through the dark. You still get that sly little smile when you’re up to no good. You know the meaning of home in a deep sense that many much older than you don’t grasp.
You are everything this world needs, you’re everything that is right in my world.
You’re kind, brave, and loyal.
Go on… take on this whole world! But remember you’ll always be my Baby boo bear. I can’t turn back time but you’ll always be my baby boy.
Jacob…. It’s the end of a decade but the start of an age (Don’t roll your eyes…I had to)
I love you more than words could ever express. You’re my greatest accomplishment. You’re my greatest love.
Today marks 3 years since you’ve been gone and honestly that day still feels like yesterday. Don’t get me wrong I’ve “moved on” like you always demanded but the 19 day period of January between your birthday and the day you left sits heavily on my chest each year. It’s hard to breathe, it’s hard to find the willingness to go about my day. Honestly it’s the darkest two weeks of my year. Maybe in time I’ll find a way to lighten it but for now I still let myself feel it. I sit with it quietly and drink a lot of coffee like you would have.
I think of you every day and frequently tell the boys how you would react to their hilariousness… that’s my nice way of saying stupidity! We talk about you a lot. They miss you. We all miss you. You’d be so proud of all of them. I sometimes picture you tossing the football with Jacob and enjoying hockey with Ej. I sometimes close my eyes and see you on the couch with Ella and Emma cuddled on either side. This is how I see you in my heart… love and happiness surround you.
I keep these moments by and by because it’s the only way I keep my missing you from crushing my chest the other days of the year.
Sometimes I catch you out of the corner of my eye. In the hallway, in the kitchen, in the yard. I know you hang around the house. Please don’t ever stop visiting. The driveway alarm lets me know.
She showed up in the passenger seat of our best friend’s car while I showed up alone in a full size Chevy Silverado that I backed into a parking spot. She looked confused but beautiful! I let her know that that particular driving skill terrified us for years and we would once go 3 entire years without driving because of anxiety and fear. Until one day we just said fuck it and did the scary thing! That at 39 years old we’d learn how to really drive with confidence and learn how to back up!
She questioned why I was out alone and I told her that I enjoy being alone sometimes. That I still love being with our friends but I frequently go shopping, for walks, coffee and to the gym alone. She asked if Katie and I were still friends and I told her yes of course! Our kids are friends too and her daughters call our husband Uncle Sasquatch! Baby Katie passed out on the spot!
We ordered our coffee and she side eyed me when I didn’t order fat free milk. I told her that I preferred the flavor of full fat dairy and the extra calories aren’t significant. She sighed in her size 8 lululemons and said “I guess we never lose the weight huh?” I tell her actually we did… we got to goal weight and it did not change how we felt about ourself! I told her at goal weight our body failed and we became the sickest we’d ever been. I told her about the debilitating hip pain, vomiting and the chronic hives. How we almost died during pregnancy from malnutrition…. But then I told her that while running a half marathon at 6 months postpartum I decided the amount of space my body took up on this earth was no longer going to be my constant focus. That yes I’d like to live in a smaller body but starving myself was no longer an option to achieve that. Unfortunately an autoimmune disease would predominantly decided our body shape and size and eventually we’d realized that a functioning pain free body was more important than a small body. I reassured her that we’d do the work and find our self worth and learn to love ourselves for who we are and not the size of our body!
When we went to our table her eyes grew wide as I took off my jacket. “Are those tattoos!?!?” Yes 12 of them! She gasped and I laughed. “I guess with all those you don’t talk to Dad anymore?” I told her not for a few years anyways… Not since he died shortly after mom passed away. She choked back a tear “but were still so young and they are dead”… yes sweet girl they died before we even got our stride as a real grown up but don’t worry we did our absolute best by them. We provided care in their last years and held their hands as they left this world. She stared quietly out the window trying to grasp that news.
She watched as I stood up and warmly embraced a tall well dressed man that had come through the door… “is that our husband? What happened to Shane!!” No sweet girl that’s not our husband, that’s one of our best friends! That particular man will teach you a very important lesson about truly knowing people, trusting your gut and forming your own opinions based on your truths!! It’s very important you double down and embrace that relationship and learning!
As for our husband… it’s not Shane either! We still love Shane…and talk weekly! Our kids are friends too! Our husband tho is the magic … he is a big stoic, husky bearded hunk who lets us away with far too much nonsense but offers us the utmost protection and safety. He is an amazing father and our rock! He lets us hide when the world gets too loud. He’s the kind of man that lets the big hound dog sit at the dinner table only because it makes us happy! He’s not your type…. He’s my type! You’ll understand eventually!
She giggled then sipped her low calorie fat free iced coffee and asked “you keep mentioning a child! I thought we didn’t want kids!” Well they originally told us it was unlikely we’d conceive but the universe had other plans and we have one son and he’s the most amazing gift we have in this life! Tho buckle up buttercup because he’s got your sass and personality! Motherhood is an adventure we didn’t plan for or see coming but don’t worry we’re kinda awesome at it!
She sat quietly for a long time and then asked “Nothing seems to have gone according to my plans…our teaching career must of! Right!?”
Nope! We did not pursue teaching… Psychology actually then nursing. Your life’s work will be providing comfort and support while caring for others but please remember to rest, trust your gut and care for yourself in the process. An awful, scary life event will almost take you out of your line of work and it’s imperative you fight through the darkness because another family needs you years after that assult and they become like family to you.
She sat quietly trying to absorb it all. Before leaving we embraced and she whispered “I think I’ll like being you!”
I held her close and reminded her not to rush it, enjoy every stage of this life, even when it seems unconventional because she’s going to meet her other two best friends… one at work and one because you’ll date her future husband!! I told her the secret that it all goes by faster than you can even grasp. I warned her there would be seasons of profound darkness and she’d almost give up but it’s important to know the deep darkness clears and things are beautiful. Life will never be perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.
I told her she would always feel everything. The whole of the good the heaviness of the bad. That our entire life we’d love so many people in so many ways. That we’d feel love on so many levels. I told her to make sure those people know she loves them. Don’t ever hide it. The love matters. Some would stay a life time and some would stay a season.
I made her promise to find her voice, find her confidence, use her voice and experience life as it comes!
Because no matter how hard I try to forget the smell of that hospital in winter it is burned into my memory. Sometimes I catch a whiff of it despite being years removed, in those moments that smell is as sharp and astringent as it ever.
Knowing that smell took so much from me… not once but twice.
Despite knowing that this year has been better than the last and the last before that…. I still carry it all.
Life With The McGavins 