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How Are You Still Holding On???

We’re lost again but this time there were no surprises. Just closed eyes and more disappointment.

They say don’t blink because you might miss it all. I’m really starting to understand just how fast life really does go. Everyday those memories get a little blurrier around the edges. Those things that are here today could be gone tomorrow. We have to keep smiling even when our eyes are full of tears.

At some point I realized I simply can’t go home anymore because that place doesn’t exist any longer. At least not in a physical sense. I’ve realized that all this time I’ve been desperately trying to find the pieces to put myself back together but the world keeps chipping off hunks of me through life and loss. I don’t think I can ever be put back together in the sense I was looking for because nothing ever stays the same. In realizing that I also realized because of that everything stays the same on a different parallel line. For a brief moment I felt like maybe I’d stumbled upon the secret of life. Everything changes but nothing really changes. Everything stays the same in a way. We just keep going. We just keep holding on.

So That Was Christmas

So that was 2022.

An entire year without her.

An entire year of downward trajectory.

An entire year of heartbreak.

A year of trying to hold on.

A year of not letting it break me completely.

Almost a whole year of the saddest most heart wrenching alone feeling I’ve ever felt.

A year of trying to find the light, of finding the littlest moments to help get me by.

A year of realizing the things you thought you wouldn’t miss are the things you miss the most.

A year of holding on to the fact that it can’t be this way forever. All these sorrows and troubles will someday find a way of settling into dust. The realization that sometimes you have wait out the blizzard and try your best not to freeze.

Hello December..

Hello December, I’m filled with both excitement and a bit of sadness as we start this festive month. This morning I was excited to shower treats upon my baby and my fur baby! Jacob loved the things Elfonzo brought and Jasmine was very intrigued by these boxes of treats first thing in the morning that we were all very excited to show her!! Treats before breakfast and gingerbread are currently her favourite parts of Christmas!! Jacob was excited when he noticed a Purdys Santa beside his lunch. The Purdys Santa is 100% something Mom did for me as a child on December First! December lost most of it’s magic last year when Grandma got sick and left us and I want to honor her memory and my memories of how hard she always tried to make Christmas special by doing my best to bring back the fun and magic of this special month. 🎄🎄🎄⛄️⛄️⛄️🤶🏻🎅

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…..

When you’re a kid no one tells you how it will feel when the things you knew for years disappear. I guess it’s probably for the best we don’t worry about those things before it happens.

It’s a sort of empty, confusing feeling. I’ve seen this room, I’ve walked these floors, they’ve never felt so cozy and cold at the same time.

Here We Are….

Trying to find a way of getting on with our lives. Finding forgiveness. Feeling the sadness. Learning it’s not worth being angry all the time.

Here we are wondering how things can change so bloody fast! Realizing we have to go forward because we can’t go back. Finding a way to carry on.

We carry on when our lives fall apart. We fight the darkness. We find joy in small things. We have to.

Grief is big but our ability to carry on is bigger.