Trophy hunting….

It’s always a random but dreary day when the universe reminds me that I enjoy it. It’s charming but always ends up with that moment of all my fucking lives flashing before my eyes.

I was recently asked by someone I’d just met to list my favorite things, my little joys. Of course I had the go to answer about motherhood and family stuff. He said no … like really list the things that make you smile even when you are alone… he asked me to paint him a picture of all the things that make my life better… pumpkins, fresh flowers, autumn colours, double baked hazelnut croissants, being near the water, the golden hour, raccoons, strawberries and pears, good feta, long showers, dewberry body wash, fancy grocery stores, Starbucks, vintage stickers, thrift stores, the way lace feels against my skin, messy top lip kisses, the way the Bellagio spa smells, Christmas lights under snow, lower back touches, McDonald’s diet Coke, the way Bandit’s ears feel, clean bed sheets, the feeling of putting on new socks, chickadees chirping, dewy spider webs, neck kisses, tea with full fat cream and real sugar, hot coffee, cold coffee, friendly squirrels, stolen hoodies, red foxes, the smell of a new book, the unspoken words across a coffee shop table, good pens, bookmarks, amber glass, fancy planners, sourdough bread, forceful hallway kisses, full body hugs, stolen touches, the taste of whiskey in a kiss, opening the windows on a spring day, the way cold water feels on my feet, parking lot hugs, when the Christmas tree is the only source of light, being held in the shower, the way my nervous system settles when I take that left turn in Little Fort, good morning text messages, fresh strawberries in summer, slowly wandering through antique stores, farmers market purchases in a pretty basket, when the fall merchandise starts arriving in stores, when there isn’t a soul in sight, the thrill in escaping.

Being reminded I love all my fucking lives!

Teach them to enjoy the pink sky magic and the regular Tuesdays!

May17

…I know they got plenty of young blood left in ‘em and plenty nights under pink skies you taught ‘em to enjoy…

Pink skies, carnival lights, smiles, smells, laughter, sticky fingers, mini donut fueled chaos, certainty they could beat the rigged game system, lemonade pucker, tired feet, the crowds, the sounds, the memories, the future memories, one more ride, one more game…one more memory.

Knowing you’re experiencing one of those “good ol’ days” as it’s happening is priceless.

Days like this become part of who they are later in life and that’s the whole point.

Someday when they remember this day I know from experience they will ache to experience it all again.

Childhood and parenthood are such a wild parallel experience. My only job yesterday was making their day feel magical. Turn a regular day into something beautiful. My heart is full knowing I succeeded.

Summer in the rightest way….

Sep8

Childhood….the days when it felt like an eternity between the first day of school and summer vacation! 10 months that felt like 10 years. Those days we had no idea how quickly the days would pass later in life.

Watching Jacob enjoy his summer this year took me back to my preteen years. A time before responsibilities. A time before screens. A time when my brain still let my imagination run the show. I remember how the dry grass felt on my feet. How the cold lake water took my breath away but I’d jump in over and over. I remember how exciting it was to get to the cabin. How ice cream melted so fast in the hot sun. The smell of campfire smoke in my hair as I drifted off to sleep.

I was lucky enough to relive all these feelings and more this past summer with my little family.

This summer I remembered what summer freedom felt like. This summer I remembered what summer love feels like. This summer I let myself live so many adventures. This summer I found a happiness I’d misplaced a long time ago.

I am blessed to feel safe enough in this life to let Jacob go off on big adventures with friends that I only dreamed of as a child. A week at camp, sleepovers hours away from home, the waterslides, tree swings, hiking, bike riding, trailer camp outs, beach walks, ocean side fires, kayaking, target shooting, paddle boarding, sturgeon fishing!!

Someone said to me this summer “Wow your child is living his best life!” and it reminded me how lucky I am to be living his best life with him. It reminded me how much I learn from him and from being a Mom.

It’s hard to think about the small number of summers we have left before Jacob isn’t as keen on adventures with Mom and Dad. For now I’m going to lean into these adventures, lean into the best life we get to experience together. I’m going to savour the way the late summer sun feels in the afternoon and the way I feel safe in a way I’ve never experienced or understood until now.

For now I’m going to keep letting myself let it all in. Im going to leave the walls crumbled on the ground. I’m going to enjoy the novelty that is me, that is this adventure! I’m going to enjoy the last few kisses in the summer sun. I’m just going to let it happen….