Tag Archive | Mom life

The Things That You’ll Miss….

October 31, 2026… how did that happen???

Last night the kids carved pumpkins. Krista helped set them up on a plastic sheet in their kitchen, and the three of them went to town cutting, gutting, carving. Creating pumpkin masterpieces! I stayed curled on the couch under my warm blanket! I wandered up once to take a picture and tell them how crazy it is that they are all now grown enough to carve their own pumpkins unassisted.

This morning I felt it, though. I felt like I missed out on something, not because I particularly enjoy carving pumpkins, because I don’t! They’re cold and they’re gooey. But because, for a brief moment, my memory took me back to carving pumpkins in that little farmhouse I grew up in.

The house was small, two bedrooms… we used the back door…

When you’d walk in, you were in our entryway, which had a laundry pair on one side with an exposed hot water tank, and a big chest freezer on the other side. Two windows with yellow sheer curtains… When it snowed, if you laid across the laundry pair staring up out of that window, it felt like you were flying through the snow!! My Mom would turn on the dryer so my flight would be warm! If you visited us at Halloween, a pumpkin sat atop the freezer… When you came for Christmas, there was always a small poinsettia where the pumpkin had been.

Hang your coat on the tall golden coat rack… don’t be alarmed when it falls over… it was plastic, ridiculous, and the ’80s were the start of decor looks over function!

That door over there is the bathroom with its full-size antique clawfoot tub. Hand-built white cabinets and an oval mirror. Wicker laundry basket, wicker towel holder, wicker shelf, and a sink that worked 50/50 of the time! But that tub was glorious, and the proximity to the laundry pair meant Mom would often deliver warm-from-the-dryer towels as my bath ended. The smell of Ivory soap on my skin as I wrapped myself in a warm towel was perfection.

Walk through the room and you’re in the kitchen, but first look up to see where my dad hung his keys in the square archway.

He hung them from our old Jolly Jumper hook!

In the corner, a wood-burning stove with a gas oven and burners (which now sounds terrifying), with the big black chimney pipe going into the wall.

Olive green fridge.

Old dining table with the high-back chairs covered in cracked printed vinyl. Lots of browns and yellows… like the forest floor in early November before the snow.

A crystal sugar and cream set on the table on a doily… always full of sugar, but the cream jug held random tiny things my momma found in pockets, on the wicker bathroom shelf, on the floor! Usually a screw, a penny, a paper clip! Nothing of real value, but always be sure to check every now and then because she was known to get mad and dump it all in the garbage!

The only phone in the house, attached to the wall.

Those walls covered in wallpaper that my mom would change out every few years. Always turned out beautiful! She had a knack for wallpapering no one could match, but her mood in the process… watch out!

Two windows with cheery yellow curtains. One of those windows was used as a cat door. Always muddy paw prints on the outside wall as our cats would jump up to come inside. That’s the same window that got smashed one summer afternoon and replaced before my parents ever returned home. That’s one secret Earl and I never did tell them! 

Wood cupboards, upper and lower, along the one wall with a grey Formica countertop and double stainless sink. A coffee pot that seemed to always be full. A microwave (which I’m certain was the first produced 🤣).

The floors were old printed linoleum… also browns and golds. Definitely worse for wear in some spots, but that didn’t stop Mom from getting on her hands and knees to wax them! They always looked their best.

A wood breadbox on the counter, a mail sorter hung on the wall. Don’t rummage through it unless you like the wrath of Carol… it may have looked unorganized, but that was her filing system… Well, that and the papers beside the microwave and behind the breadbox!!

Always a bottle of Sunlight dish soap on the sink board.

Seasonal dish towels hung from the drawer pulls, and her hand-crocheted dishcloths rested over the sink divider. I can’t tell you how many times my brother and I stood in that spot after dinner arguing over who was washing and who was drying. I’d give my left pinky toe to do those dishes today.

Off the left side was a bedroom. Mine at one point, but Earl’s first, and for a brief time as kids we shared it. Small… wood paneling (except that one wall with superhero wallpaper… ever go to sleep with Superwoman and her lasso of truth staring at you?!!), a big window (but not so big Katie couldn’t jump out it….twice), and carpet in a hardwood print. The Donald Duck nightlight was a nice touch. Cozy.

