“You only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low.”

It’s been a while since I posted anything except recipes! I figured today is as good as any to change that. It’s been a long few months. Being off work has not been anything I expected it to be. I have found myself with zero motivation to eat healthy, workout, etc. I have taken giant strides backwards from where I was because running and working out has caused me too much pain. My mental struggles of being unable to get my body to work with me has been a frustrating experience.

On Monday Kevin and I met with Chris, a personal trainer at a new local gym. We spent four hours with him and it was an amazing experience. Having the chance to voice my experiences and frustrations was almost a cleansing experience. I walked away from the session having realized a number of things.

I realized I have spent the last months letting my illness get the best of me both physically and mentally. I have spent all my time focusing on where I’ve been and not where I’m going. I let the past cloud my vision of where I am today and what I need to do to take care of myself.

I realized I have forgotten to pay attention to what my body can do VS what the Lupus says it can’t. I need to be more realistic about my training goals. I need to embrace the good days and accept the bad days with a little more understanding and grace.

Chris reminded me that those bad days are going to be that much worse if I give up all together. Things will be harder if I continue to let my healthy eating slide.

Somedays I won’t be able to do a full workout or run. Somedays I’m going to hurt. Somedays I’m going to make poor food choices but that doesn’t mean I need to give up completely. One slip doesn’t mean I need to fall off the mountain and sit idly by and let it crumble on top of me.

On Monday I decided to spend the next 30 days embracing the life I have. I decided to go back to square one. The past is done with and where I was 6 months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago no longer has any bearing in where I am today! I’ve decided to embrace what I learned and what I was capable of in the past but to leave it alone and start fresh.

My main goal is to listen to my body. Going back to basics will hopefully reenforce the good healthy habits I know I am capable of embracing. Starting fresh gives me a chance to relearn what works for me right now.

Last night I took the trainers advice and took Muffin for a brisk 30 minute walk to warm up my muscles before jumping on the treadmill and attempting my first “back to basics run” of hopefully many. I walked as I needed and felt strong the whole time! Afterwards again at chris’ advice I spent a good amount of time stretching and foam rolling to avoid aches and hip pain. This morning when I woke up I stretched my legs and was thrilled to feel no post run pain! This was a huge victory for me and reminded me that even though my body isn’t perfect and lupus kicks my ass it can still do some amazing things! I am cautiously optimistic regarding my running. I know I can’t push it and I know that if the Lupus pain flares up I need to reevaluate things. But for today I’m calling it a win!

Today was a gorgeous day and we took Muffin to the park for a 3 km walk. It was nice to be out in the sunshine and fresh air. We came home and made a healthy dinner and then I headed off to the gym for an hour workout.

I keep picturing the little tortoise,from the children’s book The Tortoise and The Hare, not because I feel like I’m racing anyone or myself but because he reminds me that dedication and determination are the stepping stones to my own success.

I’ve spent too much time letting my self perceived failures dictate my current endeavors. I was reminded that nothing is a failure, it’s simply an experience. I realize that despite feeling good the last few days my body will undoubtedly challenge me again in the near future and that is why I realize it’s best for me to take baby steps one day at a time. As cliche as it sounds I really believe baby steps are the answer to my getting back on track. Maybe in a few months I will be strong enough to set more substantial goals, or maybe I won’t. Either way I’m fully committed to starting fresh and embracing myself and all the things my body and mind are capable of doing. It’s a much better option than the self sabotage I’ve grown accustom to the last 6 months!