I swear it wasn’t that long ago I looked out my kitchen window to see a bunch of little kids running around the back yard. Nerf guns and giggles…All perfectly tiny in a big world.
Just now I looked out my kitchen window to a handful of preteen boys that are eye level with me these days sitting around the patio table snacking on whatever they got at 7-11 on their walk. Sitting there with cell phones and devious little smirks discussing God only knows.
These almost teens sit there and my heart aches for the little faces, little giggles and big dreams that sat there what felt like just yesterday.
It’s not that I don’t love this stage because I absolutely do but honestly the quickness this happened is making it hard to breath right this second.
I’m so ready to embrace Fall and all it has to offer. Cozy moments, cinnamon and pumpkin wafting through the air. Cooler temperatures, holidays I love, colorful leaves, crunchy walks and that golden glow.
If I’m being completely honest, something feels different this year. Letting go of the summer season is making me a little bit heartsick. Not because I’m sad summer is ending but because I know we are on the verge of saying goodbye to Jacob’s childhood. I know by next summer he’ll be even more independent and taking on even more moments without me by his side.
I know this progression is inevitable and is needed for him to grow into a strong and independent young man but honestly it still stings. It makes the pit of my stomach feel tight. It makes my body do that quick tingle of terror. It makes me want to cry for just a minute before pulling myself together and carrying on.
For the life of me I can’t believe any of this has gone by so fast.
Some days I just hold on to him for a moment and breathe him in. I tell him I love him, tell him how lucky I am to be his Mom. I tell him it’s the greatest job I’ve ever had. I just need him beside me sometimes.
Nobody said motherhood would be easy but nobody said it would be this hard.
I didn’t expect the end of a summer to gut punch me because the reality of how quickly it’s all going would settle in my throat and make it hard to breathe.
He’s growing up way too fast.
So tonight I’ll quietly look at the moments of this summer. Moments forever frozen in time. Photos that make me smile but also make me feel the sting of time gone.
The more I try to soak in that summer sun the faster it all slips through the cracks in the winter ice.
It’s always a random but dreary day when the universe reminds me that I enjoy it. It’s charming but always ends up with that moment of all my fucking lives flashing before my eyes.
I was recently asked by someone I’d just met to list my favorite things, my little joys. Of course I had the go to answer about motherhood and family stuff. He said no … like really list the things that make you smile even when you are alone… he asked me to paint him a picture of all the things that make my life better… pumpkins, fresh flowers, autumn colours, double baked hazelnut croissants, being near the water, the golden hour, raccoons, strawberries and pears, good feta, long showers, dewberry body wash, fancy grocery stores, Starbucks, vintage stickers, thrift stores, the way lace feels against my skin, messy top lip kisses, the way the Bellagio spa smells, Christmas lights under snow, lower back touches, McDonald’s diet Coke, the way Bandit’s ears feel, clean bed sheets, the feeling of putting on new socks, chickadees chirping, dewy spider webs, neck kisses, tea with full fat cream and real sugar, hot coffee, cold coffee, friendly squirrels, stolen hoodies, red foxes, the smell of a new book, the unspoken words across a coffee shop table, good pens, bookmarks, amber glass, fancy planners, sourdough bread, forceful hallway kisses, full body hugs, stolen touches, the taste of whiskey in a kiss, opening the windows on a spring day, the way cold water feels on my feet, parking lot hugs, when the Christmas tree is the only source of light, being held in the shower, the way my nervous system settles when I take that left turn in Little Fort, good morning text messages, fresh strawberries in summer, slowly wandering through antique stores, farmers market purchases in a pretty basket, when the fall merchandise starts arriving in stores, when there isn’t a soul in sight, the thrill in escaping.
…I know they got plenty of young blood left in ‘em and plenty nights under pink skies you taught ‘em to enjoy…
Pink skies, carnival lights, smiles, smells, laughter, sticky fingers, mini donut fueled chaos, certainty they could beat the rigged game system, lemonade pucker, tired feet, the crowds, the sounds, the memories, the future memories, one more ride, one more game…one more memory.
Knowing you’re experiencing one of those “good ol’ days” as it’s happening is priceless.
Days like this become part of who they are later in life and that’s the whole point.
Someday when they remember this day I know from experience they will ache to experience it all again.
Childhood and parenthood are such a wild parallel experience. My only job yesterday was making their day feel magical. Turn a regular day into something beautiful. My heart is full knowing I succeeded.
