…I know they got plenty of young blood left in ‘em and plenty nights under pink skies you taught ‘em to enjoy…
Pink skies, carnival lights, smiles, smells, laughter, sticky fingers, mini donut fueled chaos, certainty they could beat the rigged game system, lemonade pucker, tired feet, the crowds, the sounds, the memories, the future memories, one more ride, one more game…one more memory.
Knowing you’re experiencing one of those “good ol’ days” as it’s happening is priceless.
Days like this become part of who they are later in life and that’s the whole point.
Someday when they remember this day I know from experience they will ache to experience it all again.
Childhood and parenthood are such a wild parallel experience. My only job yesterday was making their day feel magical. Turn a regular day into something beautiful. My heart is full knowing I succeeded.
The most perfect, almost moody skies, a melancholy hint rolling in with the waves. The insistence of the breeze. The silent yet deafening reminder that joy is in the ride even when the sun hides.
Sitting here watching Jacob’s childhood happen in real time is beautiful, specifically because it is fleeting, imperfect, and deeply felt everyday. I’m consciously choosing to keep seeing the beauty in all of it while simultaneously carrying grief, hope, memories, and love.
The grief of my parents being gone, the anticipatory grief of knowing how soon Jacob will become too grown up for spontaneous beach days. The grief of my own failures and aging.
The love I have for my family, my friends, my life.
The memories of my life lived thus far.
Reminding myself every day to soak in the ordinary joy, the ordinary miracles. Stand in the waves, eat the fries, exist freely in the moment. Take up space.
The only way to get through any of this is with quiet resilience, nostalgia, maternal love, and knowing in my heart that healing doesn’t always look happy…sometimes it just looks like showing up for a beautiful afternoon even if the wind blows or the sky is a little moody.
4018…. The number of days you’ve lived your life thus far….
In big loud ways and in quiet meaningful ways. Every day lends itself to you becoming the young man before us. Every experience you have is a lesson. Every lesson shapes who you are. Every moment this world is a better place because you’re in it. Remember to be true to you. Continue to be kind. Hold your head high with honour. Know you cannot please everyone all the time and that’s ok. Just continue to be you because you’re more than enough.
I’m spending today reliving moments of you in my mind. The moment they put you on my chest. The moment you laughed your first laugh. Your first terrifying steps. Your first day of school. Your first curse word. The first time my heart sank as you stepped foot on that 50 yard line. The fist time I watched your tiny heart break. The first time I let you venture out into this world without me by your side. My phone number sharpied on your arm! The first time you outsmarted me. The first time you protected me. The first time you walked away from someone who hurt you. The first time you showed the world what you’re made of. Every one of those moments rendered me speechless and so very proud of you.
Every day I watch as you grow up a little more. A far cry from that hospital room at 7:14 pm. That tiny little miracle with my name on his wrist. You were new to town and everyone was eager to meet you. Not much has changed because those who know you want to be near you. You make people feel seen and loved. You are wise beyond your years. You don’t run from the scary things, you handle them with grace. You hold your hand out to help others find their way through the dark. You still get that sly little smile when you’re up to no good. You know the meaning of home in a deep sense that many much older than you don’t grasp.
You are everything this world needs, you’re everything that is right in my world.
You’re kind, brave, and loyal.
Go on… take on this whole world! But remember you’ll always be my Baby boo bear. I can’t turn back time but you’ll always be my baby boy.
Jacob…. It’s the end of a decade but the start of an age (Don’t roll your eyes…I had to)
I love you more than words could ever express. You’re my greatest accomplishment. You’re my greatest love.
She showed up in the passenger seat of our best friend’s car while I showed up alone in a full size Chevy Silverado that I backed into a parking spot. She looked confused but beautiful! I let her know that that particular driving skill terrified us for years and we would once go 3 entire years without driving because of anxiety and fear. Until one day we just said fuck it and did the scary thing! That at 39 years old we’d learn how to really drive with confidence and learn how to back up!
She questioned why I was out alone and I told her that I enjoy being alone sometimes. That I still love being with our friends but I frequently go shopping, for walks, coffee and to the gym alone. She asked if Katie and I were still friends and I told her yes of course! Our kids are friends too and her daughters call our husband Uncle Sasquatch! Baby Katie passed out on the spot!
We ordered our coffee and she side eyed me when I didn’t order fat free milk. I told her that I preferred the flavor of full fat dairy and the extra calories aren’t significant. She sighed in her size 8 lululemons and said “I guess we never lose the weight huh?” I tell her actually we did… we got to goal weight and it did not change how we felt about ourself! I told her at goal weight our body failed and we became the sickest we’d ever been. I told her about the debilitating hip pain, vomiting and the chronic hives. How we almost died during pregnancy from malnutrition…. But then I told her that while running a half marathon at 6 months postpartum I decided the amount of space my body took up on this earth was no longer going to be my constant focus. That yes I’d like to live in a smaller body but starving myself was no longer an option to achieve that. Unfortunately an autoimmune disease would predominantly decided our body shape and size and eventually we’d realized that a functioning pain free body was more important than a small body. I reassured her that we’d do the work and find our self worth and learn to love ourselves for who we are and not the size of our body!
