Archives

The Things That You’ll Miss….

October 31, 2026… how did that happen???

Last night the kids carved pumpkins. Krista helped set them up on a plastic sheet in their kitchen, and the three of them went to town cutting, gutting, carving. Creating pumpkin masterpieces! I stayed curled on the couch under my warm blanket! I wandered up once to take a picture and tell them how crazy it is that they are all now grown enough to carve their own pumpkins unassisted.

This morning I felt it, though. I felt like I missed out on something, not because I particularly enjoy carving pumpkins, because I don’t! They’re cold and they’re gooey. But because, for a brief moment, my memory took me back to carving pumpkins in that little farmhouse I grew up in.

The house was small, two bedrooms… we used the back door…

When you’d walk in, you were in our entryway, which had a laundry pair on one side with an exposed hot water tank, and a big chest freezer on the other side. Two windows with yellow sheer curtains… When it snowed, if you laid across the laundry pair staring up out of that window, it felt like you were flying through the snow!! My Mom would turn on the dryer so my flight would be warm! If you visited us at Halloween, a pumpkin sat atop the freezer… When you came for Christmas, there was always a small poinsettia where the pumpkin had been.

Hang your coat on the tall golden coat rack… don’t be alarmed when it falls over… it was plastic, ridiculous, and the ’80s were the start of decor looks over function!

That door over there is the bathroom with its full-size antique clawfoot tub. Hand-built white cabinets and an oval mirror. Wicker laundry basket, wicker towel holder, wicker shelf, and a sink that worked 50/50 of the time! But that tub was glorious, and the proximity to the laundry pair meant Mom would often deliver warm-from-the-dryer towels as my bath ended. The smell of Ivory soap on my skin as I wrapped myself in a warm towel was perfection.

Walk through the room and you’re in the kitchen, but first look up to see where my dad hung his keys in the square archway.

He hung them from our old Jolly Jumper hook!

In the corner, a wood-burning stove with a gas oven and burners (which now sounds terrifying), with the big black chimney pipe going into the wall.

Olive green fridge.

Old dining table with the high-back chairs covered in cracked printed vinyl. Lots of browns and yellows… like the forest floor in early November before the snow.

A crystal sugar and cream set on the table on a doily… always full of sugar, but the cream jug held random tiny things my momma found in pockets, on the wicker bathroom shelf, on the floor! Usually a screw, a penny, a paper clip! Nothing of real value, but always be sure to check every now and then because she was known to get mad and dump it all in the garbage!

The only phone in the house, attached to the wall.

Those walls covered in wallpaper that my mom would change out every few years. Always turned out beautiful! She had a knack for wallpapering no one could match, but her mood in the process… watch out!

Two windows with cheery yellow curtains. One of those windows was used as a cat door. Always muddy paw prints on the outside wall as our cats would jump up to come inside. That’s the same window that got smashed one summer afternoon and replaced before my parents ever returned home. That’s one secret Earl and I never did tell them! 

Wood cupboards, upper and lower, along the one wall with a grey Formica countertop and double stainless sink. A coffee pot that seemed to always be full. A microwave (which I’m certain was the first produced 🤣).

The floors were old printed linoleum… also browns and golds. Definitely worse for wear in some spots, but that didn’t stop Mom from getting on her hands and knees to wax them! They always looked their best.

A wood breadbox on the counter, a mail sorter hung on the wall. Don’t rummage through it unless you like the wrath of Carol… it may have looked unorganized, but that was her filing system… Well, that and the papers beside the microwave and behind the breadbox!!

Always a bottle of Sunlight dish soap on the sink board.

Seasonal dish towels hung from the drawer pulls, and her hand-crocheted dishcloths rested over the sink divider. I can’t tell you how many times my brother and I stood in that spot after dinner arguing over who was washing and who was drying. I’d give my left pinky toe to do those dishes today.

Off the left side was a bedroom. Mine at one point, but Earl’s first, and for a brief time as kids we shared it. Small… wood paneling (except that one wall with superhero wallpaper… ever go to sleep with Superwoman and her lasso of truth staring at you?!!), a big window (but not so big Katie couldn’t jump out it….twice), and carpet in a hardwood print. The Donald Duck nightlight was a nice touch. Cozy.

The other doorway led to the living room. It felt giant at the time. But now I know how small it was. Again, brown carpet, I’m sure shag and lush at some point, but worn and soft in my day! I can almost remember the way it smelled.

A wood box TV sitting on the floor in the corner. On top, an old western wagon decor piece and the one remaining Clydesdale horse ornament. I used to stare at that treasure. Once, in a fever-induced delirium, I remember asking my Mom why the cowboys were floating. I still don’t know!

