Almost a whole year of the saddest most heart wrenching alone feeling I’ve ever felt.
A year of trying to find the light, of finding the littlest moments to help get me by.
A year of realizing the things you thought you wouldn’t miss are the things you miss the most.
A year of holding on to the fact that it can’t be this way forever. All these sorrows and troubles will someday find a way of settling into dust. The realization that sometimes you have wait out the blizzard and try your best not to freeze.
The night Muffin left me. The night my heart broke. Ive tried so many times to write but the words don’t come. Losing my Mom and my fuzzy best friend in a four month span gutted me in a way I can’t even explain. Ive been left feeling alone, feeling an urgency of my own passing years. Forced to face my own mortality. Forced to recognize that these events don’t come with complete closure.
The memories play over and over when I close my eyes. Sometimes they bring comfort but more often they make it hard to breathe. The leave me feeling that cold chill you experience when the sun goes down and day creeps into night.
I swore I wasn’t going to get a puppy. I couldn’t. I swore I didn’t have the patience. I didn’t think I could get past the feeling I’d somehow betrayed Muffin. Everyone told me to wait. I met a few rescue pups and it left me feeling like I’d gotten punched in the gut. Those pups were all sweet but they didn’t give me that feeling. I wasn’t ready to commit but the house felt unbearably empty and cold. Coming home in the mornings after taking Jacob to school gutted me day after day. Never in my life had I experienced feeling so alone. Never had I felt such emptiness.
At the urging of one dedicated dog rescue friend I went to meet a pup. A pup with big flappy ears. Special ears as Krista calls them. I didn’t expect this meeting to go much differently then the other pups. Some cuddles, a face lick and me leaving in tears.
But this meeting did go differently. This little long legged flappy eared pup cuddled up to Kevin. She ignored the other pups and took cover in my lap. She looked at me with the saddest eyes. Her eyes held the same alone feeling I was feeling. Her eyes held a story. A story that in her short life she’d been through so much fear and confusion. For this lil pup had been born in the streets of Mexico and thankfully rescued by amazing people and nursed back to health before being brought to Canada. With that gift of a new life came her losing her “Mom” multiple times in her short life. She lost her birth Momma, she lost he foster Mom in Mexico to come to Canada and on the day I met her she was about to lose her Canadian foster Mom. In that moment with those big sad eyes looking at me I couldn’t let her keep losing her “Mom’s” because I know exactly how it feels.
Now she’s ours and we are hers. Now she feels safe enough to not cry and panic when I go to work. Now she knows this is her home. She’s learned all the people in this crazy full house love her. She has learned that Emma brings her home chicken nuggets and French fries after work. She’s learned Ella is the littlest but makes her feel safe. She’s learned uncle will take kisses when no one is looking. She’s learned Ej gives the best ear scratches. She’s learned Grandpa’s bedroom door is easy to push open for a quick visit. She’s learned there is nothing like have a fuzzy cousin to wrestle with. Shes learned that somehow in this life the stars aligned and her fur brother lives a few blocks away and she gets to play with him! Shes learned Auntie gives great cuddles and usually has treats handy! She’s learned the green grass in the backyard is an amazing place to lay and watch your world. She’s learned that Jacob is the most loving big brother she could of gotten. She’s learned that Dad gives the best tummy rubs and is an absolute lover of puppy cuddles. She’s learned that this house has a box of toys that are all hers and a basket of treats that is never empty. She’s learned this house has the most amazing collection of blankets and she’s welcome to every single one of them!
And she’s learned that this Mom is her forever Mom. That this Mom needs her love. That this Mom wants to give her all the treats, all the toys, all the cuddles. She’s learned this Mom cries sometimes and holds on to another pups collar. She’s learned that those are the best times to quietly position herself next to Momma and offer quiet support. This pup has learned what it’s like to feel love and to give love.
She has learned she’s home.
Bandit is the fuzzy twine that wrapped all the pieces of my broken heart back together and is helping me through the darkness. The question really is who rescued who?
But I saw something today that really slapped me in the face and got my attention!! Now I’m sharing it with you because it’s so important and no one tells you this!!!! Don’t put your well-being at risk to avoid making a scene or hurting someone’s feelings!! This goes for all the things listed below but also for friendships, jobs, marriages, family dinners, appointments, etc!! If something is making you uncomfortable you don’t owe it to anybody to stay there and suffer!!!
I think this resonates with me so deeply for a number of reasons but especially because of how long I stayed working for an abusive employer because I felt I had too!! I was raised to believe you don’t quit and now thanks to life experience and therapy I know it’s ok to quit! It’s ok to put myself first! It’s ok to walk away!!!
It’s funny writing this today after coming home from my shift at my new job which I absolutely love. I think about what I worked through at my last job and feel so incredibly grateful to now be working for a family who values me as nurse, as a caregiver, and most importantly as a person!
When I left my last job I truly didn’t know if I’d ever return to nursing but after a long hiatus involving therapy, self discovery, self love, and healing I’m so thankful to have found a job in the field I love that reminds me why I went into health care in the first place. I’m so thankful to have found a family to help that truly is thankful for my help.
I now know it’s ok to leave when you don’t feel right about a situation. It’s ok to leave when you aren’t being respected, it’s okay to walk away. You don’t owe your well being to anyone except you!!
Happy New year friends!! Hope everyone enjoyed a quiet evening and ushered the new year in healthy!
We stayed up till midnight to blow our horns and watch some fireworks!
