I’ve got a lot I should update about but I’m not ready. I’m sad and grief is absolutely unmapped territory.
So instead I’ll share some photos from today. Our day was quiet but productive. We got groceries, I hugged a friend, I drank coffee sitting down, I left the house, I ate yummy food, I wore my festive pants and I felt all the feels. A friend dropped off lovely flowers and fun Rae Dunn things to cheer me up. I thought a lot about my friends who are checking in and showing up. It means the world to me.
But I saw something today that really slapped me in the face and got my attention!! Now I’m sharing it with you because it’s so important and no one tells you this!!!! Don’t put your well-being at risk to avoid making a scene or hurting someone’s feelings!! This goes for all the things listed below but also for friendships, jobs, marriages, family dinners, appointments, etc!! If something is making you uncomfortable you don’t owe it to anybody to stay there and suffer!!!
I think this resonates with me so deeply for a number of reasons but especially because of how long I stayed working for an abusive employer because I felt I had too!! I was raised to believe you don’t quit and now thanks to life experience and therapy I know it’s ok to quit! It’s ok to put myself first! It’s ok to walk away!!!
It’s funny writing this today after coming home from my shift at my new job which I absolutely love. I think about what I worked through at my last job and feel so incredibly grateful to now be working for a family who values me as nurse, as a caregiver, and most importantly as a person!
When I left my last job I truly didn’t know if I’d ever return to nursing but after a long hiatus involving therapy, self discovery, self love, and healing I’m so thankful to have found a job in the field I love that reminds me why I went into health care in the first place. I’m so thankful to have found a family to help that truly is thankful for my help.
I now know it’s ok to leave when you don’t feel right about a situation. It’s ok to leave when you aren’t being respected, it’s okay to walk away. You don’t owe your well being to anyone except you!!
Some days it’s really hard to fight the urge to count calories. Even tho I’ve made a conscious decision to sway away from that, focus on moving my body daily and eating what makes me feel good! I think it’s going to take a long time to break the habit of counting calories and judging food in the “healthy/un healthy” category’s.
I had to fight through the urge over breakfast to look up all the reasons why that 1/2 avocado was “too Much” or “unhealthy”. I reminded myself that I enjoy avocado and it keeps me full for a long time!
I think unlearning old habits is often harder then forming new habits!
This morning I crawled out of my warm bed to take Muffin out to pee. I was hit with cold air upon opening the door! Cold air I haven’t felt since early last spring! I rushed Muff along and upon returning inside took a moment to crawl into bed beside Jacob. His barely awake warm self instantly embraced me and we cuddled for a solid 10 minutes before going about our regular before school routine. Now as I sit here reflecting on the morning I realize how much those ten minutes changed my day. They made me feel loved and relaxed and that put me in a great mood. I had more patience with my parents this morning and generally find myself less stressed!!
I hope our cuddle had the same effect on his day and I hope he never outgrows Momma cuddles! ❤️
The weather this weekend has been a mood. Literally overnight we went from sweltering sunny days to damp cool moody days. I feel it in my soul. A direct reflection of how many of us are feeling? Or maybe just how I’m feeling.
Let’s be real here…. Clearly this year I haven’t stuck to the Thankful Thursday posts this year. It’s one more thing that has fallen to the wayside due in major part to the massive changes in my life. Why when I type that does it sound like such a cop-out? I think because I’m still trying to learn to cope with the changes. Learning to navigate.
Obviously the project didn’t go according to plan! I haven’t done one of the Thankful Thursday posts in a couple months. Those of you who know me in real life probably already know the reason for that! It’s not because I’m not finding things to be thankful for but because my life has been absolutely full of change. Massive changes that required my full attention and presence. In early January I learned my parents sold their home. It blindsided all of us because the house wasn’t listed for sale. They never told us they planned to do this. They just did it. Now I’m not going to go into a lot of personal detail here but know my parents are both heading towards 80 and we knew right away the best case scenario was for them was to move in with us. It would make things “easier” for us to be able to provide them care as required with them in our home. Things have been tough since covid hit. We found ourselves trying to maintain helping them as needed but also trying to maintain the required distance as required by local laws a d for safety sake of all involved. It was a lot and often didn’t work as well as we needed to.
It was a few months of organizing, purging, cleaning, packing, but mostly reassuring, talking, explaining, and trying to process my own feelings while trying to support my parents as their entire world changed.
