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How Are You Still Holding On???

We’re lost again but this time there were no surprises. Just closed eyes and more disappointment.

They say don’t blink because you might miss it all. I’m really starting to understand just how fast life really does go. Everyday those memories get a little blurrier around the edges. Those things that are here today could be gone tomorrow. We have to keep smiling even when our eyes are full of tears.

At some point I realized I simply can’t go home anymore because that place doesn’t exist any longer. At least not in a physical sense. I’ve realized that all this time I’ve been desperately trying to find the pieces to put myself back together but the world keeps chipping off hunks of me through life and loss. I don’t think I can ever be put back together in the sense I was looking for because nothing ever stays the same. In realizing that I also realized because of that everything stays the same on a different parallel line. For a brief moment I felt like maybe I’d stumbled upon the secret of life. Everything changes but nothing really changes. Everything stays the same in a way. We just keep going. We just keep holding on.

So That Was Christmas

So that was 2022.

An entire year without her.

An entire year of downward trajectory.

An entire year of heartbreak.

A year of trying to hold on.

A year of not letting it break me completely.

Almost a whole year of the saddest most heart wrenching alone feeling I’ve ever felt.

A year of trying to find the light, of finding the littlest moments to help get me by.

A year of realizing the things you thought you wouldn’t miss are the things you miss the most.

A year of holding on to the fact that it can’t be this way forever. All these sorrows and troubles will someday find a way of settling into dust. The realization that sometimes you have wait out the blizzard and try your best not to freeze.

Hello December..

Hello December, I’m filled with both excitement and a bit of sadness as we start this festive month. This morning I was excited to shower treats upon my baby and my fur baby! Jacob loved the things Elfonzo brought and Jasmine was very intrigued by these boxes of treats first thing in the morning that we were all very excited to show her!! Treats before breakfast and gingerbread are currently her favourite parts of Christmas!! Jacob was excited when he noticed a Purdys Santa beside his lunch. The Purdys Santa is 100% something Mom did for me as a child on December First! December lost most of it’s magic last year when Grandma got sick and left us and I want to honor her memory and my memories of how hard she always tried to make Christmas special by doing my best to bring back the fun and magic of this special month. 🎄🎄🎄⛄️⛄️⛄️🤶🏻🎅

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…..

When you’re a kid no one tells you how it will feel when the things you knew for years disappear. I guess it’s probably for the best we don’t worry about those things before it happens.

It’s a sort of empty, confusing feeling. I’ve seen this room, I’ve walked these floors, they’ve never felt so cozy and cold at the same time.

The Hardest Goodbye…

This morning we as a family laid Mom to rest in a beautiful, simple ceremony. We got to say our earthly goodbyes and send her off with love and beautiful flowers. We shared donuts and coffee at home and once again held each other up.

What will stick with me forever about today is something that could be seen as unimportant to some but I am almost 40 years old and spent the better part of my life trying to convince my hard working mother to join me for a manicure. As a child I desperately wanted to paint her nails! She always had an excuse and said no because she wasn’t into that sort of thing! We lived on a farm, It wasn’t practical! She painted mine as a child but never hers! This morning as I got to say my last earthly goodbye to my Mom I was drawn her her beautiful hands, the hands that raised me, that tended our home and farm, the hands that cared for our pets and horses. The hands that cooked our meals, grew our food, baked treats, and held us up when life was hard.

This morning her beautiful hard working, well lived hands had the sweetest shade of pale peach nail polish applied to them. Very faint almost easy to miss but my heart noticed right away.

Today a stranger who cared for my Mom in her last earthly moments gave me the gift of seeing my mothers well lived hands look peaceful and beautiful. A stranger gave me a gift they have no idea I’ll carry the rest of my life.

For that I thank every one of you in the death care industry.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Mom

You would of been 77 today. You would of told us you wanted nothing for your birthday but then been thrilled with the gifts and cake. You would of snuck a second helping over the kitchen sink leaving nothing but crumbs and a frosting covered knife to give you away. I wish you were here. But as you spend your first heavenly birthday please know we are honouring your special day down here too. Nancy got the most beautiful delicious cake and together we ate and said your name. We will always remember your birthday and continue to say your name because you still walk beside us even if we can’t see you. Happy heavenly Birthday Mom 🌹

❤️ Heart To Heart and Hand in Hand 💔

I asked my Mom for a white Christmas just an hour or so before she left us 2 weeks ago. She delivered today. I cried and laughed simultaneously. I can’t explain the way I felt today. I can tell you I’m not ready to pack Christmas away.
At dinner we left an empty chair between my Father and my husband. This too made me both smile & feel empty and sad at the same time.
Navigating the holiday season through this season of grief has been hard. And so know my journey has only just begun. I’m thankful to be surrounded by an amazing group of friends who continue to check on me, who continue to do little things to raise my spirits. I’m thankful Christmas Day was white and snowy. Im thankful for the memories of Christmases past with my Mom. I’m thankful and I’m sad. In the words of the Grinch “Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart and hand in hand. ❤️❄️❄️❄️🎄🎄🎄💔

Scenes From Sunday

I’ve got a lot I should update about but I’m not ready. I’m sad and grief is absolutely unmapped territory.

So instead I’ll share some photos from today. Our day was quiet but productive. We got groceries, I hugged a friend, I drank coffee sitting down, I left the house, I ate yummy food, I wore my festive pants and I felt all the feels. A friend dropped off lovely flowers and fun Rae Dunn things to cheer me up. I thought a lot about my friends who are checking in and showing up. It means the world to me.