The other doorway led to the living room. It felt giant at the time. But now I know how small it was. Again, brown carpet, I’m sure shag and lush at some point, but worn and soft in my day! I can almost remember the way it smelled.

A wood box TV sitting on the floor in the corner. On top, an old western wagon decor piece and the one remaining Clydesdale horse ornament. I used to stare at that treasure. Once, in a fever-induced delirium, I remember asking my Mom why the cowboys were floating. I still don’t know!

Always on a doily under the wagon… under everything, really. My grandmother made them. I still have some. I still use them, even when they weren’t shabby chic cool. Also a carved, almost muted, dark psychedelic ‘70s candle, like a standing pine cone with its peeled leaves, on top of that TV. A childhood lesson in restraint, I only daydreamed of peeling it to see the colours I’m sure were under there!

Baseboard heaters warmed the house when we weren’t burning wood. I loved to lie in front of the long living room one and put my legs up over top of it. Toasty tush time!

A velvet art painting hung above that heater. Very ‘70s chic decor. An old gristmill waterwheel scene. The paint hard in the soft velvet. The wood frame with its ornate carved notches. I wonder where it ended up. On the other wall hung an old clock with a holographic horse-head sticker. I might have been guilty of that addition, but I’m certain I blamed Earl.

The kind of clock you’d wind up with a key, and it would chime like a wall-hanging version of a grandfather clock. Sometimes I’d convince my brother or my dad to wind it. Tick tock… tick tock… Ding dong!!!

On either side of that clock on the wood-panelled wall was a horse decoration that had been pressed out of metal. I now realize how perfect the patina was on those.

The chimney from the kitchen wood stove caused a box shape in the corner from floor to the cardboard-tiled ceiling. Right in the middle was a round metal plate-type inset. It was there for the chimney sweep. Or Santa’s door, depending on who you asked. We didn’t have a fireplace, and Earl reassured me Santa could pop that out lickety-split, and later progressed to using the door because I was convinced Santa would sizzle to death in that trap!

On the adjacent wall (white wood grain with gold inlay) were two more velvet-framed art pictures, but these two depicted forest nature scenes. My parents were clearly high-end ‘70s art connoisseurs! Those two frames were perfect for Easter egg hiding atop! It never failed, though, every July we’d find a dusty marshmallow egg overlooked in the spring!

In my younger years, that room housed a ‘70s gold sectional with a cubby door that turned into the perfect hidey-hole… somewhere there is a photo of a toddler-sized me in PJs wedged in there, grinning from ear to ear!! On top was a little table, my mom’s bronze deer, and a beautiful amber glass lamp. Later we upgraded to the ‘90s couch with the crazy colour squiggles through it. It wasn’t an upgrade.

The far back and side walls had huge windows at chest height with curtains to the floor. They were always closed. I don’t think we were vampires, but someone definitely had a hate on for natural light. Though one Christmas, my Dad and my brother put Christmas lights in the holly tree outside that window as a surprise for us. That Christmas, in the evening, we opened them a bit! Those lights never came down because I suspect sticking your arms into the holly bush was on no one’s to do list. We lit them every Christmas, chipped and worn until the last one burned out.

There was another clock made of a section of tree stump that hung on the wall. Gold plastic numbers, the type I stumbled on every now and then in the thrift craft section when someone has cleaned out their grandmother craft closet. I don’t remember it ever having a battery in it. Sometimes I would change it to whatever time it was, and for a brief moment it was accurate.

In through that other door was my parents’ room and what felt like the closest thing to fancy we had. Oddly, a huge mirror framed ‘70s art piece of Jesus overlooking heaven hung on the wall… we weren’t religious. It was unsettling and felt oddly judgmental.

That room held the only actual closet in the house. Those top shelves felt like a secret Narnia I couldn’t quite reach. The carpet was teal shag. I remember pretending it was the ocean and a big queen four-poster wood bed was my ship. The room was also wood-panelled with a bed-matching dresser with a huge mirror, matching nightstand, matching highboy dresser… behind that dresser lived our two boxes of Christmas decorations. One box was all the tree decorations, and the other was everything else.