4018…. The number of days you’ve lived your life thus far….
In big loud ways and in quiet meaningful ways. Every day lends itself to you becoming the young man before us. Every experience you have is a lesson. Every lesson shapes who you are. Every moment this world is a better place because you’re in it. Remember to be true to you. Continue to be kind. Hold your head high with honour. Know you cannot please everyone all the time and that’s ok. Just continue to be you because you’re more than enough.
I’m spending today reliving moments of you in my mind. The moment they put you on my chest. The moment you laughed your first laugh. Your first terrifying steps. Your first day of school. Your first curse word. The first time my heart sank as you stepped foot on that 50 yard line. The fist time I watched your tiny heart break. The first time I let you venture out into this world without me by your side. My phone number sharpied on your arm! The first time you outsmarted me. The first time you protected me. The first time you walked away from someone who hurt you. The first time you showed the world what you’re made of. Every one of those moments rendered me speechless and so very proud of you.
Every day I watch as you grow up a little more. A far cry from that hospital room at 7:14 pm. That tiny little miracle with my name on his wrist. You were new to town and everyone was eager to meet you. Not much has changed because those who know you want to be near you. You make people feel seen and loved. You are wise beyond your years. You don’t run from the scary things, you handle them with grace. You hold your hand out to help others find their way through the dark. You still get that sly little smile when you’re up to no good. You know the meaning of home in a deep sense that many much older than you don’t grasp.
You are everything this world needs, you’re everything that is right in my world.
You’re kind, brave, and loyal.
Go on… take on this whole world! But remember you’ll always be my Baby boo bear. I can’t turn back time but you’ll always be my baby boy.
Jacob…. It’s the end of a decade but the start of an age (Don’t roll your eyes…I had to)
I love you more than words could ever express. You’re my greatest accomplishment. You’re my greatest love.
On the eve of 42… Goodbye Cheers to 41… a year of coping, grieving, and finding my path towards healing. I’m so thankful for the little family I love and to my friends for helping hold me up when I stumbled this year!! I’m so thankful to my core crew who encouraged me to find my peace and see the joy in rediscovering adventure 🩷🩵🩷
I’m so thankful to those who see the best in me even when I’m struggling.
I’m so thankful to the few I’ve grown close to this year and the safe place they offer me when I’m struggling and when I’m thriving.
When you think you’ve got the grief handled it rears its head after a week of happiness. It knocks you down when you feel like yourself. You can’t float because it has a way of taking the wind from your sails and the worst part is you can’t figure out why it comes like this.
I was told the best thing to do is sit with the grief. Feel it. Embrace it. I can tell you at 5 am just days before my 42 birthday I don’t want to feel it.. I want to shake it. I want to feel like I did on better days this week. I want the sunshine to come back. I want to drink coffee with people I love. I want to laugh. I want to feel the sparks of life. I want to feel like me.
I think in reality it never goes away. Grief is like a chronic illness we will live with the rest of our lives. Sometimes the pain subsides but the symptoms always come back.
I can tell you it’s shitty.
I guess maybe the grief is a reminder to really embrace the good stuff. A reminder to really hold on to the people who make you feel loved and safe. A reminder to sit down and listen to those stories, Really hear the words. Memorize the sound of their voice. Trace the shape of those faces into your mind as you listen to them talk.
None of this life is anything we get to keep forever… Embrace the little moments, hug a little longer. Let the sunshine days recharge your soul so you’re strong enough to weather the mornings you wake up with dread.
Every morning after we get the kids to school… after our walk is done we take a few minutes and cuddle quietly on the couch. We soak in the silence and just breathe and honestly it might be my favourite moment of my day. I know not everyone can understand the bond I share with Bandit. To some people she’s “just a dog” but to me she’s the soul who helped pick up my brokenness in my season of loss. 🩵🐾
It’s Bandit’s rescue-aversary!! 2 years ago today this beautiful girl and her brothers were rescued in Mexico and everyday I’m eternally grateful that this girl is my girl. I truly don’t know what I’d do without this sweet soul by my side!! I’ve never experienced a bond with another creature (animal or human) like the bond I share with her. She was my soft spot to land during my profound season of loss. Through a season of gut wrenching heartbreak she found her way to me and was there to love. Without words she’s helped paw my heart back together. Without words she reminds me daily what love means. She reminds me to find time to play, to smell the smells and to love our boys with annoying enthusiasm. She is without a doubt one of the bright spots in my life that keep me going.