When we went to our table her eyes grew wide as I took off my jacket. “Are those tattoos!?!?” Yes 12 of them! She gasped and I laughed. “I guess with all those you don’t talk to Dad anymore?” I told her not for a few years anyways… Not since he died shortly after mom passed away. She choked back a tear “but were still so young and they are dead”… yes sweet girl they died before we even got our stride as a real grown up but don’t worry we did our absolute best by them. We provided care in their last years and held their hands as they left this world. She stared quietly out the window trying to grasp that news.
She watched as I stood up and warmly embraced a tall well dressed man that had come through the door… “is that our husband? What happened to Shane!!” No sweet girl that’s not our husband, that’s one of our best friends! That particular man will teach you a very important lesson about truly knowing people, trusting your gut and forming your own opinions based on your truths!! It’s very important you double down and embrace that relationship and learning!
As for our husband… it’s not Shane either! We still love Shane…and talk weekly! Our kids are friends too! Our husband tho is the magic … he is a big stoic, husky bearded hunk who lets us away with far too much nonsense but offers us the utmost protection and safety. He is an amazing father and our rock! He lets us hide when the world gets too loud. He’s the kind of man that lets the big hound dog sit at the dinner table only because it makes us happy! He’s not your type…. He’s my type! You’ll understand eventually!
She giggled then sipped her low calorie fat free iced coffee and asked “you keep mentioning a child! I thought we didn’t want kids!” Well they originally told us it was unlikely we’d conceive but the universe had other plans and we have one son and he’s the most amazing gift we have in this life! Tho buckle up buttercup because he’s got your sass and personality! Motherhood is an adventure we didn’t plan for or see coming but don’t worry we’re kinda awesome at it!
She sat quietly for a long time and then asked “Nothing seems to have gone according to my plans…our teaching career must of! Right!?”
Nope! We did not pursue teaching… Psychology actually then nursing. Your life’s work will be providing comfort and support while caring for others but please remember to rest, trust your gut and care for yourself in the process. An awful, scary life event will almost take you out of your line of work and it’s imperative you fight through the darkness because another family needs you years after that assult and they become like family to you.
She sat quietly trying to absorb it all. Before leaving we embraced and she whispered “I think I’ll like being you!”
I held her close and reminded her not to rush it, enjoy every stage of this life, even when it seems unconventional because she’s going to meet her other two best friends… one at work and one because you’ll date her future husband!! I told her the secret that it all goes by faster than you can even grasp. I warned her there would be seasons of profound darkness and she’d almost give up but it’s important to know the deep darkness clears and things are beautiful. Life will never be perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.
I told her she would always feel everything. The whole of the good the heaviness of the bad. That our entire life we’d love so many people in so many ways. That we’d feel love on so many levels. I told her to make sure those people know she loves them. Don’t ever hide it. The love matters. Some would stay a life time and some would stay a season.
I made her promise to find her voice, find her confidence, use her voice and experience life as it comes!
Childhood….the days when it felt like an eternity between the first day of school and summer vacation! 10 months that felt like 10 years. Those days we had no idea how quickly the days would pass later in life.
Watching Jacob enjoy his summer this year took me back to my preteen years. A time before responsibilities. A time before screens. A time when my brain still let my imagination run the show. I remember how the dry grass felt on my feet. How the cold lake water took my breath away but I’d jump in over and over. I remember how exciting it was to get to the cabin. How ice cream melted so fast in the hot sun. The smell of campfire smoke in my hair as I drifted off to sleep.
I was lucky enough to relive all these feelings and more this past summer with my little family.
This summer I remembered what summer freedom felt like. This summer I remembered what summer love feels like. This summer I let myself live so many adventures. This summer I found a happiness I’d misplaced a long time ago.
I am blessed to feel safe enough in this life to let Jacob go off on big adventures with friends that I only dreamed of as a child. A week at camp, sleepovers hours away from home, the waterslides, tree swings, hiking, bike riding, trailer camp outs, beach walks, ocean side fires, kayaking, target shooting, paddle boarding, sturgeon fishing!!
Someone said to me this summer “Wow your child is living his best life!” and it reminded me how lucky I am to be living his best life with him. It reminded me how much I learn from him and from being a Mom.
It’s hard to think about the small number of summers we have left before Jacob isn’t as keen on adventures with Mom and Dad. For now I’m going to lean into these adventures, lean into the best life we get to experience together. I’m going to savour the way the late summer sun feels in the afternoon and the way I feel safe in a way I’ve never experienced or understood until now.
For now I’m going to keep letting myself let it all in. Im going to leave the walls crumbled on the ground. I’m going to enjoy the novelty that is me, that is this adventure! I’m going to enjoy the last few kisses in the summer sun. I’m just going to let it happen….
