I wondered quietly to myself as I pulled into the parking spot at Williams park if I’d get a sign they were there with us….
As soon as we picked a spot and the boys took off into the water Eric pointed out the owl…
I stood in the very spot I’d stood with my Dad so many times as a child admiring this beautiful bird for a long time.
Just like the Christmas snow the sign could not be any clearer.
The signs are always there when you pay attention 🍀🦉❤️
Today I spent the majority of the day working with Jacob on his science project!
This project was such a solid reminder to me how different my child’s childhood is than mine was.
This little science project was originally due last Thursday and I had asked Jacob’s teacher for an extension due to the sadness and grieving we all were experiencing last week with the loss of Gill.
Looking over the past week never once was my child stressed because this project wasn’t being done, never once was he stressed because it was late never once was he concerned or had any anxiety over this project!
Never once did I yell at him or raise my voice to him, even though I have spent the last week and a bit stressing over his project and overthinking it and over analyzing it.
When I look at the finished product that we created, it reminds me of the visions I had in my head as a child for my own science projects. Ones I was never able to create to a level I was proud of. Never was I able to create what I envisioned because I was never good at making bubble letters by hand and I never had all of the bits and pieces nor would anyone take me to the dollar store to acquire those bits and pieces. There was not extra money for things to make my science project look pretty. When I was a kid, we had what we needed. There were always lots of groceries. The house was always warm. We always had clothes and shoes. Our needs were always more than met but the shiny bits and pieces were often what we went without. But you know what that was OK we did just fine without the shiny bits.
Today Jacob and I started working on this project at about 10 AM. The child had a crash course on how to use the cricut machine. He had a crash course on how to use Design Space software and how to use the MacBook. He pawed through the extensive box of scrapbooking paper to find just the right materials. He even ventured in to my sticker collection to see what he could find.
We worked together to create all of the bits and pieces. We then laid them all out in a mock up before we took a break and went to McDonald’s for lunch and before heading to the dollar store to collect materials! We came home and assembled it. Gluing and giggling as it came together! Popcorn kernels littered the floor!
He walked away from this day so very proud of his project and happily telling me how much fun he had!! He was excited that he was able to teach me something because I honestly had no idea there was water inside corn kernels!!
What a wildly different childhood my child is experiencing from my own! I vividly remember my first science project in grade 4 and it was a planet science project. I didn’t know what I was doing and no one would help me. Not because my parents were mean or didn’t care but because my dad worked full-time, and my mom simply was unable to help with a lot of academic things . I remember I had to stay home from school on a Thursday to finish it and I got yelled at so much. The yelling was because I did not finish the project in a timely manner. I did not meet the due date assigned by my teacher and growing up rules were to be strictly followed in our home. The word of school and of teachers was next to godliness.
I have the utmost respect for Jacob‘s teachers. I absolutely could not even begin to do their job. I do not possess the patients or the calmness to deal with a classroom full of inquiring minds. I respect the teachers directives. I respect due dates, but I also am a realist…
Sometimes things in life are more important than a due date.
After asking for the extension last week this new week proceeded to get away from us for a multitude of reasons. Our plan was to knock this project out Wednesday night when I got home at 5 pm. Instead life and mental health needs had other plans! Jacob called me at 4 pm while I was with A and asked if he could go swimming with Carter. I said yes while knowing that in the grand scheme of life staying home on a Thursday to do your science project really wasn’t a big deal.
This little science project taught Jacob and I more about life and love and how it feels to have somebody help you and how it feels to help somebody with something important in their life then it did about actual science.
This little science project healed a tiny part of my 10-year-old inner child who over the course of this lifetime has remembered crying over that planetary science project many times.
I hold no grudges or ill memories of my parents for being unable to help me in the educational department, and I have nothing but respect and thankfulness for the life that they provided me, even if it didn’t always have the shiny bits. In this life, and through my own grief, I have learned that things can coexist. Feelings of grief and happiness for example. I am immensely thankful that I am able to help Jacob on projects like this even when it stirs up bits of my own trauma. I’m so thankful that I learned about the importance of not stressing my child out over silly things. I love(d) my parents ferociously, but I’m so thankful that I love my child differently than I was loved.
I think one of the biggest secrets of being a parent is just how healing the journey can be if you allow it.
Amazing how a science project on matter was such a staunch reminder of what really matters.
When the person you love isn’t there anymore?