The silver and red garland that hung from corner to corner on the ceiling of the living room… my mom would tack it up in the not-quite-middle because the light was in the way… adorned with red thread-wrapped Christmas balls and two candy canes per section (after the big grocery shop)… the beautiful coffee table had a long square doily, and that flocked candle holder sat in the centre… a candy dish on one side (I remember foil-wrapped Santas, foil-wrapped balls, ribbon candy, red and green jujubes, Smarties, etc.) and a dish of mixed nuts on the other.

In the under-section of the coffee table, on one side stood a big Santa candle and on the other a snowman.

Then there was the tree… always real, and I thought huge… it wasn’t.

We only got the tree for two weeks tops because the combination of a real tree with baseboard heating, a wood-burning stove, and a menopausal mother with a December 27 birthday meant that tree was a ticking time bomb!

Speaking of ticking time bombs, we had this Christmas angel for years that would shed tiny pieces of fiberglass from her wings, and at least once a season my dad or my brother would have to fish one out of my foot while I screamed. She eventually got cremated in the wood stove. I can’t say I was sad to see her go, and of all the things I’ve searched to replace, she never made the list!

We didn’t have a fireplace, so the stockings got tacked up under the pressed-metal wall decorations.

My Christmas colouring did a lot of heavy lifting for the kitchen decor. Stuck to the fridge like my own personal art show.

We didn’t have the seasonal things I do now. No one switched out the bedding or dishes for Christmas versions. No one swapped the towels for holiday motifs in the bathroom. The sheets didn’t whisper “boo” or “Merry Christmas” depending on the calendar date!

Christmas decor was simply the decorations on the coffee table, the ceiling decor, and the tree. But pulling out those two boxes of decor felt like Christmas in a way I haven’t felt in years.

I took those little bits of Christmas I grew up with and exploded them into the way I do things. At my house now, every surface gets Christmas decor… it’s not a candy dish, it’s a candy charcuterie board. The tree stays two months! The flocked candle holder, the wax Santa and snowman, and bits of that tinsel garland still oversee it all. It’s Rockefeller Square to that tiny cottage Christmas… and if I’m being honest… that farmhouse felt more like Christmas with its handful of decor than I’ve ever successfully decked these halls… Of course, I know that’s just my quiet feeling, and Jacob someday will think about the way we did things here and try to recreate the feeling.

…so have yourself a merry little Christmas now…

After the holiday season, a tiny end table with a single drawer replaced the Christmas tree and my tiny green armchair sat there beside the other doorway to what was in reality the front entry room. But in our life, it was my “toy room.” Housed my toys as a kid, then a desk and my whole life of treasures. I spent hours in that drafty 7×5 “room” playing school. That ’70s goldenrod carpet. I loved that room. It was mine.

I’d make seasonal decorations, had my little chalkboard hanging on the door. Chilly in the winter from the gap under the door (which we secured with a board with a V-cut to wedge under the bronze cold metal handle because any skeleton key could unlock it!).

We’d have to stuff a towel under the door to keep the cold out and prevent my papers from moulding. Realizing now how frustrating that must have been for my mom, but to me it was just normal…

When I entered high school, my mom put in new carpet and wallpaper with maps of the world on it. I don’t remember much of those teenage years other than homework in that room, but my soul remembers the window on either wall. I can still remember how I didn’t like to go in there at night if the blinds were up.

What was I hiding from? Because this morning at 5 am I stood topless in front of my living room window, sipping coffee and drinking in the quiet of the still-dark new day, like I do so often.

I hardly ever close those blinds.

An Invisible Thief

I swear it wasn’t that long ago I looked out my kitchen window to see a bunch of little kids running around the back yard. Nerf guns and giggles…All perfectly tiny in a big world.

Just now I looked out my kitchen window to a handful of preteen boys that are eye level with me these days sitting around the patio table snacking on whatever they got at 7-11 on their walk. Sitting there with cell phones and devious little smirks discussing God only knows.

