With Mother’s Day fast approaching and all the love and fun that comes with it there is also sadness. Sadness for those who have lost their Mom, for those who never knew their Mom, for those who long to be a Mom, for those who long to feel the way they did before they were a Mom. Sadness for those who experienced pain at the hands of the one they call(ed) Mom. For those Dad’s who also have to act as Mom. For those Mom’s that suffered loss and long to hold their babies one more time.
Motherhood changes a person. It made me both stronger and softer. It made me both ferocious and timid. It made me feel love in a way I didn’t know existed and it made me feel anger in ways I wish I didn’t know existed. Motherhood has made me feel both full of love and full of terror. It’s made me marvel at my ability and long for a taste of the freedom I once knew. Losing my own Momma recently has made face my own mortality. It’s made me see things I missed my entire life. It’s made me wish for 5 more minutes to tell her things I should of said years ago. It’s made me understand the demons she was fighting and see the fears she faced. I spent my whole life near her and only truly saw some things for what they were once she was gone.
Being a Mom is hard. Being a Mom is exhausting. Being a Mom means giving up part of who you are so you can help your kids be who they are. Being a Mom is an amazing journey. Losing your Mom is a journey of a different sort.
To all the Mom’s out there…. I see you. I walk beside you! I’m here to help hold you up. I’m here to tell you those feelings and frustrations are ok. To all those who lost their Mom…. I am you, I hold a membership card to that club we didn’t ask to join and I cry with you.
To all the Aunts, Grandmas, friends, sisters, Dads that help stand in for us Mommas when we are sick, tired, drained, broken, or when we just need a minute…. Thank you.
You would of been 77 today. You would of told us you wanted nothing for your birthday but then been thrilled with the gifts and cake. You would of snuck a second helping over the kitchen sink leaving nothing but crumbs and a frosting covered knife to give you away. I wish you were here. But as you spend your first heavenly birthday please know we are honouring your special day down here too. Nancy got the most beautiful delicious cake and together we ate and said your name. We will always remember your birthday and continue to say your name because you still walk beside us even if we can’t see you. Happy heavenly Birthday Mom 🌹
Not everyone is going to like this…. but here it is…. Your mental health and well-being are more important than your job, than your career. More important than your deadlines, your to do list. Bigger than that event you said you’d attend. More important than your size. Bigger than money. More important than other people’s moods. If taking care of your mental health means letting someone else down than let them down. You’re mental health is more important than other people’s opinions of you. Its more important than status. You cannot be successful unless you take care of your own needs. Expressing your emotions and feelings is not a sign of weakness. Doing your best doesn’t mean pleasing all the people all the time. Do the things you need to do for your own well-being. You’re more of an asset to your family when you treat yourself with the love and respect you need and deserve. Fill your own cup and love yourself ❤️
Pay attention to your surroundings because secrets are most often hidden in plain sight.
Sometimes I create these wild scenarios in my head. Scenarios to explain why something is happening or not happening. More often then not when something is bothering me with someone or a situation I’ve had the argument or conversation in my head multiple times before we get around to laying the cards on the table. By the time you realize I’m angry I’ve already surpassed the point of simple recovery. I use to think I might be legitimately crazy but with age comes wisdom. Now at 38 years old I realize that I am one of those people who feel things viscerally. I can’t let things go until I’ve gone over every version of the situation a number of times. Break it into a million pieces and put it back together just so.
Do your shattered, jagged edges cut through everything? Through everyday or do they glisten in the sunshine as you try to figure out how to navigate a world where we’re all a little broken and jagged?
My imperfections are not inadequacies, they are my truths. They are what makes me who I am. You can try to make sense of these things but all you will ever do is base me on you. The version of me you have created doesn’t actually exist. That person is simply an outcome of the pieces of me you want to take. The events you want to remember. The conversations both spoken and not that you have glued together with your feelings and your thoughts. This is the only way we really know anyone.
Sweet friend, Norman bates said it best “It’s not like my mother is a maniac or a raving thing. She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes.”
What a wild ride 2020 has been so far! This week has been a tough one for me personally. After an awesome adventure with my little family I found it tough to settle back into the day to day and harder yet to face the reality of dealing with our new normal. I’m really doing my best through all of this to find a bit of calm but when weeks like this hit it’s tough.
So this week I’m beyond grateful for a few friends who take the time to check in. For friends who ask questions to be sure I’m truly ok. Friends who pick up the phone and call me or send a text! Friends who don’t have an agenda! Friends who care enough to ask why we came home early from our trip. Friends who take the time to listen when I need to vent about how hard the current situation I’m facing with aging parents truly is. Friends who are true and real!
So thank you to those friends! Thank you for the unguarded love. Thank you for the mutual respect. Thank you for being you.
I have to say my day was leaps and bounds better then I expected it was going to be! I’ve sort of been blah about my birthday for the past few weeks because of the covid quarantine situation. But my friends and family really surprised me today!! For that I’m thankful!
My morning started out with lots of love and treats from my boys! Then a knock on the door to discover my best friend had brought over gifts and my favourite cake! Thanks to her I got to enjoy lunch time cake and a social visit in the driveway with my parents!
Later in the day another friend delivered the most beautiful floral bouquet to me!
In the afternoon Kevin took me for a drive to get out of the house and found a road side flower stand and I got to pick out more flowers!
These little gesture where so uplifting! I felt very loved all day! It was a great birthday and I’m very thankful for everyone who helped bring me joy!