The Christmas Conundrum

Dec19

The stockings are hung by the chimney with care! The house is full of festive! The most amazing gifts await my little and the loves of my life. We’ve baked cookies, we’ve followed Elfonzo’s antics all month! We’ve given back to our community. We’ve visited twinkling light displays, chatted with Santa, done Christmas crafts, munched on themed Christmas food! I’ve watched Hallmark movies while sipping excessively festive hot chocolate. We’ve played Christmas music throughout the days. We have the most beautiful tree standing in our living room! We cut it down ourselves and decorated it with the most stunning vintage shiny brights! We’ve had indoor snowball fights, advent calendars, nothing has been missed.

I joked earlier in the month that Christmas is my Super Bowl and I’ve trained all year but today in the early morning quiet 6 days before Christmas it just doesn’t feel right. I wait all year for this month. I prep and plan, love every sugary sprinkle of detail and magic. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited! The decorations make me smile. Jacob’s wonder and enchantment with Santa made me melt but I’m struggling internally.

As my best friend would say “That’s a you problem!”. She’s right, it is me! Everything is as perfect as I could of hoped (except the lack of snow but hello we live in Vancouver!) but yet it doesn’t even feel like Christmas to me.

This lack of Christmas feeling is really causing me to get into my own head. I feel guilty for not providing Jacob a magical holiday season. But then I look around and think wow he’s not going without. The logical part of my brain is telling me he truly isn’t. The PTSD ravaged part of my brain and my being is having a harder time accepting that.

I don’t know why I feel like this this year. Is it the trauma of how my job ended? The trauma of the abuse I endured at the hands of a person who had no business treating a nurse like a piece of garbage? Is it the cumulative effect of 5 years on pins and needles trying to make life work after the accident? Why am I so tired when I’m not currently working? Why can’t I shake these feelings? Why do I feel like nothing is good enough? That I’m not enough?

When I’m ok and logical I know the answer is because of the PTSD but a lot of the time the same PTSD takes away my ability to think clearly and logically. I’ve done my research both personally and professionally. I know that scientifically PTSD changes our brains. It changes the way we react to stress, triggers and it permanently changes the way our prefrontal cortex regulates emotion.

I guess I could laugh and tell you I’m not really a fan of how my newly scarred prefrontal cortex is doing things. I could continue to put on a smile and keep doing the things I use to love. The things I still love. The things that make my son smile. Continue holding on to the moment when he excitedly wraps his arms around my neck and tells me I’m “the best momma ever!”. But honestly I’m just here to admit it’s hard.

The last five years have been hard. The last 17 weeks have been a personal struggle, a journey of confusion.

So here’s to the words sung by the beautiful & immortal Judy Garland…..

“Someday soon we all will be together if the fates allow. Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow. So have yourself a Merry little Christmas now.”

Have Yourselves A Merry Little Christmas

Everything Is Something….

Nov5

Except sometimes your something isn’t (and doesn’t need to be) everyone else’s everything.

I’m so incredibly thankful to be Canadian. To live in a country that allows me the freedoms to live my life however I deem fit!! For that all my respect and love goes out to honour and remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifices to provide us those freedoms.

Remembrance day is, was, and always will be deeply meaningful to me.

The fact we put up some of our Christmas decorations this weekend does not in any way diminish the respect I have for all of those who have and continue to serve this great country so that me and my family can continue to live in peace and make our own choices about how and when we choose to do things.

This weekend I had a number of strong opinions and snarky remarks thrown at me because I chose to share Jacob and I’s excitement over our Christmas decorations and baking Christmas cookies. I was told I’m “disrespectful” and that I don’t honour the soldiers that fought for our country. I was told that decorating prior to November 12th is “unnecessary” and “ridiculous”.

At first I was really annoyed but the more I thought about it the more I really started to think about the connotations of the words and insults being hurled all over social media at those who choose to get festive early.

