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I Lost My Words…

The night Muffin left me. The night my heart broke. Ive tried so many times to write but the words don’t come. Losing my Mom and my fuzzy best friend in a four month span gutted me in a way I can’t even explain. Ive been left feeling alone, feeling an urgency of my own passing years. Forced to face my own mortality. Forced to recognize that these events don’t come with complete closure.

The memories play over and over when I close my eyes. Sometimes they bring comfort but more often they make it hard to breathe. The leave me feeling that cold chill you experience when the sun goes down and day creeps into night.

I swore I wasn’t going to get a puppy. I couldn’t. I swore I didn’t have the patience. I didn’t think I could get past the feeling I’d somehow betrayed Muffin. Everyone told me to wait. I met a few rescue pups and it left me feeling like I’d gotten punched in the gut. Those pups were all sweet but they didn’t give me that feeling. I wasn’t ready to commit but the house felt unbearably empty and cold. Coming home in the mornings after taking Jacob to school gutted me day after day. Never in my life had I experienced feeling so alone. Never had I felt such emptiness.

At the urging of one dedicated dog rescue friend I went to meet a pup. A pup with big flappy ears. Special ears as Krista calls them. I didn’t expect this meeting to go much differently then the other pups. Some cuddles, a face lick and me leaving in tears.

But this meeting did go differently. This little long legged flappy eared pup cuddled up to Kevin. She ignored the other pups and took cover in my lap. She looked at me with the saddest eyes. Her eyes held the same alone feeling I was feeling. Her eyes held a story. A story that in her short life she’d been through so much fear and confusion. For this lil pup had been born in the streets of Mexico and thankfully rescued by amazing people and nursed back to health before being brought to Canada. With that gift of a new life came her losing her “Mom” multiple times in her short life. She lost her birth Momma, she lost he foster Mom in Mexico to come to Canada and on the day I met her she was about to lose her Canadian foster Mom. In that moment with those big sad eyes looking at me I couldn’t let her keep losing her “Mom’s” because I know exactly how it feels.

Now she’s ours and we are hers. Now she feels safe enough to not cry and panic when I go to work. Now she knows this is her home. She’s learned all the people in this crazy full house love her. She has learned that Emma brings her home chicken nuggets and French fries after work. She’s learned Ella is the littlest but makes her feel safe. She’s learned uncle will take kisses when no one is looking. She’s learned Ej gives the best ear scratches. She’s learned Grandpa’s bedroom door is easy to push open for a quick visit. She’s learned there is nothing like have a fuzzy cousin to wrestle with. Shes learned that somehow in this life the stars aligned and her fur brother lives a few blocks away and she gets to play with him! Shes learned Auntie gives great cuddles and usually has treats handy! She’s learned the green grass in the backyard is an amazing place to lay and watch your world. She’s learned that Jacob is the most loving big brother she could of gotten. She’s learned that Dad gives the best tummy rubs and is an absolute lover of puppy cuddles. She’s learned that this house has a box of toys that are all hers and a basket of treats that is never empty. She’s learned this house has the most amazing collection of blankets and she’s welcome to every single one of them!

And she’s learned that this Mom is her forever Mom. That this Mom needs her love. That this Mom wants to give her all the treats, all the toys, all the cuddles. She’s learned this Mom cries sometimes and holds on to another pups collar. She’s learned that those are the best times to quietly position herself next to Momma and offer quiet support. This pup has learned what it’s like to feel love and to give love.

She has learned she’s home.

Bandit is the fuzzy twine that wrapped all the pieces of my broken heart back together and is helping me through the darkness. The question really is who rescued who?

Mother’s Day

With Mother’s Day fast approaching and all the love and fun that comes with it there is also sadness. Sadness for those who have lost their Mom, for those who never knew their Mom, for those who long to be a Mom, for those who long to feel the way they did before they were a Mom. Sadness for those who experienced pain at the hands of the one they call(ed) Mom. For those Dad’s who also have to act as Mom. For those Mom’s that suffered loss and long to hold their babies one more time.

