Three years ago today I held her hand as she left this world. I listened as she took her last breath. There hasn’t been a day since then that I haven’t thought about her. Her favourite things have become my favourite things because they remind me of her. I find myself buying things in the grocery store she bought. I find myself ordering the food she loved in restaurants. I buy myself the flowers and I eat the cake because of her. I try my hardest to bring Jacob happiness and give him little treats the way she did for me. I carry everything about her real deep in my chest.
After school gingerbread decorating with Christmas royalty!! Oh how I pray these memories stick with these kids and some day when they are in their 40’s they think back on these moments and smile. I hope they feel the nostalgia…. I hope when im gone and they miss me that they hold these memories close
When you’re pregnant people are quick to share advice and tips. When you have a new born everyone has a sure fire way to help you cope! When you reach the toddler years the other Mom’s are quick to share stories about what is working and what isn’t.
But what nobody talks about is how it’s going to feel when you realize your little isn’t little anymore. No one talks about the last time they rocked their little to sleep because the thing about last times is we generally don’t know it’s the last time.
No one tells you the sting of going from a moment of elation watching your 9 year old run in a touchdown to the utter gut punch moment of realizing your 9 year old is now big enough and strong enough to be excelling in a full contact sport.
No one tells you about the day their little strolled into the kitchen and got their own snack because they don’t need to rely on the grown ups for simple things anymore.
Nobody tells you.
Nobody talks about it.
We all experience it over and over tho. We take it in stride, We absorb it in quiet. We wipe away the tear that spilled out as we try to catch our breath. We endure it alone, in our way. But we don’t talk about it.
Nothing slows down ….. my baby moves faster everyday and tho he’s still right here he’s metaphorically miles away all the time. He’s finding his path, he’s finding his strength, he’s finding himself.
No one told me how to swallow the bittersweet taste of watching my only baby become a big kid.
No one told me that my proudest days of watching him succeed would come with nights laying awake wondering how it all went down so fast.
Time is betraying me while it simultaneously holds open doors of adventure, growth, and wisdom for Jacob. Time is stealing him from me and me from him.
Nobody talks about it because it’s life’s greatest hurt.
Life With The McGavins 