My stance on this is simple, I don’t tell others adults how to run their lives, how to raise their kids, when to go to bed, what to eat for dinner, etc. So I can’t wrap my head around why all of the sudden people are wanting to take away freedom of choice from people. The very thing so many have and continue to fight and die for. Freedom.

Let that sink in.

We all live in this amazing country. We all have rights to celebrate, practice religion, wear what we want, eat what we want, marry who ever we want. But yet many still feel the need to force their opinions and beliefs on others. To feel the need to talk down to others who don’t do life like they do.

It hit me. This isn’t about the Remembrance Day/Christmas decoration issue. This goes far deeper. This is about people who can’t help but want others to live like they do. People who want to engrain their beliefs on to others without actually realizing that they are using methods of shame, ridicule, and embarrassment to do so.

That’s a scary path when you really think about it.

At the end of the day I’ve realized I know who I am, I know what makes me happy, I know where my respect and my honour lies. I know what Remembrance Day means to me and I know a few Christmas decorations aren’t strong enough to take any of that away from me.

Tuesday Turnaround 

Oct9

Happy Belated Thanksgiving Canadian friends!  

I hope everyone got to take a few minutes this past weekend to give thanks for the things in their life! I was lucky enough to get two turkey dinners. One with Kevin’s Family and one with my sister in laws family.  Both were delicious and I definitely feel like I should probably eat a big salad for dinner tonight! 

I’m extremely Thankful for many things but the last couple days I feel foggy. I need to get my head clear. I’m not sure how to do that or what I need but I definitely feel I need some quiet “me time”.  Jacob is currently going through a phase that is testing my whole being. 

This photo was taken after he had his first real MAJOR public meltdown! He lost it at the pumpkin patch on Saturday and in hindsight I should of seen it coming because he had a full and exciting few days prior to Saturday. Yesterday morning he was incredibly upset when it was time for me to go to work. When I arrive home he instantly turned into a head strong little tyrant and it didn’t stop until he fell asleep on the couch at bedtime! Parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s exhausting and demanding. I love him ferociously but sometimes I have to remind myself that he’s just a child and no matter how strong my emotions are dealing with all this his are just as strong and he doesn’t yet have the tools to deal with these big emotions. 

So my goal for today is to turn it all around. I definitely need to get my head together and just breathe. Let’s hope Jacob can get on bored. 

Easy Like Sunday Morning…

Sep9

Easy my ass! I’ve been laying here awake since 5:30 am (it’s now 7:18am) and I’m yet to get up because I don’t want to wake up Jacob! We can’t have another early morning for him because early mornings lead to ridiculously cranky afternoon and meltdown evenings! So for now I lay here and be thankful for my phone and the internet! The past few days have been tough because Jacob and I have both had a cold. It never fails that I get afflicted with sickness in early September. I took Friday off work and spent the day in my pj’s. It was a much needed day of rest. Saturday was much the same but we did venture to get groceries and got some fresh air out on our patio briefly. I feel like this time of year is my planning time. Planning the rest of the year! Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, etc. I love Fall. The colours, the crisp leaves, the leggings, hoodies, boots! The pumpkins, the food! Speaking of food! Jacob and I baked this lovely banana bread yesterday morning. The recipe can be found HERE. He absolutely loves baking! He asks every weekend if we can bake! He loves to share his (our) creations. Yesterday he took half the banana bread to Grandma and Grandpa and shared the rest with his cousins. He pretty much melts my heart daily. Well my friends I’m going to be brave and attempt to sneak out of bed (only because I really have to pee). Stick around this week as I’m planning on sharing/reviewing some new Epicure products as well hopefully sharing a post on the CSA box we’ve been getting all summer!

Broken 

Jun9

I think my heart is broken. 

I think I’ve hit a point where everything is just too much. 

It’s not one specific thing, it’s the cumulative effect of all the little things (and a few big things). 

I don’t remember how to let go anymore, I don’t remember how to shake the weight from my shoulders. I don’t remember what it feels like to not be responsible for everything all the time. 