Today I spent the majority of the day working with Jacob on his science project!
This project was such a solid reminder to me how different my child’s childhood is than mine was.
This little science project was originally due last Thursday and I had asked Jacob’s teacher for an extension due to the sadness and grieving we all were experiencing last week with the loss of Gill.
Looking over the past week never once was my child stressed because this project wasn’t being done, never once was he stressed because it was late never once was he concerned or had any anxiety over this project!
Never once did I yell at him or raise my voice to him, even though I have spent the last week and a bit stressing over his project and overthinking it and over analyzing it.
When I look at the finished product that we created, it reminds me of the visions I had in my head as a child for my own science projects. Ones I was never able to create to a level I was proud of. Never was I able to create what I envisioned because I was never good at making bubble letters by hand and I never had all of the bits and pieces nor would anyone take me to the dollar store to acquire those bits and pieces. There was not extra money for things to make my science project look pretty. When I was a kid, we had what we needed. There were always lots of groceries. The house was always warm. We always had clothes and shoes. Our needs were always more than met but the shiny bits and pieces were often what we went without. But you know what that was OK we did just fine without the shiny bits.
Today Jacob and I started working on this project at about 10 AM. The child had a crash course on how to use the cricut machine. He had a crash course on how to use Design Space software and how to use the MacBook. He pawed through the extensive box of scrapbooking paper to find just the right materials. He even ventured in to my sticker collection to see what he could find.
We worked together to create all of the bits and pieces. We then laid them all out in a mock up before we took a break and went to McDonald’s for lunch and before heading to the dollar store to collect materials! We came home and assembled it. Gluing and giggling as it came together! Popcorn kernels littered the floor!
He walked away from this day so very proud of his project and happily telling me how much fun he had!! He was excited that he was able to teach me something because I honestly had no idea there was water inside corn kernels!!
What a wildly different childhood my child is experiencing from my own! I vividly remember my first science project in grade 4 and it was a planet science project. I didn’t know what I was doing and no one would help me. Not because my parents were mean or didn’t care but because my dad worked full-time, and my mom simply was unable to help with a lot of academic things . I remember I had to stay home from school on a Thursday to finish it and I got yelled at so much. The yelling was because I did not finish the project in a timely manner. I did not meet the due date assigned by my teacher and growing up rules were to be strictly followed in our home. The word of school and of teachers was next to godliness.
I have the utmost respect for Jacob‘s teachers. I absolutely could not even begin to do their job. I do not possess the patients or the calmness to deal with a classroom full of inquiring minds. I respect the teachers directives. I respect due dates, but I also am a realist…
Sometimes things in life are more important than a due date.
After asking for the extension last week this new week proceeded to get away from us for a multitude of reasons. Our plan was to knock this project out Wednesday night when I got home at 5 pm. Instead life and mental health needs had other plans! Jacob called me at 4 pm while I was with A and asked if he could go swimming with Carter. I said yes while knowing that in the grand scheme of life staying home on a Thursday to do your science project really wasn’t a big deal.
This little science project taught Jacob and I more about life and love and how it feels to have somebody help you and how it feels to help somebody with something important in their life then it did about actual science.
This little science project healed a tiny part of my 10-year-old inner child who over the course of this lifetime has remembered crying over that planetary science project many times.
I hold no grudges or ill memories of my parents for being unable to help me in the educational department, and I have nothing but respect and thankfulness for the life that they provided me, even if it didn’t always have the shiny bits. In this life, and through my own grief, I have learned that things can coexist. Feelings of grief and happiness for example. I am immensely thankful that I am able to help Jacob on projects like this even when it stirs up bits of my own trauma. I’m so thankful that I learned about the importance of not stressing my child out over silly things. I love(d) my parents ferociously, but I’m so thankful that I love my child differently than I was loved.
I think one of the biggest secrets of being a parent is just how healing the journey can be if you allow it.
Amazing how a science project on matter was such a staunch reminder of what really matters.
That’s how many days you’ve blessed us with the gift of knowing you. The gift of watching you grow and learn. The laughs , the tears, the smart mouth!
Boo bear, Mini McGavin, Captain Sass-pants…. Every day with you is an adventure.
I cannot wrap my head around the fact you turn 10 today. The math isn’t mathing because I’m sure I just had you. I’m sure I just watched you take your first steps, heard your first word. I’m sure I just watched you walk into your first day of school but I blinked and now I watch you navigate life and friendship. I watch from the sidelines as you dominate on the football field. I watch you as you learn the good and bad about this world. I watch every day as you grow a little more and learn a little more.
I am so thankful that through all the tough things you’ve faced you still stay soft and kind. I’m so relieved that you have found your voice and your strength. I hope that you always keep your kindness and your curiosity. I pray you always see the good in things.
I’m so incredibly proud of the 10 year old you’ve become.
You’re not a little kid anymore but you’ll always be my baby boy 🩵 🐻
Life With The McGavins 