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How Are You Still Holding On???

We’re lost again but this time there were no surprises. Just closed eyes and more disappointment.

They say don’t blink because you might miss it all. I’m really starting to understand just how fast life really does go. Everyday those memories get a little blurrier around the edges. Those things that are here today could be gone tomorrow. We have to keep smiling even when our eyes are full of tears.

At some point I realized I simply can’t go home anymore because that place doesn’t exist any longer. At least not in a physical sense. I’ve realized that all this time I’ve been desperately trying to find the pieces to put myself back together but the world keeps chipping off hunks of me through life and loss. I don’t think I can ever be put back together in the sense I was looking for because nothing ever stays the same. In realizing that I also realized because of that everything stays the same on a different parallel line. For a brief moment I felt like maybe I’d stumbled upon the secret of life. Everything changes but nothing really changes. Everything stays the same in a way. We just keep going. We just keep holding on.

So That Was Christmas

So that was 2022.

An entire year without her.

An entire year of downward trajectory.

An entire year of heartbreak.

A year of trying to hold on.

A year of not letting it break me completely.

Almost a whole year of the saddest most heart wrenching alone feeling I’ve ever felt.

A year of trying to find the light, of finding the littlest moments to help get me by.

A year of realizing the things you thought you wouldn’t miss are the things you miss the most.

A year of holding on to the fact that it can’t be this way forever. All these sorrows and troubles will someday find a way of settling into dust. The realization that sometimes you have wait out the blizzard and try your best not to freeze.

Hello December..

Hello December, I’m filled with both excitement and a bit of sadness as we start this festive month. This morning I was excited to shower treats upon my baby and my fur baby! Jacob loved the things Elfonzo brought and Jasmine was very intrigued by these boxes of treats first thing in the morning that we were all very excited to show her!! Treats before breakfast and gingerbread are currently her favourite parts of Christmas!! Jacob was excited when he noticed a Purdys Santa beside his lunch. The Purdys Santa is 100% something Mom did for me as a child on December First! December lost most of it’s magic last year when Grandma got sick and left us and I want to honor her memory and my memories of how hard she always tried to make Christmas special by doing my best to bring back the fun and magic of this special month. 🎄🎄🎄⛄️⛄️⛄️🤶🏻🎅

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…..

When you’re a kid no one tells you how it will feel when the things you knew for years disappear. I guess it’s probably for the best we don’t worry about those things before it happens.

It’s a sort of empty, confusing feeling. I’ve seen this room, I’ve walked these floors, they’ve never felt so cozy and cold at the same time.

Here We Are….

Trying to find a way of getting on with our lives. Finding forgiveness. Feeling the sadness. Learning it’s not worth being angry all the time.

Here we are wondering how things can change so bloody fast! Realizing we have to go forward because we can’t go back. Finding a way to carry on.

We carry on when our lives fall apart. We fight the darkness. We find joy in small things. We have to.

Grief is big but our ability to carry on is bigger.

Mother’s Day

With Mother’s Day fast approaching and all the love and fun that comes with it there is also sadness. Sadness for those who have lost their Mom, for those who never knew their Mom, for those who long to be a Mom, for those who long to feel the way they did before they were a Mom. Sadness for those who experienced pain at the hands of the one they call(ed) Mom. For those Dad’s who also have to act as Mom. For those Mom’s that suffered loss and long to hold their babies one more time.

Motherhood changes a person. It made me both stronger and softer. It made me both ferocious and timid. It made me feel love in a way I didn’t know existed and it made me feel anger in ways I wish I didn’t know existed. Motherhood has made me feel both full of love and full of terror. It’s made me marvel at my ability and long for a taste of the freedom I once knew. Losing my own Momma recently has made face my own mortality. It’s made me see things I missed my entire life. It’s made me wish for 5 more minutes to tell her things I should of said years ago. It’s made me understand the demons she was fighting and see the fears she faced. I spent my whole life near her and only truly saw some things for what they were once she was gone.

Being a Mom is hard. Being a Mom is exhausting. Being a Mom means giving up part of who you are so you can help your kids be who they are. Being a Mom is an amazing journey. Losing your Mom is a journey of a different sort.

To all the Mom’s out there…. I see you. I walk beside you! I’m here to help hold you up. I’m here to tell you those feelings and frustrations are ok. To all those who lost their Mom…. I am you, I hold a membership card to that club we didn’t ask to join and I cry with you.

