Almost a whole year of the saddest most heart wrenching alone feeling I’ve ever felt.
A year of trying to find the light, of finding the littlest moments to help get me by.
A year of realizing the things you thought you wouldn’t miss are the things you miss the most.
A year of holding on to the fact that it can’t be this way forever. All these sorrows and troubles will someday find a way of settling into dust. The realization that sometimes you have wait out the blizzard and try your best not to freeze.
Hello December, I’m filled with both excitement and a bit of sadness as we start this festive month. This morning I was excited to shower treats upon my baby and my fur baby! Jacob loved the things Elfonzo brought and Jasmine was very intrigued by these boxes of treats first thing in the morning that we were all very excited to show her!! Treats before breakfast and gingerbread are currently her favourite parts of Christmas!! Jacob was excited when he noticed a Purdys Santa beside his lunch. The Purdys Santa is 100% something Mom did for me as a child on December First! December lost most of it’s magic last year when Grandma got sick and left us and I want to honor her memory and my memories of how hard she always tried to make Christmas special by doing my best to bring back the fun and magic of this special month. 🎄🎄🎄⛄️⛄️⛄️🤶🏻🎅
I asked my Mom for a white Christmas just an hour or so before she left us 2 weeks ago. She delivered today. I cried and laughed simultaneously. I can’t explain the way I felt today. I can tell you I’m not ready to pack Christmas away. At dinner we left an empty chair between my Father and my husband. This too made me both smile & feel empty and sad at the same time. Navigating the holiday season through this season of grief has been hard. And so know my journey has only just begun. I’m thankful to be surrounded by an amazing group of friends who continue to check on me, who continue to do little things to raise my spirits. I’m thankful Christmas Day was white and snowy. Im thankful for the memories of Christmases past with my Mom. I’m thankful and I’m sad. In the words of the Grinch “Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart and hand in hand. ❤️❄️❄️❄️🎄🎄🎄💔
I’ve got a lot I should update about but I’m not ready. I’m sad and grief is absolutely unmapped territory.
So instead I’ll share some photos from today. Our day was quiet but productive. We got groceries, I hugged a friend, I drank coffee sitting down, I left the house, I ate yummy food, I wore my festive pants and I felt all the feels. A friend dropped off lovely flowers and fun Rae Dunn things to cheer me up. I thought a lot about my friends who are checking in and showing up. It means the world to me.
We had a Pre-Christmas family night last night. This little gift has been wrapped since mid November and Jacob has been stewing about when to open it! Last night was his decision! We skipped the pizza plan and ordered White spot take out and then ripped open the gift and built our LEGO wreath!! We capped off the evening with a new Christmas book!! It was such a fun way to spend the evening together!! This brought me joy! For that I’m thankful 🎄🎄🎄🎅🏻🎅🏻🦌⛄️❄️
Grab a drink (I’ve got iced Christmas tea mixed with diet ginger ale and it’s pure heaven) and pull up a seat! Let’s talk! Real talk! 2020 has been a really tough year on many levels for most people! I’ve continued to try my best to practice gratitude and offer my assistance to others in need in ways that work for my little family. But I’m going to be honest with you all… I’ve had my moments & struggled. I’ve had my moments of frustration , irritation, fear, sadness, anger, pretty much every emotion! Thankfully for me I’ve got an amazing husband to fall back on for support, a house full of family, and a handful of amazing friends to turn to. I’ve got a whole team of you here on social media ready to interact with me and share some giggles at the click of a post!! I’ve made new online friends through our shared Love of vintage stuff, crafting, love of community, etc. So to all of you who help break up my day and make me laugh, smile, reflect, learn, etc thank you!! To my new found friends I’m so excited to get to spend time with you when it’s safe!
To all of you getting through this thing day by day and doing your best to follow the rules and show kindness, Thank you!
Yesterdays announcement on Christmas restrictions hit me hard. I held it together over the evening but I literally burst into tears over breakfast this morning. And you know what … that’s ok. It’s ok because the announcement sucked, the realization of what it all means just flat out sucks. There is no sugar coating it! Watching other people skirt the rules or flat out ignore them is straight up maddening. Sometimes it’s hard to not get angry and blame others for this mess.
So this morning I had my cry and I pulled myself together and I’m not going to sit here and spew toxic positivity at you and tell you it was rainbows and butterflies all afternoon because it wasn’t! My mood continued to reflect the weather! Kinda dark and gloomy but progressing through the afternoon. But I will tell you I spent part of the afternoon doing little things to help other people (because acts of service and gift giving are how I express love) and honestly that was the highlight of my day. I got my parents groceries at Ralph’s Farm Market because I truly don’t want them in stores if we can avoid it and I feel very safe doing their shopping at Ralph’s. We dropped off our reverse advent calendar donations (a few days late) to Cloverdale Community Kitchen. I dropped off the tree ornaments a new friend had me make. I generally kept busy!
During my brief out and about today you know what I noticed??? People trying their best to follow distancing protocol. I noticed staff that were welcoming and smiling behind their masks (you can tell) I noticed most people are being kind and doing the best they can to get through this. I noticed kindness despite adversity and fear. I noticed thankfulness from others and then I remembered the quote from the Grinch.. “Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more”. Maybe this year we all need to find a way to make it mean a little bit more. Maybe we can all try to flow through our days with kindness and intention. Maybe we can try to find the good. Share a smile. I’m not saying to suppress the hard feelings but try to find the silver lining. Again I’m not going to throw toxic positivity at you and tell you a list of ways to stay positive. I’m just asking you to make an effort to see something good in each day. Hell im sure I’ll have another good cry before the week is over but I’m going to try my best to take care of myself, my family, and actively try to look for that silver lining!
Today I cried and felt sad but my silver lining was feeling safe shopping and seeing my parents from the driveway when we dropped off the groceries. Jacob singing jingle bells in the truck! Hearing my Mom cry briefly on the phone then pull herself together and tell me how happy she was to see us today (even if it was only a few minutes from the drive way). Listening to her tell me how much she liked the little chocolate treats she found in the grocery bag! The air hug from 10 feet away when handing off an order to a new friend! Spending a few minutes alone arranging the beautiful flowers I got at the market and finally getting these words out.