These almost teens sit there and my heart aches for the little faces, little giggles and big dreams that sat there what felt like just yesterday.

It’s not that I don’t love this stage because I absolutely do but honestly the quickness this happened is making it hard to breath right this second.

Come Away With Me….

I’m so ready to embrace Fall and all it has to offer. Cozy moments, cinnamon and pumpkin wafting through the air. Cooler temperatures, holidays I love, colorful leaves, crunchy walks and that golden glow.

If I’m being completely honest, something feels different this year. Letting go of the summer season is making me a little bit heartsick. Not because I’m sad summer is ending but because I know we are on the verge of saying goodbye to Jacob’s childhood. I know by next summer he’ll be even more independent and taking on even more moments without me by his side.

I know this progression is inevitable and is needed for him to grow into a strong and independent young man but honestly it still stings. It makes the pit of my stomach feel tight. It makes my body do that quick tingle of terror. It makes me want to cry for just a minute before pulling myself together and carrying on.

For the life of me I can’t believe any of this has gone by so fast.

Some days I just hold on to him for a moment and breathe him in. I tell him I love him, tell him how lucky I am to be his Mom. I tell him it’s the greatest job I’ve ever had. I just need him beside me sometimes.

Nobody said motherhood would be easy but nobody said it would be this hard.

I didn’t expect the end of a summer to gut punch me because the reality of how quickly it’s all going would settle in my throat and make it hard to breathe.

He’s growing up way too fast.

So tonight I’ll quietly look at the moments of this summer. Moments forever frozen in time. Photos that make me smile but also make me feel the sting of time gone.

The more I try to soak in that summer sun the faster it all slips through the cracks in the winter ice.

Teach them to enjoy the pink sky magic and the regular Tuesdays!

…I know they got plenty of young blood left in ‘em and plenty nights under pink skies you taught ‘em to enjoy…

Pink skies, carnival lights, smiles, smells, laughter, sticky fingers, mini donut fueled chaos, certainty they could beat the rigged game system, lemonade pucker, tired feet, the crowds, the sounds, the memories, the future memories, one more ride, one more game…one more memory.

Knowing you’re experiencing one of those “good ol’ days” as it’s happening is priceless.

Days like this become part of who they are later in life and that’s the whole point.

Someday when they remember this day I know from experience they will ache to experience it all again.

Childhood and parenthood are such a wild parallel experience. My only job yesterday was making their day feel magical. Turn a regular day into something beautiful. My heart is full knowing I succeeded.

it was all yellow…

…Something beautiful…. You know I love you so….

The most perfect, almost moody skies, a melancholy hint rolling in with the waves. The insistence of the breeze. The silent yet deafening reminder that joy is in the ride even when the sun hides.

Sitting here watching Jacob’s childhood happen in real time is beautiful, specifically because it is fleeting, imperfect, and deeply felt everyday. I’m consciously choosing to keep seeing the beauty in all of it while simultaneously carrying grief, hope, memories, and love.

The grief of my parents being gone, the anticipatory grief of knowing how soon Jacob will become too grown up for spontaneous beach days. The grief of my own failures and aging.

The love I have for my family, my friends, my life.

The memories of my life lived thus far.

Reminding myself every day to soak in the ordinary joy, the ordinary miracles. Stand in the waves, eat the fries, exist freely in the moment. Take up space.

The only way to get through any of this is with quiet resilience,
nostalgia, maternal love,
and knowing in my heart that healing doesn’t always look happy…sometimes it just looks like showing up for a beautiful afternoon even if the wind blows or the sky is a little moody.

I like when it’s quiet and you don’t know I can hear you singing…

4018…. The number of days you’ve lived your life thus far….

In big loud ways and in quiet meaningful ways. Every day lends itself to you becoming the young man before us. Every experience you have is a lesson. Every lesson shapes who you are. Every moment this world is a better place because you’re in it. Remember to be true to you. Continue to be kind. Hold your head high with honour. Know you cannot please everyone all the time and that’s ok. Just continue to be you because you’re more than enough.