Motherhood changes a person. It made me both stronger and softer. It made me both ferocious and timid. It made me feel love in a way I didn’t know existed and it made me feel anger in ways I wish I didn’t know existed. Motherhood has made me feel both full of love and full of terror. It’s made me marvel at my ability and long for a taste of the freedom I once knew. Losing my own Momma recently has made face my own mortality. It’s made me see things I missed my entire life. It’s made me wish for 5 more minutes to tell her things I should of said years ago. It’s made me understand the demons she was fighting and see the fears she faced. I spent my whole life near her and only truly saw some things for what they were once she was gone.

Being a Mom is hard. Being a Mom is exhausting. Being a Mom means giving up part of who you are so you can help your kids be who they are. Being a Mom is an amazing journey. Losing your Mom is a journey of a different sort.

To all the Mom’s out there…. I see you. I walk beside you! I’m here to help hold you up. I’m here to tell you those feelings and frustrations are ok. To all those who lost their Mom…. I am you, I hold a membership card to that club we didn’t ask to join and I cry with you.

To all the Aunts, Grandmas, friends, sisters, Dads that help stand in for us Mommas when we are sick, tired, drained, broken, or when we just need a minute…. Thank you.

Muffin McGavin

Two moments…forever etched on my heart. The moment we met and the moment you took your last breath. 💔

12.5 short years we had together. I’d give everything for another year. I’m so thankful to have had your love tiny sweet girl.

I’m so thankful that she got to live a life in which she was with us as much as possible. I’m so glad she got to come to work with me all those days back when. I’m so relieved to know she stayed by Kevin’s side for the 7 long years he was dealing with the worst of his injury. I’m thankful she didn’t spend her days waiting for us to come home from work. I’m so glad she knew we loved her.

But most of all I marvel at the bond she had with Jacob. Muffin knew I was pregnant before I knew I was pregnant. In the days prior to me finding out she kept laying her head against my belly. I asked the doctor once and he said dogs have much better hearing than humans do and she could hear Jacob’s heartbeat. When I learned I was pregnant I was terrified how she would react to a baby…evidently I had nothing to worry about! When I got sick during pregnancy she would gag and throw up too. That’s solidarity. When Jacob arrived on the scene it took her a hot minute to claim him as hers and snuggle right in for the long haul. When he’d cry she’d become distraught. I think her favourite thing was when he learned to walk! She was amazed! I was amazed she never destroyed a single one of his toys despite them living on the floor and her being the queen of making it snow with stuffie innards!

I’m going to miss the kisses, the snuggles, hearing your collar tags jingle as you ran down the hallway! I’m going to miss the way you’d stand on my chest and stare at me when I tried to sleep in! I’m going to have to fight the urge to “accidentally” drop your favourite human foods on the ground. I’m going to cry a lot. I’m going to hurt. I’m going to have to find a way to calm myself because you were my sanity.

This world feels a little darker today. This house feels colder and empty. It’s missing it’s heart. I’m missing part of my heart. My tiny best friend has left my earthly side and it hurts in a way I could not have even imagined prior to 8 pm last night. My heart is shattered but I had the honor of knowing true, unconditional love.

Muffin thank you for the love, the knowledge and for the way you let me know I could get through the hard things. Thank you for dedicating your life to loving us. I pray you knew just how much we loved you.

We will always love you

I will never forget you shaggy girl 💔💔

Mental Health Day ….

Look… parenting is hard and I’m the first one to stand up and admit all too frequently I get it wrong. This morning tho, I got it right!

I’m a huge advocate for mental health and treating ourselves with grace. So this morning when Jacob woke up and called me into his room to make a case for missing school today I didn’t skip a beat. As soon as this usually excited for school seven year old told me he was tired and a bit sad I said ok. He continued to plead his case that he’s not sick he’s just tired/sad and I sat down on his bed and said “J you don’t need to convince me you need a mental health day” .

Let’s be real here…we could all benefit from the odd mental health day here and there and because I’ve realized the importance of this in my own life I 100% support it in my child’s life! I was so thankful this morning when even J’s teacher was enthusiastic and supportive of him having a mental health day!

I grew up with parents from a generation that all too frequently ignored mental health. A generation that championed pushing themselves to physical and mental exhaustion. Don’t get me wrong I have the utmost respect for work ethic but I also have mad respect for anyone willing to set boundaries to respect/protect their health, both physical and mental! The past two years have been hard but I’ve learned so much and I know what’s important to me. Nurturing my child’s mental health is just as important as vaccinating him, feeding him well, and keeping his body healthy!

