I swear it wasn’t that long ago I looked out my kitchen window to see a bunch of little kids running around the back yard. Nerf guns and giggles…All perfectly tiny in a big world.
Just now I looked out my kitchen window to a handful of preteen boys that are eye level with me these days sitting around the patio table snacking on whatever they got at 7-11 on their walk. Sitting there with cell phones and devious little smirks discussing God only knows.
These almost teens sit there and my heart aches for the little faces, little giggles and big dreams that sat there what felt like just yesterday.
It’s not that I don’t love this stage because I absolutely do but honestly the quickness this happened is making it hard to breath right this second.
I’m so ready to embrace Fall and all it has to offer. Cozy moments, cinnamon and pumpkin wafting through the air. Cooler temperatures, holidays I love, colorful leaves, crunchy walks and that golden glow.
If I’m being completely honest, something feels different this year. Letting go of the summer season is making me a little bit heartsick. Not because I’m sad summer is ending but because I know we are on the verge of saying goodbye to Jacob’s childhood. I know by next summer he’ll be even more independent and taking on even more moments without me by his side.
I know this progression is inevitable and is needed for him to grow into a strong and independent young man but honestly it still stings. It makes the pit of my stomach feel tight. It makes my body do that quick tingle of terror. It makes me want to cry for just a minute before pulling myself together and carrying on.
For the life of me I can’t believe any of this has gone by so fast.
Some days I just hold on to him for a moment and breathe him in. I tell him I love him, tell him how lucky I am to be his Mom. I tell him it’s the greatest job I’ve ever had. I just need him beside me sometimes.
Nobody said motherhood would be easy but nobody said it would be this hard.
I didn’t expect the end of a summer to gut punch me because the reality of how quickly it’s all going would settle in my throat and make it hard to breathe.
He’s growing up way too fast.
So tonight I’ll quietly look at the moments of this summer. Moments forever frozen in time. Photos that make me smile but also make me feel the sting of time gone.
The more I try to soak in that summer sun the faster it all slips through the cracks in the winter ice.
in the dullest moment of a ridiculously full week is when I miss her the most.
Standing at my kitchen sink doing dishes between outings with friends, patient visits, and text message conversations, it hits me like a gut punch that despite being surrounded in this world by people who love me, doing it all without her here is lonely.
If you asked me what it is like to have lived 1708 days without my Mom I’d probably just stare at you blankly looking for the right words.
But here’s the thing: there are no right words, there is no real answer. I’m still learning, I’m still feeling it, feeling her absence in my core. I feel it in soft ways and hard ways. I feel it when I have a cooking question and when I’m just excited over something. I felt it when my photo got published around the globe and all I wanted was to tell her about it. I feel it in my happy moments and in my sadness.
I feel it when I watch other people with their moms, I feel it at 4 am when something wakes me from a deep sleep and I lay here hearing the quiet.
I feel when I long to introduce her to the new people in my life. I wish for my phone to ring one more time and to hear her voice.
Every day I simply wish for one more day with you. One more sunset…. But I know it would never be enough.
It’s always a random but dreary day when the universe reminds me that I enjoy it. It’s charming but always ends up with that moment of all my fucking lives flashing before my eyes.
I was recently asked by someone I’d just met to list my favorite things, my little joys. Of course I had the go to answer about motherhood and family stuff. He said no … like really list the things that make you smile even when you are alone… he asked me to paint him a picture of all the things that make my life better… pumpkins, fresh flowers, autumn colours, double baked hazelnut croissants, being near the water, the golden hour, raccoons, strawberries and pears, good feta, long showers, dewberry body wash, fancy grocery stores, Starbucks, vintage stickers, thrift stores, the way lace feels against my skin, messy top lip kisses, the way the Bellagio spa smells, Christmas lights under snow, lower back touches, McDonald’s diet Coke, the way Bandit’s ears feel, clean bed sheets, the feeling of putting on new socks, chickadees chirping, dewy spider webs, neck kisses, tea with full fat cream and real sugar, hot coffee, cold coffee, friendly squirrels, stolen hoodies, red foxes, the smell of a new book, the unspoken words across a coffee shop table, good pens, bookmarks, amber glass, fancy planners, sourdough bread, forceful hallway kisses, full body hugs, stolen touches, the taste of whiskey in a kiss, opening the windows on a spring day, the way cold water feels on my feet, parking lot hugs, when the Christmas tree is the only source of light, being held in the shower, the way my nervous system settles when I take that left turn in Little Fort, good morning text messages, fresh strawberries in summer, slowly wandering through antique stores, farmers market purchases in a pretty basket, when the fall merchandise starts arriving in stores, when there isn’t a soul in sight, the thrill in escaping.
…I know they got plenty of young blood left in ‘em and plenty nights under pink skies you taught ‘em to enjoy…
Pink skies, carnival lights, smiles, smells, laughter, sticky fingers, mini donut fueled chaos, certainty they could beat the rigged game system, lemonade pucker, tired feet, the crowds, the sounds, the memories, the future memories, one more ride, one more game…one more memory.
Knowing you’re experiencing one of those “good ol’ days” as it’s happening is priceless.
Days like this become part of who they are later in life and that’s the whole point.
Someday when they remember this day I know from experience they will ache to experience it all again.
Childhood and parenthood are such a wild parallel experience. My only job yesterday was making their day feel magical. Turn a regular day into something beautiful. My heart is full knowing I succeeded.
