The Things That You’ll Miss….

October 31, 2026… how did that happen???

Last night the kids carved pumpkins. Krista helped set them up on a plastic sheet in their kitchen, and the three of them went to town cutting, gutting, carving. Creating pumpkin masterpieces! I stayed curled on the couch under my warm blanket! I wandered up once to take a picture and tell them how crazy it is that they are all now grown enough to carve their own pumpkins unassisted.

This morning I felt it, though. I felt like I missed out on something, not because I particularly enjoy carving pumpkins, because I don’t! They’re cold and they’re gooey. But because, for a brief moment, my memory took me back to carving pumpkins in that little farmhouse I grew up in.

The house was small, two bedrooms… we used the back door…

When you’d walk in, you were in our entryway, which had a laundry pair on one side with an exposed hot water tank, and a big chest freezer on the other side. Two windows with yellow sheer curtains… When it snowed, if you laid across the laundry pair staring up out of that window, it felt like you were flying through the snow!! My Mom would turn on the dryer so my flight would be warm! If you visited us at Halloween, a pumpkin sat atop the freezer… When you came for Christmas, there was always a small poinsettia where the pumpkin had been.

Hang your coat on the tall golden coat rack… don’t be alarmed when it falls over… it was plastic, ridiculous, and the ’80s were the start of decor looks over function!

That door over there is the bathroom with its full-size antique clawfoot tub. Hand-built white cabinets and an oval mirror. Wicker laundry basket, wicker towel holder, wicker shelf, and a sink that worked 50/50 of the time! But that tub was glorious, and the proximity to the laundry pair meant Mom would often deliver warm-from-the-dryer towels as my bath ended. The smell of Ivory soap on my skin as I wrapped myself in a warm towel was perfection.

Walk through the room and you’re in the kitchen, but first look up to see where my dad hung his keys in the square archway.

He hung them from our old Jolly Jumper hook!

In the corner, a wood-burning stove with a gas oven and burners (which now sounds terrifying), with the big black chimney pipe going into the wall.

Olive green fridge.

Old dining table with the high-back chairs covered in cracked printed vinyl. Lots of browns and yellows… like the forest floor in early November before the snow.

A crystal sugar and cream set on the table on a doily… always full of sugar, but the cream jug held random tiny things my momma found in pockets, on the wicker bathroom shelf, on the floor! Usually a screw, a penny, a paper clip! Nothing of real value, but always be sure to check every now and then because she was known to get mad and dump it all in the garbage!

The only phone in the house, attached to the wall.

Those walls covered in wallpaper that my mom would change out every few years. Always turned out beautiful! She had a knack for wallpapering no one could match, but her mood in the process… watch out!

Two windows with cheery yellow curtains. One of those windows was used as a cat door. Always muddy paw prints on the outside wall as our cats would jump up to come inside. That’s the same window that got smashed one summer afternoon and replaced before my parents ever returned home. That’s one secret Earl and I never did tell them! 

Wood cupboards, upper and lower, along the one wall with a grey Formica countertop and double stainless sink. A coffee pot that seemed to always be full. A microwave (which I’m certain was the first produced 🤣).

The floors were old printed linoleum… also browns and golds. Definitely worse for wear in some spots, but that didn’t stop Mom from getting on her hands and knees to wax them! They always looked their best.

A wood breadbox on the counter, a mail sorter hung on the wall. Don’t rummage through it unless you like the wrath of Carol… it may have looked unorganized, but that was her filing system… Well, that and the papers beside the microwave and behind the breadbox!!

Always a bottle of Sunlight dish soap on the sink board.

Seasonal dish towels hung from the drawer pulls, and her hand-crocheted dishcloths rested over the sink divider. I can’t tell you how many times my brother and I stood in that spot after dinner arguing over who was washing and who was drying. I’d give my left pinky toe to do those dishes today.

Off the left side was a bedroom. Mine at one point, but Earl’s first, and for a brief time as kids we shared it. Small… wood paneling (except that one wall with superhero wallpaper… ever go to sleep with Superwoman and her lasso of truth staring at you?!!), a big window (but not so big Katie couldn’t jump out it….twice), and carpet in a hardwood print. The Donald Duck nightlight was a nice touch. Cozy.