It’s been 3 months now and it’s safe to say the honeymoon is over and real life slapped me in the face like a barn door in a wind storm. I’m doing my best to try to achieve that balance of keeping my little core families needs met by prioritizing time with just the three of us. Sometimes it’s easier than others but we did get in a trip up to Hundred mile for a week on the lake! We also got to escape to the island for a week to visit with Kevin’s family. Both were much needed. I’m also trying to maintain my own small space for my needs while being hugely responsible for the needs of my parents.
I find myself waffling between wanting to use this as my space to write about the trials and tribulations of caring for my aging parents, a place to scream about the horrors and hurt caused by dementia and memory loss. A place to word vomit it all out! At the same time I find myself a bit fearful and confused. I guess I’m torn between knowing what I need for my brain to process all this and also knowing that some family members read this and being very aware that reading about some of this on a public internet blog might not sit well. Well… I guess this is my official content warning…. I might blog about things you don’t agree with. You don’t have to be here. I hope you stay and can be supportive but nothing is forcing you to continue reading.
It’s interesting to me that I find myself posting any sort of warning to someone who really only follows along for information. To a person(s) who doesn’t actually offer any support or advice or even any genuine care. So before you pass your unwelcome, unneeded, unrequested judgement on my posts, my life, or how I choose to process this part of my journey please ask yourself this, are you actually part of my life? Like really part of my life or just a “Facebook friend” ? Please know my heart is not closed to any of you but also know I won’t wait by the front gate for any of you to maybe drop by. I will however always answer my phone and my door to respectful relationships with all of you!
Isn’t it strange how we can spend thousands of hours in the same place and be completely unmoved by it? Yet our brains hold on to places where we only spent a few hours. Flashing back to those brief hours frequently and longing for that spot. Longing for that feeling. How can our brains remember the details in such a fleeting moment? How come I can close my eyes and see a place so vividly? Did I leave a piece of my soul there?
Not everyone is going to like this…. but here it is…. Your mental health and well-being are more important than your job, than your career. More important than your deadlines, your to do list. Bigger than that event you said you’d attend. More important than your size. Bigger than money. More important than other people’s moods. If taking care of your mental health means letting someone else down than let them down. You’re mental health is more important than other people’s opinions of you. Its more important than status. You cannot be successful unless you take care of your own needs. Expressing your emotions and feelings is not a sign of weakness. Doing your best doesn’t mean pleasing all the people all the time. Do the things you need to do for your own well-being. You’re more of an asset to your family when you treat yourself with the love and respect you need and deserve. Fill your own cup and love yourself ❤️
Did everyone have a nice Valentine’s Day?!? Ours was snowy and quiet!! We decorated cookies and traded handmade valentines! Wouldn’t change a thing.
Sometimes it’s hard to find something to fill this space with every Thursday! Not because I’m lacking in things to be thankful for but because sometimes the days feel heavy and I’m not into toxic positivity! I realize sharing something I’m thankful for isn’t “toxic positivity” but still!
I guess today I’ll share a very simple thing I’m Thankful for! I’m thankful I listened a year ago when hubby told me to buy a Cricut! I’m thankful I gave myself the time and freedom to learn how to use it.
I truly enjoy creating things and honestly think it’s at the top of my list for healthy mental health habits I’ve embraced!
I took this photo this morning and was ready to sit down and take part in the Bell let’s talk initiative and discuss the need to normalize asking for help when it comes to mental health but the longer I sat there the further away my words got from me. All I could find myself thinking about was Performative ally-ship and how awful employees of both companies big and small are often treated when it comes to mental health! Maybe it’s because after being assaulted at work I was pretty much told if I wanted anything done about it I could hire an employment lawyer out of pocket. Maybe it’s because I’m at a point in my life where I expect people to walk the walk if they are going to talk the talk!
I’m wholeheartedly supportive of normalizing conversations about mental health, but let’s not make it once a year to help some corporate giant line their pockets with tax breaks! Let’s check in on friends and family regularly. Let’s teach our kids about feelings, gratitude and that it’s okay to take a mental health day! Let’s think before we type those snarky remarks on social media and remember there is a real person behind the comments. Let’s be supportive of each other and be aware it’s ok to take our own needs into account!
Let’s acknowledge that we are all human and we all have a story! Some of us live our lives as open books but we all have chapters most don’t get to read. Let’s just try to be kind and supportive everyday.
I’m lucky to have an amazing husband and a handful of friends that I know truly care about me and my wellbeing! For that I’m thankful!