Feeling safe, loved, and heard is so important. Today I got it right and J definitely felt all those things.

We called it a mental health day…Now he’s in great spirits. We just got home! We walked, talked, had breakfast, played at the skate park, watched the ducks, practiced our dance moves on the stage at the amphitheater, laughed, and his favourite part was when I gave him a $5 bill to hide at the skate park for someone else to find and help brighten their day! Side note…it’s actually international Random act of kindness day!

During our morning adventure we talked about the importance of filling our cup and the importance of doing little things to help others fill theirs when we can! We talked about how it’s important to feel our feelings, how it’s ok to be sad sometimes. We talked about making sure we rest, play, work hard, and honor our feelings!

Now we’re cuddling on the couch and he just paused his screen time to tell me this was the best morning he’s ever had! And with that he made my cup overflow. I got it right this morning friends 💙💙💙

Thankful Thursday September 16 2021

This morning I crawled out of my warm bed to take Muffin out to pee. I was hit with cold air upon opening the door! Cold air I haven’t felt since early last spring! I rushed Muff along and upon returning inside took a moment to crawl into bed beside Jacob. His barely awake warm self instantly embraced me and we cuddled for a solid 10 minutes before going about our regular before school routine. Now as I sit here reflecting on the morning I realize how much those ten minutes changed my day. They made me feel loved and relaxed and that put me in a great mood. I had more patience with my parents this morning and generally find myself less stressed!!

I hope our cuddle had the same effect on his day and I hope he never outgrows Momma cuddles! ❤️

You’re The Apple Of My Eye

Break my heart in two…..I’m already looking for you and you’re right here. Why does a few blocks feel like a journey of a million miles? You’re the apple of my eye!! You’re my tiny little best friend. Nothing makes my heart happier than you! Today I let you stand on your own two feet. Today I’ll cry and worry. Today I’ll experience the longest hour of my life. Such a bitter sweet feeling. Your apprehensive feelings are being held at bay by your excitement. Your compassion and concern for me is evident. I’ll be ok sweet boy. I’m just not ready for this… but I’ll learn and be looking forward to picking you up everyday to hear about your adventures. How did 6.5 years go by so fast? Through the jungle, through the dark, in the sunshine, home is wherever I am with you!

You Gotta Do It Yourself

Not everyone is going to like this…. but here it is…. Your mental health and well-being are more important than your job, than your career. More important than your deadlines, your to do list. Bigger than that event you said you’d attend. More important than your size. Bigger than money. More important than other people’s moods. If taking care of your mental health means letting someone else down than let them down. You’re mental health is more important than other people’s opinions of you. Its more important than status. You cannot be successful unless you take care of your own needs. Expressing your emotions and feelings is not a sign of weakness. Doing your best doesn’t mean pleasing all the people all the time. Do the things you need to do for your own well-being. You’re more of an asset to your family when you treat yourself with the love and respect you need and deserve. Fill your own cup and love yourself ❤️

Thankful Thursday Week 2021 9/52

The last Thursday of February and I’m spending most of it in the kitchen! I’ve been baking bread, cookies and generally loving the little farmhouse kitchen space we’ve created!

I’m so Thankful we chose to redo the kitchen! I’m also thankful for friends and family who eat the stupid amounts of sourdough bread I bake!

Thankful Thursday Week 2021 8/52

Did everyone have a nice Valentine’s Day?!? Ours was snowy and quiet!! We decorated cookies and traded handmade valentines! Wouldn’t change a thing.

Sometimes it’s hard to find something to fill this space with every Thursday! Not because I’m lacking in things to be thankful for but because sometimes the days feel heavy and I’m not into toxic positivity! I realize sharing something I’m thankful for isn’t “toxic positivity” but still!

I guess today I’ll share a very simple thing I’m Thankful for! I’m thankful I listened a year ago when hubby told me to buy a Cricut! I’m thankful I gave myself the time and freedom to learn how to use it.

I truly enjoy creating things and honestly think it’s at the top of my list for healthy mental health habits I’ve embraced!