So far 2018 has been a roll with the punches and try to stay standing sort of endeavour. Work, home, life… Major changes almost weekly it seems.

My work hours have changed 3 times in 4 months. I went from working 28 hours a week to working a 40 hour 4 day line. Then I went to 48 hour 4 day line. Now I’m doing a 40 hour 5 day line. I held the hand of dying man who I adored. Ive held back tears. I’ve felt the sting of coworkers hating on me because I was the staff left standing with a job when the dust settled.  I’ve done my best to adjust and be thankful that I have a job to provide for my family. 

I’ve noticed these fine lines around my eyes and mouth. I’ve notice the ever increasing number of grey hairs sneaking through my once glorious hair. I’ve noticed I no longer make eye contact with people when I have to go out in public. Is this an age thing? 36? Is it the age where I’ve decided to get old? Or am I really just tired of people? 

I recently took part in a conversation where a young mom said that people who “drop their friends” because of marriage, kids, work etc are flaky.  I’m not flaky, I’m exhausted. I don’t think anyone sets out to drop their friends when adult life takes over but life priorities really do cause you (well me) to see my friends less.  I’d love to see my friends weekly but with only two days off a week and 1400 things to get done how do I do this? If you know how please tell me. 

I’ve noticed that my needs and well-being come last. I don’t prioritize myself because by the time everything and everyone else is taken care of the day is done. 

I’ve noticed I’ve had to justify more things to people who I actually thought were concerned and cared. 

I don’t think this is what a normal adult life is supposed to be like? I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m just putting into words how I feel. But then again I’m not sure why I’m even trying to justify my words and feelings by adding that.

Sometimes I get this glimmer of something that reminds me I’m a bad ass! Something that reminds me that I should be proud of myself for holding it together, doing everything I can to provide for my son and disabled husband. Sometimes I watch as Jacob loves life and I forget I’m dying inside. 

Maybe it’s not my heart that’s broken maybe it’s my soul. 

Good For You Protein Balls

Jan16

Today’s kitchen adventure: Protein balls! These little beauties are just sweet enough to ward off a cookie craving while being packed full of good for you ingredients and protein!  Perfect as a mid afternoon snack, after the gym, or desert! 


Ingredients 

1 cup rolled oats

1/2 cup natural peanut butter

1/4 cup Epicure protein powder

1/4 cup ground flax

1/4 cup honey

2 scoops Epicure Cocoa açai

1/4 cup mini dark chocolate chips

1/4 cup unsweetened coconut 


Method 

Simply mix all ingredients into a large bowl and mix well. Once combined scoop and roll into small balls. Roll in coconut and place in sealed container to store in fridge. 

Using the above recipe I got 18 balls. Which breaks down to 4.4 grams of protein each! 


You can customize these however you like! Try adding things like dried cranberries, nuts, cinnamon, etc. 

I hope you enjoy these.

Happy, healthy snacking! 

Driving an imaginary getaway car.

Jan10

 I keep sporadically posting little posts that claim I’m coming back to blogging and then it doesn’t happen! So this time I’m not going to make any claims I’m just going to write! 

So the last week has been a rough one! Jacob came down with a serious case of croup and then an ear infection! Needless to say this momma only made it back to work a couple days after her Christmas vacation before she ended up staying home from work to play nurse! Thankfully Jacob seems to be on the mend and getting back to his old self! Which is good because we’ve got a third (how the hell did that happen) Birthday party to plan!!!! 

On the topic of time…. 2018! Wow! Wasn’t it just 2003?  This year marks my 36th birthday, the 11th year of homeownership, 15 years of working in nursing, and our 8th year of marriage. My Dad turns 73 on Friday. It’s been 3 years since Kevin was left severely injured/disabled from a car accident.  Time is a real bitch. 