Always on a doily under the wagon… under everything, really. My grandmother made them. I still have some. I still use them, even when they weren’t shabby chic cool. Also a carved, almost muted, dark psychedelic ‘70s candle, like a standing pine cone with its peeled leaves, on top of that TV. A childhood lesson in restraint, I only daydreamed of peeling it to see the colours I’m sure were under there!

Baseboard heaters warmed the house when we weren’t burning wood. I loved to lie in front of the long living room one and put my legs up over top of it. Toasty tush time!

A velvet art painting hung above that heater. Very ‘70s chic decor. An old gristmill waterwheel scene. The paint hard in the soft velvet. The wood frame with its ornate carved notches. I wonder where it ended up. On the other wall hung an old clock with a holographic horse-head sticker. I might have been guilty of that addition, but I’m certain I blamed Earl.

The kind of clock you’d wind up with a key, and it would chime like a wall-hanging version of a grandfather clock. Sometimes I’d convince my brother or my dad to wind it. Tick tock… tick tock… Ding dong!!!

On either side of that clock on the wood-panelled wall was a horse decoration that had been pressed out of metal. I now realize how perfect the patina was on those.

The chimney from the kitchen wood stove caused a box shape in the corner from floor to the cardboard-tiled ceiling. Right in the middle was a round metal plate-type inset. It was there for the chimney sweep. Or Santa’s door, depending on who you asked. We didn’t have a fireplace, and Earl reassured me Santa could pop that out lickety-split, and later progressed to using the door because I was convinced Santa would sizzle to death in that trap!

On the adjacent wall (white wood grain with gold inlay) were two more velvet-framed art pictures, but these two depicted forest nature scenes. My parents were clearly high-end ‘70s art connoisseurs! Those two frames were perfect for Easter egg hiding atop! It never failed, though, every July we’d find a dusty marshmallow egg overlooked in the spring!

In my younger years, that room housed a ‘70s gold sectional with a cubby door that turned into the perfect hidey-hole… somewhere there is a photo of a toddler-sized me in PJs wedged in there, grinning from ear to ear!! On top was a little table, my mom’s bronze deer, and a beautiful amber glass lamp. Later we upgraded to the ‘90s couch with the crazy colour squiggles through it. It wasn’t an upgrade.

The far back and side walls had huge windows at chest height with curtains to the floor. They were always closed. I don’t think we were vampires, but someone definitely had a hate on for natural light. Though one Christmas, my Dad and my brother put Christmas lights in the holly tree outside that window as a surprise for us. That Christmas, in the evening, we opened them a bit! Those lights never came down because I suspect sticking your arms into the holly bush was on no one’s to do list. We lit them every Christmas, chipped and worn until the last one burned out.

There was another clock made of a section of tree stump that hung on the wall. Gold plastic numbers, the type I stumbled on every now and then in the thrift craft section when someone has cleaned out their grandmother craft closet. I don’t remember it ever having a battery in it. Sometimes I would change it to whatever time it was, and for a brief moment it was accurate.

In through that other door was my parents’ room and what felt like the closest thing to fancy we had. Oddly, a huge mirror framed ‘70s art piece of Jesus overlooking heaven hung on the wall… we weren’t religious. It was unsettling and felt oddly judgmental.

That room held the only actual closet in the house. Those top shelves felt like a secret Narnia I couldn’t quite reach. The carpet was teal shag. I remember pretending it was the ocean and a big queen four-poster wood bed was my ship. The room was also wood-panelled with a bed-matching dresser with a huge mirror, matching nightstand, matching highboy dresser… behind that dresser lived our two boxes of Christmas decorations. One box was all the tree decorations, and the other was everything else.

The silver and red garland that hung from corner to corner on the ceiling of the living room… my mom would tack it up in the not-quite-middle because the light was in the way… adorned with red thread-wrapped Christmas balls and two candy canes per section (after the big grocery shop)… the beautiful coffee table had a long square doily, and that flocked candle holder sat in the centre… a candy dish on one side (I remember foil-wrapped Santas, foil-wrapped balls, ribbon candy, red and green jujubes, Smarties, etc.) and a dish of mixed nuts on the other.

In the under-section of the coffee table, on one side stood a big Santa candle and on the other a snowman.

Then there was the tree… always real, and I thought huge… it wasn’t.

We only got the tree for two weeks tops because the combination of a real tree with baseboard heating, a wood-burning stove, and a menopausal mother with a December 27 birthday meant that tree was a ticking time bomb!