The other doorway led to the living room. It felt giant at the time. But now I know how small it was. Again, brown carpet, I’m sure shag and lush at some point, but worn and soft in my day! I can almost remember the way it smelled.

A wood box TV sitting on the floor in the corner. On top, an old western wagon decor piece and the one remaining Clydesdale horse ornament. I used to stare at that treasure. Once, in a fever-induced delirium, I remember asking my Mom why the cowboys were floating. I still don’t know!

Always on a doily under the wagon… under everything, really. My grandmother made them. I still have some. I still use them, even when they weren’t shabby chic cool. Also a carved, almost muted, dark psychedelic ‘70s candle, like a standing pine cone with its peeled leaves, on top of that TV. A childhood lesson in restraint, I only daydreamed of peeling it to see the colours I’m sure were under there!

Baseboard heaters warmed the house when we weren’t burning wood. I loved to lie in front of the long living room one and put my legs up over top of it. Toasty tush time!

A velvet art painting hung above that heater. Very ‘70s chic decor. An old gristmill waterwheel scene. The paint hard in the soft velvet. The wood frame with its ornate carved notches. I wonder where it ended up. On the other wall hung an old clock with a holographic horse-head sticker. I might have been guilty of that addition, but I’m certain I blamed Earl.

The kind of clock you’d wind up with a key, and it would chime like a wall-hanging version of a grandfather clock. Sometimes I’d convince my brother or my dad to wind it. Tick tock… tick tock… Ding dong!!!

On either side of that clock on the wood-panelled wall was a horse decoration that had been pressed out of metal. I now realize how perfect the patina was on those.

The chimney from the kitchen wood stove caused a box shape in the corner from floor to the cardboard-tiled ceiling. Right in the middle was a round metal plate-type inset. It was there for the chimney sweep. Or Santa’s door, depending on who you asked. We didn’t have a fireplace, and Earl reassured me Santa could pop that out lickety-split, and later progressed to using the door because I was convinced Santa would sizzle to death in that trap!

On the adjacent wall (white wood grain with gold inlay) were two more velvet-framed art pictures, but these two depicted forest nature scenes. My parents were clearly high-end ‘70s art connoisseurs! Those two frames were perfect for Easter egg hiding atop! It never failed, though, every July we’d find a dusty marshmallow egg overlooked in the spring!

In my younger years, that room housed a ‘70s gold sectional with a cubby door that turned into the perfect hidey-hole… somewhere there is a photo of a toddler-sized me in PJs wedged in there, grinning from ear to ear!! On top was a little table, my mom’s bronze deer, and a beautiful amber glass lamp. Later we upgraded to the ‘90s couch with the crazy colour squiggles through it. It wasn’t an upgrade.

The far back and side walls had huge windows at chest height with curtains to the floor. They were always closed. I don’t think we were vampires, but someone definitely had a hate on for natural light. Though one Christmas, my Dad and my brother put Christmas lights in the holly tree outside that window as a surprise for us. That Christmas, in the evening, we opened them a bit! Those lights never came down because I suspect sticking your arms into the holly bush was on no one’s to do list. We lit them every Christmas, chipped and worn until the last one burned out.

There was another clock made of a section of tree stump that hung on the wall. Gold plastic numbers, the type I stumbled on every now and then in the thrift craft section when someone has cleaned out their grandmother craft closet. I don’t remember it ever having a battery in it. Sometimes I would change it to whatever time it was, and for a brief moment it was accurate.

In through that other door was my parents’ room and what felt like the closest thing to fancy we had. Oddly, a huge mirror framed ‘70s art piece of Jesus overlooking heaven hung on the wall… we weren’t religious. It was unsettling and felt oddly judgmental.

That room held the only actual closet in the house. Those top shelves felt like a secret Narnia I couldn’t quite reach. The carpet was teal shag. I remember pretending it was the ocean and a big queen four-poster wood bed was my ship. The room was also wood-panelled with a bed-matching dresser with a huge mirror, matching nightstand, matching highboy dresser… behind that dresser lived our two boxes of Christmas decorations. One box was all the tree decorations, and the other was everything else.