The most perfect, almost moody skies, a melancholy hint rolling in with the waves. The insistence of the breeze. The silent yet deafening reminder that joy is in the ride even when the sun hides.
Sitting here watching Jacob’s childhood happen in real time is beautiful, specifically because it is fleeting, imperfect, and deeply felt everyday. I’m consciously choosing to keep seeing the beauty in all of it while simultaneously carrying grief, hope, memories, and love.
The grief of my parents being gone, the anticipatory grief of knowing how soon Jacob will become too grown up for spontaneous beach days. The grief of my own failures and aging.
The love I have for my family, my friends, my life.
The memories of my life lived thus far.
Reminding myself every day to soak in the ordinary joy, the ordinary miracles. Stand in the waves, eat the fries, exist freely in the moment. Take up space.
The only way to get through any of this is with quiet resilience, nostalgia, maternal love, and knowing in my heart that healing doesn’t always look happy…sometimes it just looks like showing up for a beautiful afternoon even if the wind blows or the sky is a little moody.
because calorie don’t count when your heart has to wait 7-10 days for a lab report!
Bandit slept well throughout the night. I had to adjust her bandage as it was too tight with the swelling. Once we got that fixed up and her paw circulation returned to good we both dozed off.
My Dad always warned me about tying my wellbeing to an animal (2 or 4 legged). I guess now in my mid 40’s I understand what he meant. But honestly I’m not sorry. I know I’m definitely more feelings driven than many people. I know the heartbreak that comes with loving someone/something so deeply but I also know the joy. I know that no matter how this journey progresses I will never have regrets over bringing this beautiful (anxious, health problematic, bossy,EXPENSIVE) hound into our family. Bandit showed up when I needed her the most and she got me through those excruciatingly long, lonely days when my Dad’s dementia raged the worst. Her soft ears and warm hound squish offered moments of decompression for my exhausted, overwhelmed brain and my broken heart. Shes a living, breathing hound scented weighted blanket!
Sometimes I think Mom and Muffin hand picked her for me. The perfect mix of love and wild anxiety. They sent me a 4 legged version of me! Which is both beautiful and gut wrenchingly horrific!!!
This dog is 1/3 of my whole world. She means everything to me and I want the absolute best for her. I know in my heart that may not end up looking like what I’d planned for but whatever the next page of this journey looks like we will get through it together. Hand in paw! 🐾 💕
4018…. The number of days you’ve lived your life thus far….
In big loud ways and in quiet meaningful ways. Every day lends itself to you becoming the young man before us. Every experience you have is a lesson. Every lesson shapes who you are. Every moment this world is a better place because you’re in it. Remember to be true to you. Continue to be kind. Hold your head high with honour. Know you cannot please everyone all the time and that’s ok. Just continue to be you because you’re more than enough.
I’m spending today reliving moments of you in my mind. The moment they put you on my chest. The moment you laughed your first laugh. Your first terrifying steps. Your first day of school. Your first curse word. The first time my heart sank as you stepped foot on that 50 yard line. The fist time I watched your tiny heart break. The first time I let you venture out into this world without me by your side. My phone number sharpied on your arm! The first time you outsmarted me. The first time you protected me. The first time you walked away from someone who hurt you. The first time you showed the world what you’re made of. Every one of those moments rendered me speechless and so very proud of you.
Every day I watch as you grow up a little more. A far cry from that hospital room at 7:14 pm. That tiny little miracle with my name on his wrist. You were new to town and everyone was eager to meet you. Not much has changed because those who know you want to be near you. You make people feel seen and loved. You are wise beyond your years. You don’t run from the scary things, you handle them with grace. You hold your hand out to help others find their way through the dark. You still get that sly little smile when you’re up to no good. You know the meaning of home in a deep sense that many much older than you don’t grasp.
You are everything this world needs, you’re everything that is right in my world.
You’re kind, brave, and loyal.
Go on… take on this whole world! But remember you’ll always be my Baby boo bear. I can’t turn back time but you’ll always be my baby boy.
Jacob…. It’s the end of a decade but the start of an age (Don’t roll your eyes…I had to)
I love you more than words could ever express. You’re my greatest accomplishment. You’re my greatest love.
Today marks 3 years since you’ve been gone and honestly that day still feels like yesterday. Don’t get me wrong I’ve “moved on” like you always demanded but the 19 day period of January between your birthday and the day you left sits heavily on my chest each year. It’s hard to breathe, it’s hard to find the willingness to go about my day. Honestly it’s the darkest two weeks of my year. Maybe in time I’ll find a way to lighten it but for now I still let myself feel it. I sit with it quietly and drink a lot of coffee like you would have.
I think of you every day and frequently tell the boys how you would react to their hilariousness… that’s my nice way of saying stupidity! We talk about you a lot. They miss you. We all miss you. You’d be so proud of all of them. I sometimes picture you tossing the football with Jacob and enjoying hockey with Ej. I sometimes close my eyes and see you on the couch with Ella and Emma cuddled on either side. This is how I see you in my heart… love and happiness surround you.
I keep these moments by and by because it’s the only way I keep my missing you from crushing my chest the other days of the year.
Sometimes I catch you out of the corner of my eye. In the hallway, in the kitchen, in the yard. I know you hang around the house. Please don’t ever stop visiting. The driveway alarm lets me know.