My world is not what I ever expected, anticipated or dreamed it would be. I don’t mean that in a negative way. I love many aspects of my life. For example I love being a mother but I hate trying to figure out how to deal with a headstrong toddler. I never dreamed in a million years I would be the sole provider for my little family. I never imagined I’d be aflicted with PTSD so badly that somedays I contemplate taking off. I never thought I’d be facing my second ultrasound and mammogram in 6 months because “there’s something there”. All these things have taught me that while I’m damaged I’m strong as hell. Life can knock me down but I’m yet to let it knock me out! 

Today’s advice: 

Buy the damn flowers even if you can’t afford them. Soak in their beauty and when it’s time to throw them out do so unapologetically while knowing you soaked in the best they had to offer and no matter what somethings can always be replaced and the new ones will make you smile.

 Somethings are meant to be enjoyed briefly not forever, Life is one of them. 

I Promise I’m Still Cooking! 

Dec6

No one told me becoming Mom would mean I have pretty much zero time to do anything but Mom and Work!!! 

I’m trying my best to find time saving tricks so I can get back to things I love and miss! Things like blogging, running, and having 10 seconds alone! 

So speaking of time saving…Recently Influenster sent me a few Club house organic spices to try! I was skeptical because as an Epicure rep I’m spoiled with and amazing pantry full of spices and meal helpers!  But I have to tell you I was surprised how easy the Chicken Kung Pao came together! It had an amazing aroma and looked beautiful! Only downside for us was it was very spicy!! I simply can’t handle that much spice because of my esophagus damage from pregnancy (thanks Jacob 😉 )



I’m definitely going to try the garlic chicken variety next!! I’ll keep you posted! 

Pumpkin Coconut Coffee Cake 

Jul23

This isn’t my normal recipe post! Normally I have photos of each step. This time though is just the basics!! 

Fall can’t come soon enough!! Tonight I had to bake something pumpkin spice to get me through the craving! 

Ingredients 

1 1/3 cups flour

3/4 cup white sugar

3 teaspoons baking powder 

Pinch of salt

1 1/2 teaspoons Epicure’s pumpkin pie spice

1/4 cup butter 

1 egg

3/4 cup pumpkin purée 

1/4 milk

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla 

Topping

1/4 cup brown sugar

1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice

3 tablespoons coconut 

Directions
Whisk together dry ingredients.

Cut in butter until crumbly 

Make a well in the centre 

Mix together wet ingredients 
Gently fold wet into dry, mixing just enough to bring every together.

Place in greased 8×8 pan

Mix together brown sugar, coconut and pumpkin spice. Sprinkle over batter

Bake for 50 minutes in 350 degree oven 

It Could Have Been Me…

Jun16

It could have been you. Anyone of us Mothers could be feeling the absolute heartbreak Melissa Graves is feeling right now.  The numbness, the regret, the blame, the devistation. 

None of us are immune to tragedy. None of us can see the future.  None of us know if the last hug or frustrated sigh over uneaten dinner will be the last. None of us know when our number is up. 

None of us are perfect parents. Not a single one of us can claim we have never taken our eyes off our child for a split second. Not a single parent alive can pretend that in a brief second, one horrible life changing second couldn’t destroy our lives and take our baby away forever. Because deep down we know it could it. Things happen. Horrible, unthinkable things…accidents happen. 

Accidents happen. Think about that for a second. Then remember why we don’t spend every second of our lives worrying about these unthinkable tragedies. We don’t because we can’t. We spend our lives trying our best to make happy, fun memories with our littles. Because we want them to live and enjoy life, even if those lives are short. We want to see their smiles and hear their giggles.

That is exactly what the Graves family was doing on a magical family trip before it all got taken away in one of those horrible life changing seconds. Please remember that before you cast doubt, point a finger of blame or claim this would never happen to your child!  Please be kind to parents who are facing horrible things, be kind to the family at the restaurant with the toddler melting down, be understanding to the Mom who can’t get her children to leave the playground without them screaming wildly. Just be kind.

Parenting is hard, it’s exhausting, it’s frustrating. Parenting is a full time job, it doesn’t stop because you’re on vacation and if it does stop you’d give your own life to bring it back.