I’m spending today reliving moments of you in my mind. The moment they put you on my chest. The moment you laughed your first laugh. Your first terrifying steps. Your first day of school. Your first curse word. The first time my heart sank as you stepped foot on that 50 yard line. The fist time I watched your tiny heart break. The first time I let you venture out into this world without me by your side. My phone number sharpied on your arm! The first time you outsmarted me. The first time you protected me. The first time you walked away from someone who hurt you. The first time you showed the world what you’re made of. Every one of those moments rendered me speechless and so very proud of you.

Every day I watch as you grow up a little more. A far cry from that hospital room at 7:14 pm. That tiny little miracle with my name on his wrist. You were new to town and everyone was eager to meet you. Not much has changed because those who know you want to be near you. You make people feel seen and loved. You are wise beyond your years. You don’t run from the scary things, you handle them with grace. You hold your hand out to help others find their way through the dark. You still get that sly little smile when you’re up to no good. You know the meaning of home in a deep sense that many much older than you don’t grasp.

You are everything this world needs, you’re everything that is right in my world.

You’re kind, brave, and loyal.

Go on… take on this whole world! But remember you’ll always be my Baby boo bear.
I can’t turn back time but you’ll always be my baby boy.

Jacob…. It’s the end of a decade but the start of an age (Don’t roll your eyes…I had to)

I love you more than words could ever express. You’re my greatest accomplishment. You’re my greatest love.

I met my younger self for coffee today…

We both showed up 10 minutes early.

She showed up in the passenger seat of our best friend’s car while I showed up alone in a full size Chevy Silverado that I backed into a parking spot. She looked confused but beautiful! I let her know that that particular driving skill terrified us for years and we would once go 3 entire years without driving because of anxiety and fear. Until one day we just said fuck it and did the scary thing! That at 39 years old we’d learn how to really drive with confidence and learn how to back up!

She questioned why I was out alone and I told her that I enjoy being alone sometimes. That I still love being with our friends but I frequently go shopping, for walks, coffee and to the gym alone. She asked if Katie and I were still friends and I told her yes of course! Our kids are friends too and her daughters call our husband Uncle Sasquatch! Baby Katie passed out on the spot!

We ordered our coffee and she side eyed me when I didn’t order fat free milk. I told her that I preferred the flavor of full fat dairy and the extra calories aren’t significant. She sighed in her size 8 lululemons and said “I guess we never lose the weight huh?” I tell her actually we did… we got to goal weight and it did not change how we felt about ourself! I told her at goal weight our body failed and we became the sickest we’d ever been. I told her about the debilitating hip pain, vomiting and the chronic hives. How we almost died during pregnancy from malnutrition…. But then I told her that while running a half marathon at 6 months postpartum I decided the amount of space my body took up on this earth was no longer going to be my constant focus. That yes I’d like to live in a smaller body but starving myself was no longer an option to achieve that. Unfortunately an autoimmune disease would predominantly decided our body shape and size and eventually we’d realized that a functioning pain free body was more important than a small body. I reassured her that we’d do the work and find our self worth and learn to love ourselves for who we are and not the size of our body!

When we went to our table her eyes grew wide as I took off my jacket. “Are those tattoos!?!?” Yes 12 of them! She gasped and I laughed. “I guess with all those you don’t talk to Dad anymore?” I told her not for a few years anyways… Not since he died shortly after mom passed away. She choked back a tear “but were still so young and they are dead”… yes sweet girl they died before we even got our stride as a real grown up but don’t worry we did our absolute best by them. We provided care in their last years and held their hands as they left this world. She stared quietly out the window trying to grasp that news.

She watched as I stood up and warmly embraced a tall well dressed man that had come through the door… “is that our husband? What happened to Shane!!” No sweet girl that’s not our husband, that’s one of our best friends! That particular man will teach you a very important lesson about truly knowing people, trusting your gut and forming your own opinions based on your truths!! It’s very important you double down and embrace that relationship and learning!