Speaking of ticking time bombs, we had this Christmas angel for years that would shed tiny pieces of fiberglass from her wings, and at least once a season my dad or my brother would have to fish one out of my foot while I screamed. She eventually got cremated in the wood stove. I can’t say I was sad to see her go, and of all the things I’ve searched to replace, she never made the list!

We didn’t have a fireplace, so the stockings got tacked up under the pressed-metal wall decorations.

My Christmas colouring did a lot of heavy lifting for the kitchen decor. Stuck to the fridge like my own personal art show.

We didn’t have the seasonal things I do now. No one switched out the bedding or dishes for Christmas versions. No one swapped the towels for holiday motifs in the bathroom. The sheets didn’t whisper “boo” or “Merry Christmas” depending on the calendar date!

Christmas decor was simply the decorations on the coffee table, the ceiling decor, and the tree. But pulling out those two boxes of decor felt like Christmas in a way I haven’t felt in years.

I took those little bits of Christmas I grew up with and exploded them into the way I do things. At my house now, every surface gets Christmas decor… it’s not a candy dish, it’s a candy charcuterie board. The tree stays two months! The flocked candle holder, the wax Santa and snowman, and bits of that tinsel garland still oversee it all. It’s Rockefeller Square to that tiny cottage Christmas… and if I’m being honest… that farmhouse felt more like Christmas with its handful of decor than I’ve ever successfully decked these halls… Of course, I know that’s just my quiet feeling, and Jacob someday will think about the way we did things here and try to recreate the feeling.

…so have yourself a merry little Christmas now…

After the holiday season, a tiny end table with a single drawer replaced the Christmas tree and my tiny green armchair sat there beside the other doorway to what was in reality the front entry room. But in our life, it was my “toy room.” Housed my toys as a kid, then a desk and my whole life of treasures. I spent hours in that drafty 7×5 “room” playing school. That ’70s goldenrod carpet. I loved that room. It was mine.

I’d make seasonal decorations, had my little chalkboard hanging on the door. Chilly in the winter from the gap under the door (which we secured with a board with a V-cut to wedge under the bronze cold metal handle because any skeleton key could unlock it!).

We’d have to stuff a towel under the door to keep the cold out and prevent my papers from moulding. Realizing now how frustrating that must have been for my mom, but to me it was just normal…

When I entered high school, my mom put in new carpet and wallpaper with maps of the world on it. I don’t remember much of those teenage years other than homework in that room, but my soul remembers the window on either wall. I can still remember how I didn’t like to go in there at night if the blinds were up.

What was I hiding from? Because this morning at 5 am I stood topless in front of my living room window, sipping coffee and drinking in the quiet of the still-dark new day, like I do so often.

I hardly ever close those blinds.

Happy Birthday….

Hi Dad,

Today marks 3 years since you’ve been gone and honestly that day still feels like yesterday. Don’t get me wrong I’ve “moved on” like you always demanded but the 19 day period of January between your birthday and the day you left sits heavily on my chest each year. It’s hard to breathe, it’s hard to find the willingness to go about my day. Honestly it’s the darkest two weeks of my year. Maybe in time I’ll find a way to lighten it but for now I still let myself feel it. I sit with it quietly and drink a lot of coffee like you would have.

I think of you every day and frequently tell the boys how you would react to their hilariousness… that’s my nice way of saying stupidity! We talk about you a lot. They miss you. We all miss you. You’d be so proud of all of them. I sometimes picture you tossing the football with Jacob and enjoying hockey with Ej. I sometimes close my eyes and see you on the couch with Ella and Emma cuddled on either side. This is how I see you in my heart… love and happiness surround you.

I keep these moments by and by because it’s the only way I keep my missing you from crushing my chest the other days of the year.

Sometimes I catch you out of the corner of my eye. In the hallway, in the kitchen, in the yard. I know you hang around the house. Please don’t ever stop visiting. The driveway alarm lets me know.

Love you always,

Sugarbear

I met my younger self for coffee today…

We both showed up 10 minutes early.

She showed up in the passenger seat of our best friend’s car while I showed up alone in a full size Chevy Silverado that I backed into a parking spot. She looked confused but beautiful! I let her know that that particular driving skill terrified us for years and we would once go 3 entire years without driving because of anxiety and fear. Until one day we just said fuck it and did the scary thing! That at 39 years old we’d learn how to really drive with confidence and learn how to back up!

She questioned why I was out alone and I told her that I enjoy being alone sometimes. That I still love being with our friends but I frequently go shopping, for walks, coffee and to the gym alone. She asked if Katie and I were still friends and I told her yes of course! Our kids are friends too and her daughters call our husband Uncle Sasquatch! Baby Katie passed out on the spot!