The silver and red garland that hung from corner to corner on the ceiling of the living room… my mom would tack it up in the not-quite-middle because the light was in the way… adorned with red thread-wrapped Christmas balls and two candy canes per section (after the big grocery shop)… the beautiful coffee table had a long square doily, and that flocked candle holder sat in the centre… a candy dish on one side (I remember foil-wrapped Santas, foil-wrapped balls, ribbon candy, red and green jujubes, Smarties, etc.) and a dish of mixed nuts on the other.

In the under-section of the coffee table, on one side stood a big Santa candle and on the other a snowman.

Then there was the tree… always real, and I thought huge… it wasn’t.

We only got the tree for two weeks tops because the combination of a real tree with baseboard heating, a wood-burning stove, and a menopausal mother with a December 27 birthday meant that tree was a ticking time bomb!

Speaking of ticking time bombs, we had this Christmas angel for years that would shed tiny pieces of fiberglass from her wings, and at least once a season my dad or my brother would have to fish one out of my foot while I screamed. She eventually got cremated in the wood stove. I can’t say I was sad to see her go, and of all the things I’ve searched to replace, she never made the list!

We didn’t have a fireplace, so the stockings got tacked up under the pressed-metal wall decorations.

My Christmas colouring did a lot of heavy lifting for the kitchen decor. Stuck to the fridge like my own personal art show.

We didn’t have the seasonal things I do now. No one switched out the bedding or dishes for Christmas versions. No one swapped the towels for holiday motifs in the bathroom. The sheets didn’t whisper “boo” or “Merry Christmas” depending on the calendar date!

Christmas decor was simply the decorations on the coffee table, the ceiling decor, and the tree. But pulling out those two boxes of decor felt like Christmas in a way I haven’t felt in years.

I took those little bits of Christmas I grew up with and exploded them into the way I do things. At my house now, every surface gets Christmas decor… it’s not a candy dish, it’s a candy charcuterie board. The tree stays two months! The flocked candle holder, the wax Santa and snowman, and bits of that tinsel garland still oversee it all. It’s Rockefeller Square to that tiny cottage Christmas… and if I’m being honest… that farmhouse felt more like Christmas with its handful of decor than I’ve ever successfully decked these halls… Of course, I know that’s just my quiet feeling, and Jacob someday will think about the way we did things here and try to recreate the feeling.

…so have yourself a merry little Christmas now…

After the holiday season, a tiny end table with a single drawer replaced the Christmas tree and my tiny green armchair sat there beside the other doorway to what was in reality the front entry room. But in our life, it was my “toy room.” Housed my toys as a kid, then a desk and my whole life of treasures. I spent hours in that drafty 7×5 “room” playing school. That ’70s goldenrod carpet. I loved that room. It was mine.

I’d make seasonal decorations, had my little chalkboard hanging on the door. Chilly in the winter from the gap under the door (which we secured with a board with a V-cut to wedge under the bronze cold metal handle because any skeleton key could unlock it!).

We’d have to stuff a towel under the door to keep the cold out and prevent my papers from moulding. Realizing now how frustrating that must have been for my mom, but to me it was just normal…

When I entered high school, my mom put in new carpet and wallpaper with maps of the world on it. I don’t remember much of those teenage years other than homework in that room, but my soul remembers the window on either wall. I can still remember how I didn’t like to go in there at night if the blinds were up.

What was I hiding from? Because this morning at 5 am I stood topless in front of my living room window, sipping coffee and drinking in the quiet of the still-dark new day, like I do so often.

I hardly ever close those blinds.

An Invisible Thief

I swear it wasn’t that long ago I looked out my kitchen window to see a bunch of little kids running around the back yard. Nerf guns and giggles…All perfectly tiny in a big world.

Just now I looked out my kitchen window to a handful of preteen boys that are eye level with me these days sitting around the patio table snacking on whatever they got at 7-11 on their walk. Sitting there with cell phones and devious little smirks discussing God only knows.

These almost teens sit there and my heart aches for the little faces, little giggles and big dreams that sat there what felt like just yesterday.

It’s not that I don’t love this stage because I absolutely do but honestly the quickness this happened is making it hard to breath right this second.