To all the Aunts, Grandmas, friends, sisters, Dads that help stand in for us Mommas when we are sick, tired, drained, broken, or when we just need a minute…. Thank you.

Muffin McGavin

Two moments…forever etched on my heart. The moment we met and the moment you took your last breath. 💔

12.5 short years we had together. I’d give everything for another year. I’m so thankful to have had your love tiny sweet girl.

I’m so thankful that she got to live a life in which she was with us as much as possible. I’m so glad she got to come to work with me all those days back when. I’m so relieved to know she stayed by Kevin’s side for the 7 long years he was dealing with the worst of his injury. I’m thankful she didn’t spend her days waiting for us to come home from work. I’m so glad she knew we loved her.

But most of all I marvel at the bond she had with Jacob. Muffin knew I was pregnant before I knew I was pregnant. In the days prior to me finding out she kept laying her head against my belly. I asked the doctor once and he said dogs have much better hearing than humans do and she could hear Jacob’s heartbeat. When I learned I was pregnant I was terrified how she would react to a baby…evidently I had nothing to worry about! When I got sick during pregnancy she would gag and throw up too. That’s solidarity. When Jacob arrived on the scene it took her a hot minute to claim him as hers and snuggle right in for the long haul. When he’d cry she’d become distraught. I think her favourite thing was when he learned to walk! She was amazed! I was amazed she never destroyed a single one of his toys despite them living on the floor and her being the queen of making it snow with stuffie innards!

I’m going to miss the kisses, the snuggles, hearing your collar tags jingle as you ran down the hallway! I’m going to miss the way you’d stand on my chest and stare at me when I tried to sleep in! I’m going to have to fight the urge to “accidentally” drop your favourite human foods on the ground. I’m going to cry a lot. I’m going to hurt. I’m going to have to find a way to calm myself because you were my sanity.

This world feels a little darker today. This house feels colder and empty. It’s missing it’s heart. I’m missing part of my heart. My tiny best friend has left my earthly side and it hurts in a way I could not have even imagined prior to 8 pm last night. My heart is shattered but I had the honor of knowing true, unconditional love.

Muffin thank you for the love, the knowledge and for the way you let me know I could get through the hard things. Thank you for dedicating your life to loving us. I pray you knew just how much we loved you.

We will always love you

I will never forget you shaggy girl 💔💔

Mental Health Day ….

Look… parenting is hard and I’m the first one to stand up and admit all too frequently I get it wrong. This morning tho, I got it right!

I’m a huge advocate for mental health and treating ourselves with grace. So this morning when Jacob woke up and called me into his room to make a case for missing school today I didn’t skip a beat. As soon as this usually excited for school seven year old told me he was tired and a bit sad I said ok. He continued to plead his case that he’s not sick he’s just tired/sad and I sat down on his bed and said “J you don’t need to convince me you need a mental health day” .

Let’s be real here…we could all benefit from the odd mental health day here and there and because I’ve realized the importance of this in my own life I 100% support it in my child’s life! I was so thankful this morning when even J’s teacher was enthusiastic and supportive of him having a mental health day!

I grew up with parents from a generation that all too frequently ignored mental health. A generation that championed pushing themselves to physical and mental exhaustion. Don’t get me wrong I have the utmost respect for work ethic but I also have mad respect for anyone willing to set boundaries to respect/protect their health, both physical and mental! The past two years have been hard but I’ve learned so much and I know what’s important to me. Nurturing my child’s mental health is just as important as vaccinating him, feeding him well, and keeping his body healthy!

Feeling safe, loved, and heard is so important. Today I got it right and J definitely felt all those things.

We called it a mental health day…Now he’s in great spirits. We just got home! We walked, talked, had breakfast, played at the skate park, watched the ducks, practiced our dance moves on the stage at the amphitheater, laughed, and his favourite part was when I gave him a $5 bill to hide at the skate park for someone else to find and help brighten their day! Side note…it’s actually international Random act of kindness day!

During our morning adventure we talked about the importance of filling our cup and the importance of doing little things to help others fill theirs when we can! We talked about how it’s important to feel our feelings, how it’s ok to be sad sometimes. We talked about making sure we rest, play, work hard, and honor our feelings!

Now we’re cuddling on the couch and he just paused his screen time to tell me this was the best morning he’s ever had! And with that he made my cup overflow. I got it right this morning friends 💙💙💙