We ordered our coffee and she side eyed me when I didn’t order fat free milk. I told her that I preferred the flavor of full fat dairy and the extra calories aren’t significant. She sighed in her size 8 lululemons and said “I guess we never lose the weight huh?” I tell her actually we did… we got to goal weight and it did not change how we felt about ourself! I told her at goal weight our body failed and we became the sickest we’d ever been. I told her about the debilitating hip pain, vomiting and the chronic hives. How we almost died during pregnancy from malnutrition…. But then I told her that while running a half marathon at 6 months postpartum I decided the amount of space my body took up on this earth was no longer going to be my constant focus. That yes I’d like to live in a smaller body but starving myself was no longer an option to achieve that. Unfortunately an autoimmune disease would predominantly decided our body shape and size and eventually we’d realized that a functioning pain free body was more important than a small body. I reassured her that we’d do the work and find our self worth and learn to love ourselves for who we are and not the size of our body!

When we went to our table her eyes grew wide as I took off my jacket. “Are those tattoos!?!?” Yes 12 of them! She gasped and I laughed. “I guess with all those you don’t talk to Dad anymore?” I told her not for a few years anyways… Not since he died shortly after mom passed away. She choked back a tear “but were still so young and they are dead”… yes sweet girl they died before we even got our stride as a real grown up but don’t worry we did our absolute best by them. We provided care in their last years and held their hands as they left this world. She stared quietly out the window trying to grasp that news.

She watched as I stood up and warmly embraced a tall well dressed man that had come through the door… “is that our husband? What happened to Shane!!” No sweet girl that’s not our husband, that’s one of our best friends! That particular man will teach you a very important lesson about truly knowing people, trusting your gut and forming your own opinions based on your truths!! It’s very important you double down and embrace that relationship and learning!

As for our husband… it’s not Shane either! We still love Shane…and talk weekly! Our kids are friends too! Our husband tho is the magic … he is a big stoic, husky bearded hunk who lets us away with far too much nonsense but offers us the utmost protection and safety. He is an amazing father and our rock! He lets us hide when the world gets too loud. He’s the kind of man that lets the big hound dog sit at the dinner table only because it makes us happy! He’s not your type…. He’s my type! You’ll understand eventually!

She giggled then sipped her low calorie fat free iced coffee and asked “you keep mentioning a child! I thought we didn’t want kids!” Well they originally told us it was unlikely we’d conceive but the universe had other plans and we have one son and he’s the most amazing gift we have in this life! Tho buckle up buttercup because he’s got your sass and personality! Motherhood is an adventure we didn’t plan for or see coming but don’t worry we’re kinda awesome at it!

She sat quietly for a long time and then asked “Nothing seems to have gone according to my plans…our teaching career must of! Right!?”

Nope! We did not pursue teaching… Psychology actually then nursing. Your life’s work will be providing comfort and support while caring for others but please remember to rest, trust your gut and care for yourself in the process. An awful, scary life event will almost take you out of your line of work and it’s imperative you fight through the darkness because another family needs you years after that assult and they become like family to you.

She sat quietly trying to absorb it all. Before leaving we embraced and she whispered “I think I’ll like being you!”

I held her close and reminded her not to rush it, enjoy every stage of this life, even when it seems unconventional because she’s going to meet her other two best friends… one at work and one because you’ll date her future husband!! I told her the secret that it all goes by faster than you can even grasp. I warned her there would be seasons of profound darkness and she’d almost give up but it’s important to know the deep darkness clears and things are beautiful. Life will never be perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.

I told her she would always feel everything. The whole of the good the heaviness of the bad. That our entire life we’d love so many people in so many ways. That we’d feel love on so many levels. I told her to make sure those people know she loves them. Don’t ever hide it. The love matters. Some would stay a life time and some would stay a season.

I made her promise to find her voice, find her confidence, use her voice and experience life as it comes!

Without You

Yesterday was 2 years without him… I couldn’t even address it yesterday. It was sharp and unbearable to even think about. Sometimes there aren’t words… sometimes you just have to cry alone in a parking lot and listen to the rain on the roof of your truck. Sometimes you just have to pull yourself together and remind yourself that cowgirls don’t cry…. But we do. A lot. 💔

Thinking About You….

A quiet breakfast alone on what would have been Dad’s 79th Birthday. My main reflection is how thankful I am for all those mornings he sat across from me and we had breakfast together. In the last two years those breakfasts were always his best moments of the day. Our breakfast conversations always had moments and meaning I will treasure forever. Even tho those two years were the absolute hardest of both of our lives I’m so thankful he was here at home with us. I’m so thankful for all those quiet breakfasts together. Happy heavenly Birthday Dad!