Come Away With Me….

I’m so ready to embrace Fall and all it has to offer. Cozy moments, cinnamon and pumpkin wafting through the air. Cooler temperatures, holidays I love, colorful leaves, crunchy walks and that golden glow.

If I’m being completely honest, something feels different this year. Letting go of the summer season is making me a little bit heartsick. Not because I’m sad summer is ending but because I know we are on the verge of saying goodbye to Jacob’s childhood. I know by next summer he’ll be even more independent and taking on even more moments without me by his side.

I know this progression is inevitable and is needed for him to grow into a strong and independent young man but honestly it still stings. It makes the pit of my stomach feel tight. It makes my body do that quick tingle of terror. It makes me want to cry for just a minute before pulling myself together and carrying on.

For the life of me I can’t believe any of this has gone by so fast.

Some days I just hold on to him for a moment and breathe him in. I tell him I love him, tell him how lucky I am to be his Mom. I tell him it’s the greatest job I’ve ever had. I just need him beside me sometimes.

Nobody said motherhood would be easy but nobody said it would be this hard.

I didn’t expect the end of a summer to gut punch me because the reality of how quickly it’s all going would settle in my throat and make it hard to breathe.

He’s growing up way too fast.

So tonight I’ll quietly look at the moments of this summer. Moments forever frozen in time. Photos that make me smile but also make me feel the sting of time gone.

The more I try to soak in that summer sun the faster it all slips through the cracks in the winter ice.

Sometimes…

in the dullest moment of a ridiculously full week is when I miss her the most.

Standing at my kitchen sink doing dishes between outings with friends, patient visits, and text message conversations, it hits me like a gut punch that despite being surrounded in this world by people who love me, doing it all without her here is lonely.

If you asked me what it is like to have lived 1708 days without my Mom I’d probably just stare at you blankly looking for the right words.

But here’s the thing: there are no right words, there is no real answer. I’m still learning, I’m still feeling it, feeling her absence in my core. I feel it in soft ways and hard ways. I feel it when I have a cooking question and when I’m just excited over something. I felt it when my photo got published around the globe and all I wanted was to tell her about it. I feel it in my happy moments and in my sadness.

I feel it when I watch other people with their moms, I feel it at 4 am when something wakes me from a deep sleep and I lay here hearing the quiet.

I feel when I long to introduce her to the new people in my life. I wish for my phone to ring one more time and to hear her voice.

Every day I simply wish for one more day with you. One more sunset…. But I know it would never be enough.

Trophy hunting….

It’s always a random but dreary day when the universe reminds me that I enjoy it. It’s charming but always ends up with that moment of all my fucking lives flashing before my eyes.

I was recently asked by someone I’d just met to list my favorite things, my little joys. Of course I had the go to answer about motherhood and family stuff. He said no … like really list the things that make you smile even when you are alone… he asked me to paint him a picture of all the things that make my life better… pumpkins, fresh flowers, autumn colours, double baked hazelnut croissants, being near the water, the golden hour, raccoons, strawberries and pears, good feta, long showers, dewberry body wash, fancy grocery stores, Starbucks, vintage stickers, thrift stores, the way lace feels against my skin, messy top lip kisses, the way the Bellagio spa smells, Christmas lights under snow, lower back touches, McDonald’s diet Coke, the way Bandit’s ears feel, clean bed sheets, the feeling of putting on new socks, chickadees chirping, dewy spider webs, neck kisses, tea with full fat cream and real sugar, hot coffee, cold coffee, friendly squirrels, stolen hoodies, red foxes, the smell of a new book, the unspoken words across a coffee shop table, good pens, bookmarks, amber glass, fancy planners, sourdough bread, forceful hallway kisses, full body hugs, stolen touches, the taste of whiskey in a kiss, opening the windows on a spring day, the way cold water feels on my feet, parking lot hugs, when the Christmas tree is the only source of light, being held in the shower, the way my nervous system settles when I take that left turn in Little Fort, good morning text messages, fresh strawberries in summer, slowly wandering through antique stores, farmers market purchases in a pretty basket, when the fall merchandise starts arriving in stores, when there isn’t a soul in sight, the thrill in escaping.