Today we spent the day having a cozy family day!! We ordered some Freshii for dinner, went for a walk in the rain, played some Nintendo, a d did a puzzle!
It was the perfect way to start the year!!
After the changes and chaos of 2020 I’ve decided I’m not setting any resolutions this year. I have however decided to commit to getting outside and walking every single day despite the weather! I’ve also committed to making sure I drink my water every day. I’m not considering these resolutions because I’m looking at them as healthy habits that I want to do for my wellbeing!
Are you setting a resolution? Goal? Any big plans for 2021?
It’s been exactly one year since I walked away from my job with an employer who didn’t value me as a employee but worse he didn’t value you me as a human being. Finding the courage to walk away from a well paying job when I was the sole provider for my little family was one of the hardest and most terrifying things I had ever done!!! But you know what? It was the best decisions I ever made. My well-being and my mental health, my actual health, my sanity all proved more important than a paycheque. Finding my self worth and myself again has been a journey. But as I sit here in this little cabin, looking at the moon reflecting on the lake I’ve never been more sure of something in my life!!
Take care of yourself! Your whole self! Don’t put up with people who treat you like you’re worth less than they are! Don’t put up with people who think they own you because they sign your paycheque. Treat others with respect and don’t tolerate those who don’t treat you the same. Love the ones who love you. Find your people and hold on!
Everything will work out even if the first step terrifies you!
Good morning friends! Im sitting here sipping a cup of tea on the couch and cuddling with Muffin! All is quiet here right now because the boys are still asleep.
When I decided Back in January to do this weekly thankful Thursday post I truly thought it would just be one post of many I did weekly! I had planned on getting back to sharing recipes, Friday faves, life updates, etc but obviously none of that has materialized! I’m not really sure why. I find that despite not having a set list of to do’s, work, etc isn’t making me productive in the traditional sense. I also realize that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I feel like I’m in a quiet season of life these last few months. Obviously covid has lended a hand in that by way of slowing our plans, our outings etc.
I find myself sipping drinks slower, admiring the flowers a little longer, and paying attention to the way the light in the evening hits our living room. Im also finding myself less likely to reach out to friends and wanting to spend more time alone and with my little family.
I can’t really explain how I feel. It’s a weird combination of slower, calculated living and learning to control the pockets of brewing anxiety that make me question what if I’m not making the most of this time?! What if I’m not doing life right!
Kevin has always told me that I’m one of those people who looks for reasons to stress, that I often worry about the what if’s and he’s right! I do that! Lately I’ve been making an effort to not do that. But on some level it’s who I am. However I’m finding myself learning to acknowledge it and work through it more often than not.
I truly thought that I would of spent this time away from work being extremely productive in terms of weight loss, exercise, creating a home schedule for cleaning, meal plans, etc. It’s been almost a year and none of that has happened! And that’s ok! Because what has happened in the last year is a stepping stone that I needed to live the rest of my life. I’ve learned that nothing is guaranteed and that no matter how hard I try to make others happy that ultimately I’m not responsible for their happiness or their joy. Sure I can lend my love and support to their happiness but I’m not responsible for it! I’ve realized that I’m an adult and I don’t need to ask for permission for things I want or need. I’ve learned it’s ok to trust my gut. I’ve realized that I can disappoint others in order to protect myself. I’ve finally accepted that this is my life and no one owns me. No one controls me and the daily civility of life doesn’t mean letting others dictate how I live to meet their needs.
Oh my gosh my kitchen counters are finally installed!!! I’m so excited and beyond thankful to have this done! Countertop measurements are being taken on Friday and should be installed early July!! I’m so excited!!
I’m also so incredibly thankfully that yesterday Jacob and I went to his social distance kindergarten meet and greet and now he’s excited for school this fall!!!
Happy Thursday friends! We are in our fourth week of self isolation over here! The new life “normal” is a lot to take in! Definitely a whole host of emotions daily! I’m thankful my little family is holding up well and healthy so far. I’m thankful for all the folks doing their best to follow the rules and care for each other!
Lets remember there is no one size fits all for handling this current pandemic situation! Some people will thrive through this and others will fall, hurt, or even take their own lives. If you want to work out at home, awesome! If you want to sit on the couch and binge watch Netflix, fantastic! Do whatever feels right with your time at home. Don’t worry about what other people are doing! Resist the urge to compare yourself to others! Resist the urge to judge how others are reacting/function/coping or not! We’re all in this together but we are all allowed to work through it how we need to! Stay home and do you ❤️
It’s been a long week for all of us! I don’t have much to say today but I will share one of the things im thankful for today. I’m thankful for all the logistics staff, farmers, truck drivers, grocery store staff etc working through this terrifying time to maintain our food supply.
Without these integral workers things would be much harder than they already are! So thank you to you and everyone on the front lines. ❤️
It’s been 179 days since I stood up and walked away from an abusive employer. It’s taken me most of those to stop feeling guilty for leaving the patients and taking care of my own wellbeing.
It’s been 1872 days since the accident that took away the way of life my husband and I knew .
It’s been 1837 days since I’ve become a Mom.
It’s been 37 days since we “settled” with ICBC.
In all those days I haven’t found myself but honestly I haven’t really looked. I haven’t really known where to look or how to look. What I do know is I sort of feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel instead of another dark tunnel.
My only thought is “Baby run!” Don’t run away from it run towards it! Run, embrace it. There is no shortcut.
This is the first time in over 5 years that for some reason it feels like I just got a breathe of spring.
Life With The McGavins 