As for our husband… it’s not Shane either! We still love Shane…and talk weekly! Our kids are friends too! Our husband tho is the magic … he is a big stoic, husky bearded hunk who lets us away with far too much nonsense but offers us the utmost protection and safety. He is an amazing father and our rock! He lets us hide when the world gets too loud. He’s the kind of man that lets the big hound dog sit at the dinner table only because it makes us happy! He’s not your type…. He’s my type! You’ll understand eventually!

She giggled then sipped her low calorie fat free iced coffee and asked “you keep mentioning a child! I thought we didn’t want kids!” Well they originally told us it was unlikely we’d conceive but the universe had other plans and we have one son and he’s the most amazing gift we have in this life! Tho buckle up buttercup because he’s got your sass and personality! Motherhood is an adventure we didn’t plan for or see coming but don’t worry we’re kinda awesome at it!

She sat quietly for a long time and then asked “Nothing seems to have gone according to my plans…our teaching career must of! Right!?”

Nope! We did not pursue teaching… Psychology actually then nursing. Your life’s work will be providing comfort and support while caring for others but please remember to rest, trust your gut and care for yourself in the process. An awful, scary life event will almost take you out of your line of work and it’s imperative you fight through the darkness because another family needs you years after that assult and they become like family to you.

She sat quietly trying to absorb it all. Before leaving we embraced and she whispered “I think I’ll like being you!”

I held her close and reminded her not to rush it, enjoy every stage of this life, even when it seems unconventional because she’s going to meet her other two best friends… one at work and one because you’ll date her future husband!! I told her the secret that it all goes by faster than you can even grasp. I warned her there would be seasons of profound darkness and she’d almost give up but it’s important to know the deep darkness clears and things are beautiful. Life will never be perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.

I told her she would always feel everything. The whole of the good the heaviness of the bad. That our entire life we’d love so many people in so many ways. That we’d feel love on so many levels. I told her to make sure those people know she loves them. Don’t ever hide it. The love matters. Some would stay a life time and some would stay a season.

I made her promise to find her voice, find her confidence, use her voice and experience life as it comes!

Summer in the rightest way….

Childhood….the days when it felt like an eternity between the first day of school and summer vacation! 10 months that felt like 10 years. Those days we had no idea how quickly the days would pass later in life.

Watching Jacob enjoy his summer this year took me back to my preteen years. A time before responsibilities. A time before screens. A time when my brain still let my imagination run the show. I remember how the dry grass felt on my feet. How the cold lake water took my breath away but I’d jump in over and over. I remember how exciting it was to get to the cabin. How ice cream melted so fast in the hot sun. The smell of campfire smoke in my hair as I drifted off to sleep.

I was lucky enough to relive all these feelings and more this past summer with my little family.

This summer I remembered what summer freedom felt like. This summer I remembered what summer love feels like. This summer I let myself live so many adventures. This summer I found a happiness I’d misplaced a long time ago.

I am blessed to feel safe enough in this life to let Jacob go off on big adventures with friends that I only dreamed of as a child. A week at camp, sleepovers hours away from home, the waterslides, tree swings, hiking, bike riding, trailer camp outs, beach walks, ocean side fires, kayaking, target shooting, paddle boarding, sturgeon fishing!!

Someone said to me this summer “Wow your child is living his best life!” and it reminded me how lucky I am to be living his best life with him. It reminded me how much I learn from him and from being a Mom.

It’s hard to think about the small number of summers we have left before Jacob isn’t as keen on adventures with Mom and Dad. For now I’m going to lean into these adventures, lean into the best life we get to experience together. I’m going to savour the way the late summer sun feels in the afternoon and the way I feel safe in a way I’ve never experienced or understood until now.

For now I’m going to keep letting myself let it all in. Im going to leave the walls crumbled on the ground. I’m going to enjoy the novelty that is me, that is this adventure! I’m going to enjoy the last few kisses in the summer sun. I’m just going to let it happen….

A Sign….

I wondered quietly to myself as I pulled into the parking spot at Williams park if I’d get a sign they were there with us….

As soon as we picked a spot and the boys took off into the water Eric pointed out the owl…

I stood in the very spot I’d stood with my Dad so many times as a child admiring this beautiful bird for a long time.