When the person you call for back up is gone?
When you reach out but can no longer touch them?
When you ask questions out loud but there is no response back?
When you realize you can’t remember how their voice sounded?
When their scent no longer lingers on the few pieces of their clothing you held onto?
When you remember to change your emergency contact information?
Well what happens is a lot of things. A lot of sadness, a lot of realizations, a lot of growing, a lot of learning.
But most of all a lot of forgiveness. Forgiveness of yourself, of them, of words said and of words unsaid.
What happens is life goes on. It goes on in small ways and in big ways. It goes on in quiet ways, and in loud spectacular ways.
What happens is a piece of you dies with them in that hospital room. So you likely won’t ever feel whole again but you are also ok because you know where that missing piece went.
You’ll still talk to them and the way they respond will be something only you see.
You’ll find comfort in things that once made you uncomfortable.
What happens is you’ll be ok… different but ok 🩷
I can’t help but wonder what she thinks about me. This girl met me when I was in the deepest, darkest, most heartbreaking season of loss in my life thus far. She stood by my side and learned to trust her new family and me as I fell deeper into the depths of loss.
She snuggled me as the tears flowed. She stayed near each time I fell apart. She watched everything.
Over the last two years she has watched as I’ve slowly found my way back to the sunshine. She watched as I clawed my way out of those dark depths. She saw me take my first steps on stable emotional ground. She must see and feel the difference in me.
What I know for sure is her eyes are often on me. She still watches everything I do. She checks in regularly. She boops me with her paw. She lays the weight of her body on mine at least once a day and we bask in the knowledge we are here for each other. Her ability to understand emotion and offer empathy is clear. Her love is pure.
I know we share a strong neurological bond and we are each other’s daily oxytocin dealer but I really wonder what it was like for her watching my sadness lift.
What I know for certain is the universe gave me exactly what I needed when it brought us together after Muffin left. 🐾🩷
And she’s always right…”It wasn’t sexy once it wasn’t forbidden”
10 years
3653 days
That’s how many days you’ve blessed us with the gift of knowing you. The gift of watching you grow and learn. The laughs , the tears, the smart mouth!
Boo bear, Mini McGavin, Captain Sass-pants…. Every day with you is an adventure.
I cannot wrap my head around the fact you turn 10 today. The math isn’t mathing because I’m sure I just had you. I’m sure I just watched you take your first steps, heard your first word. I’m sure I just watched you walk into your first day of school but I blinked and now I watch you navigate life and friendship. I watch from the sidelines as you dominate on the football field. I watch you as you learn the good and bad about this world. I watch every day as you grow a little more and learn a little more.
I am so thankful that through all the tough things you’ve faced you still stay soft and kind. I’m so relieved that you have found your voice and your strength. I hope that you always keep your kindness and your curiosity. I pray you always see the good in things.
I’m so incredibly proud of the 10 year old you’ve become.
You’re not a little kid anymore but you’ll always be my baby boy 🩵 🐻
Yesterday was 2 years without him… I couldn’t even address it yesterday. It was sharp and unbearable to even think about. Sometimes there aren’t words… sometimes you just have to cry alone in a parking lot and listen to the rain on the roof of your truck. Sometimes you just have to pull yourself together and remind yourself that cowgirls don’t cry…. But we do. A lot. 💔
I had the unexpected job of finding a suitable punishment for an event that disappointed me, disgusted me and reminded me how easy it is to be mean to another person when you’re frustrated and sad.
This week in motherhood I had the unfortunate job of explaining to my son that something’s, some friends, some people aren’t worthy of our energy.
This week in motherhood I was reminded that my Momma bear side will burn bridges if they continue to give my baby bear splinters.
This week in motherhood I got to explain to my son that adults often get things wrong. I got to teach him that how adults right their wrongs is in direct relation to the strength of their character. I had to tell him that unfortunately some adults refuse to right their wrongs and their isn’t much you can do in those circumstances except make the best choice for yourself in trusting again.
This week in Motherhood I got to witness my son’s true character shine through as he embraced learning about a differently abled friend and taking part in her birthday celebrations.
This week in motherhood I was intrigued to watch the interactions between cousins after a hard start to the week. So much laughter and fun was found in the aftermath of learning how it feels to hurt and be hurt.
This week in motherhood I found myself so exhausted I had to take multiple mid day naps!
Sometimes we remind each other it’s love.
Life With The McGavins 