Being reminded I love all my fucking lives!

Teach them to enjoy the pink sky magic and the regular Tuesdays!

…I know they got plenty of young blood left in ‘em and plenty nights under pink skies you taught ‘em to enjoy…

Pink skies, carnival lights, smiles, smells, laughter, sticky fingers, mini donut fueled chaos, certainty they could beat the rigged game system, lemonade pucker, tired feet, the crowds, the sounds, the memories, the future memories, one more ride, one more game…one more memory.

Knowing you’re experiencing one of those “good ol’ days” as it’s happening is priceless.

Days like this become part of who they are later in life and that’s the whole point.

Someday when they remember this day I know from experience they will ache to experience it all again.

Childhood and parenthood are such a wild parallel experience. My only job yesterday was making their day feel magical. Turn a regular day into something beautiful. My heart is full knowing I succeeded.

it was all yellow…

…Something beautiful…. You know I love you so….

The most perfect, almost moody skies, a melancholy hint rolling in with the waves. The insistence of the breeze. The silent yet deafening reminder that joy is in the ride even when the sun hides.

Sitting here watching Jacob’s childhood happen in real time is beautiful, specifically because it is fleeting, imperfect, and deeply felt everyday. I’m consciously choosing to keep seeing the beauty in all of it while simultaneously carrying grief, hope, memories, and love.

The grief of my parents being gone, the anticipatory grief of knowing how soon Jacob will become too grown up for spontaneous beach days. The grief of my own failures and aging.

The love I have for my family, my friends, my life.

The memories of my life lived thus far.

Reminding myself every day to soak in the ordinary joy, the ordinary miracles. Stand in the waves, eat the fries, exist freely in the moment. Take up space.

The only way to get through any of this is with quiet resilience,
nostalgia, maternal love,
and knowing in my heart that healing doesn’t always look happy…sometimes it just looks like showing up for a beautiful afternoon even if the wind blows or the sky is a little moody.

…Delicious Disappointment…

I’ve made peace with the tiny letdowns and decided they still get a seat at the table.

Today I left the house without my phone, my coffee went cold, the mixed color bouquets were gone by the time I got to the stand for subscription pick up. I squished the fancy pastries from the quiet little bakery. The tiny bookstore didn’t have the book I wanted. It rained.

Delicious disappointments my friends!

There’s something kind of grounding about it:
Coffee went cold … still good, just different.

Squished the pastry before I got a photo…. still tasted like sweet perfection.

Plans shift … still a fun day, just not the one I planed and pictured.

Bandit chewed the wrong paw … other one still healing, just… with attitude and a zillion dollars in wound wrap supplies!

This is not denial, it’s not forcing positivity…it’s more like
yeah, that’s not ideal… but I’m still here with it. Sometimes these moments end up being the ones that feel the most real.
Quiet moments like sitting under a blanket, rain outside, Bandit half-asleep on me, scrolling with cold coffee beside me…
Nothing dramatic, nothing perfect just full, real life. The truth is (if we’re being honest) life is a little messy, a little funny, a little soft, a little hard and somehow still really good ☕

I’m just embracing it… the delicious disappointment aesthetic 🌷☕
Tulips I wouldn’t have picked as my first choice that should be in a nice vase… living their best beautiful life in a Starbucks cup.
Rainy windshield, grey sky… but soft light.
Truck interior, a little messy, a little real.
Something pretty just casually existing in the middle of ordinary life. Nothing curated. Nothing trying too hard.

Thats where I’ve settled.

The reality is the tulips aren’t even fully open yet…
they’re just… on their way.
That’s kind of a whole refreshing vibe, isn’t it?
Not perfect.
Not finished.
Not “Pinterest ready.”
But still alive, soft, a little unexpected. quietly lovely

That’s where I’m at. I’m tired of striving for perfection. I’m tired of not embracing and living in the moment. I’ve settled and it’s gloriously freeing.

A small, gentle thing…
sitting in a place that doesn’t match…
and somehow making the whole moment better anyway.

I didn’t fix it or think
“ugh I need a proper vase”
I made a decision that
“this works”… it’s beautiful and it’s enough for now.
And that my friends is the whole philosophy.