Just like the Christmas snow the sign could not be any clearer.

The signs are always there when you pay attention 🍀🦉❤️

Popcorn and Parenting…

Today I spent the majority of the day working with Jacob on his science project!

This project was such a solid reminder to me how different my child’s childhood is than mine was.

This little science project was originally due last Thursday and I had asked Jacob’s teacher for an extension due to the sadness and grieving we all were experiencing last week with the loss of Gill.

Looking over the past week never once was my child stressed because this project wasn’t being done, never once was he stressed because it was late never once was he concerned or had any anxiety over this project!

Never once did I yell at him or raise my voice to him, even though I have spent the last week and a bit stressing over his project and overthinking it and over analyzing it.

When I look at the finished product that we created, it reminds me of the visions I had in my head as a child for my own science projects. Ones I was never able to create to a level I was proud of. Never was I able to create what I envisioned because I was never good at making bubble letters by hand and I never had all of the bits and pieces nor would anyone take me to the dollar store to acquire those bits and pieces. There was not extra money for things to make my science project look pretty. When I was a kid, we had what we needed. There were always lots of groceries. The house was always warm. We always had clothes and shoes. Our needs were always more than met but the shiny bits and pieces were often what we went without. But you know what that was OK we did just fine without the shiny bits.

Today Jacob and I started working on this project at about 10 AM. The child had a crash course on how to use the cricut machine. He had a crash course on how to use Design Space software and how to use the MacBook. He pawed through the extensive box of scrapbooking paper to find just the right materials. He even ventured in to my sticker collection to see what he could find.

We worked together to create all of the bits and pieces. We then laid them all out in a mock up before we took a break and went to McDonald’s for lunch and before heading to the dollar store to collect materials! We came home and assembled it. Gluing and giggling as it came together! Popcorn kernels littered the floor!

He walked away from this day so very proud of his project and happily telling me how much fun he had!! He was excited that he was able to teach me something because I honestly had no idea there was water inside corn kernels!!

What a wildly different childhood my child is experiencing from my own! I vividly remember my first science project in grade 4 and it was a planet science project. I didn’t know what I was doing and no one would help me. Not because my parents were mean or didn’t care but because my dad worked full-time, and my mom simply was unable to help with a lot of academic things . I remember I had to stay home from school on a Thursday to finish it and I got yelled at so much. The yelling was because I did not finish the project in a timely manner. I did not meet the due date assigned by my teacher and growing up rules were to be strictly followed in our home. The word of school and of teachers was next to godliness.

I have the utmost respect for Jacob‘s teachers. I absolutely could not even begin to do their job. I do not possess the patients or the calmness to deal with a classroom full of inquiring minds. I respect the teachers directives. I respect due dates, but I also am a realist…

Sometimes things in life are more important than a due date.

After asking for the extension last week this new week proceeded to get away from us for a multitude of reasons. Our plan was to knock this project out Wednesday night when I got home at 5 pm. Instead life and mental health needs had other plans! Jacob called me at 4 pm while I was with A and asked if he could go swimming with Carter. I said yes while knowing that in the grand scheme of life staying home on a Thursday to do your science project really wasn’t a big deal.

This little science project taught Jacob and I more about life and love and how it feels to have somebody help you and how it feels to help somebody with something important in their life then it did about actual science.

This little science project healed a tiny part of my 10-year-old inner child who over the course of this lifetime has remembered crying over that planetary science project many times.

I hold no grudges or ill memories of my parents for being unable to help me in the educational department, and I have nothing but respect and thankfulness for the life that they provided me, even if it didn’t always have the shiny bits. In this life, and through my own grief, I have learned that things can coexist. Feelings of grief and happiness for example. I am immensely thankful that I am able to help Jacob on projects like this even when it stirs up bits of my own trauma. I’m so thankful that I learned about the importance of not stressing my child out over silly things. I love(d) my parents ferociously, but I’m so thankful that I love my child differently than I was loved.

I think one of the biggest secrets of being a parent is just how healing the journey can be if you allow it.

Amazing how a science project on matter was such a staunch reminder of what really matters.