So my little man is 15 weeks old as of yesterday. I’m not sure where the last four months have gone, but wow. Being a Mom is the most amazing experience ever. Everyday this little boy makes me smile, makes me think, and teaches me something. Some moments are hard and frustrating, I won’t lie to you! But when Jacob looks at me and smiles all the hard goes away. Being a Mom has taught me so much already and has changed the very essence of who I am.

My life is currently nothing like I expected it to be at this point. When I was pregnant and thinking about life with a newborn I had all these ideas of how our days would go! I thought we’d have a schedule, you know… A bed time, bath time, nap time, play time, meal times! That Id have a set time to go to the gym for a little me time. I figured by mid May Id be well on my way with Seawheeze training! I was vastly unprepared for this new life!! I didn’t take my health issues into concern when I day dreamed about my new picture perfect Mommy adventure!! I don’t know why it never crossed my mind that throwing up for nine months straight due to Hypermesiss would leave my body with some fallout and battle wounds. It never hit me my recovery would be the same side effects as that of bulimics. I definitely didn’t think my husband would be in a horrible car accident a month prior to our sons birth leaving him with spine damage and unable to work and more importantly unable to hold his son without pain.

My health has been a constant issue since I gave birth. I was in labor for 36 hours, 16 of those being hard, active labor. I’m told I handled it like a rock star! It was a natural no pain killer sort of showdown. I had my family, Kevin’s parents and my best friend there for the big event. Yes in the room with us, because being pregnant gave me this big emotional feeling of how important family togetherness is!! Fyi that feeling is gone now! It wasn’t until the weeks following birth that I realized something wasn’t right. I quickly realized I needed to see a doctor. I learned I had partially retained the placenta. It was weeks of back and forth with the surgeon, ultrasounds, special medication. I see my doctor again today and I’m guessing another ultrasound. I also quickly realized after giving birth that I wasn’t producing Breastmilk. After two full exhausting months of pills, pumping, supplements, lactation consultants, Brewers yeast, massage, tea, lactation cookies, and tears I gave up. I couldn’t mentally or physically put myself through 7 pumps a day to collect a total of 1 oz of Breastmilk. In the end they chalked the poor production up to the fact I was in starvation mode for 9 months due to the hypermesis. I was extremely malnourished and my body was fighting to keep me alive rendering it unable to produce milk. It was disappointing to be unable to provide my child with nourishment. I cried a lot until I became vocal in the topic. All the sudden I had other women quietly coming to me and confiding they didn’t produce either! This isn’t an uncommon thing! It’s just not talked about and that is sad! No new Mom should be left thinking it’s her fault her body won’t produce milk!

My little formula fed baby is growing, developing, learning, and stealing hearts everyday! I no longer feel any shame about him being formula fed, or my choice to accept the fact my body wasn’t going to produce no matter how hard I tried.

As for the other health issues, well it’s a day to day battle. Between the lupus pain returning post pregnancy and the fact my body is still in starvation/survival mode. The stomach issues, weight gain, anemia, extreme body pain, etc are everyday battles and I try my best to stay positive and trudge through them. All of these things are exasperated for me by the stress of Kevin’s injury.

His car accident happened on New Year’s Eve. We spent New Years in the ER and he’s been in pain ever since. I don’t really want to go into detail at this point but watching him grimace in pain trying to hold his son breaks my heart.

I took this photo yesterday when we took Jacob to the river to enjoy the sunshine. I love this picture because it captures Kevin’s happiness being a Father, but it breaks my heart because I know how much pain he’s in and it’s not fair.

Life is constantly changing, thankfully I know to embrace the little moments.

One of my goals is to get back to blogging on a regular basis. I definitely let it fall off the map during my pregnancy. Writing is therapeutic for me. Plus reviewing local places was a lot of fun, and we enjoyed the perks that came with discovering these hidden gems! I’ve had many people tell me they miss my recipe posts as well. I’m going to do my best to get back to it. Yesterday we checked out opening day of The Langley farmers market and visited Derby Reach park! Last week Emma and I got to see the baby animals at the Cloverdale rodeo up close and personal. These things remind me how much I love BC and I hope to get back to sharing my life with you! Our adventures, local reviews, food and wine!!! Until I get knocked up again 😉