On Grief….

The idea of loss and grief is something we learn about at a very young age but it’s something I’m not sure we ever fully understand at any age. Before I lost my parents I experienced all kinds of grief. Starting from a young age losing pets. I remember feeling extreme sadness as a child when I learned my friend who lived across the street every summer had lost her mother in a car accident. I remember the sadness and the confusion as a seven year old when my grandfather passed and again as a teen losing my much loved uncle to suicide.

I didn’t think I was a stranger to grief. Hell I took an entire unit in university on dying, death and grieving. What I failed to realize until this week was the dynamic effects of grief. The way it would be tangible. I didn’t realize I’d taste it, smell it, feel it physically. I never thought about the fact I would hold my grief in my hands., I never realized my grief would become not only a feeling but an emotion that would take over in even the most mundane and obscure moments.

My grief has found its way into the very back of my memory card catalog so to speak. Surfacing memories I didn’t even realize I held. The way my Mom would quietly tiptoe around the cabin on summer vacation to make a pot of coffee and toast. She needed her coffee but didn’t want to wake the rest of us so early. The way the mixture of fresh coffee and cigarette smoke was my normal morning scent greeting at home and at the cabin. The way she’d always tuck one leg under her and pull her other knee up to her chest and stretch her nightshirt around her legs as she sipped her coffee and smoked her morning cigarette. This morning I tiptoed through the cabin to make myself toast and sat at the table listening to my little family snore. I imagine that’s exactly the sound she was listening to all those mornings.

When my brother opened my Dad’s fishing tackle box a couple weeks ago I was instantly transported back to standing on the shore of Dry lake. The smell of that tackle box is a lifetime of memories. It’s tangible and I can touch it, smell it. It’s a literal box of memories and grief. It’s bittersweet.

Yesterday at the Bridge-lake fair I caught myself frozen, staring at a piece of lemon meringue pie that if I didn’t know better thought my momma had made. It’s moments like that no one warns you about. No one told me a hunk of pie was going to punch me in the gut one sunny summer Sunday afternoon. No one told me a day later I’d regret not having eaten the pie to see if it was anything like the ones I spent my childhood enjoying. No one talks about these moments but I think they are normal. I doubt I’m alone in these experiences. Obviously everyone’s grief is different but in my circles no one really talks about it at all. Why are we weathering this alone?

I hear my parents voice in my head sometimes. Standing in front of a rustic miners cabin at 108 ranch I heard my Dad chuckle and announce “there’s a little shanty I could afford!!”. Without hesitation I glanced around knowing he wasn’t there but having to reassure myself this wasn’t all a bad dream and maybe he was there with us.

I heard my Moms voice urging Jacob “No deeper” as he swam in the crystal clear waters of Green lake. I heard her laughter every time I saw a chipmunk steal a nut and run as fast as his little legs could carry him. I felt her presence every time a dragon fly shared a moment with us in the past 10 days. I know physically they are gone but memory and grief are powerful things.

I didn’t expect to quietly cry as often as I do.

I didn’t expect it to be like this.

This isn’t the grief I expected.

We Keep This Love In A Photograph ….

Today was the day… a day we’ve talked about for months. A day we feared, a day we knew we needed. Today was the day we gathered with friends and family and said our goodbyes to my parents. We celebrated their lives, ate their favourite food, hugged, laughed, cried, reflected, and were reminded that life is a gift and you only have a short time to enjoy it. Eat the damn cake. Smile at the flowers, love your people.

I couldn’t of got through today (the past few years actually) without a handful of amazing friends and the most dedicated husband ever ❤️ I am so incredibly thankful for my people and my dog!

The following are the words I shared at today’s celebration of life…if you do nothing else today make sure you hug your loved ones and let them know what they mean to you.

All the love we won’t ever forget…

I’d like to thank you all for being here with us on this beautiful summer day. This is exactly the kind of day Mom and Dad would of loved to have a yard full of people, Mom would happily get out a spread of crackers meat, cheese, pickled beets and Dad would direct one of us kids to get up a pot of coffee! So that’s what we are going to do in their honour today! We are here to celebrate their lives, their love, the memories and some of their favourite foods. But first I’d like to share a few words to my parents.

How do I condense a lifetime into a few minute speech? How do I condense 2 lifetimes into the same speech?

I don’t know but like my Momna and very unlike my Dad I’m wordy as heck so I’m gonna do my best!

To my Mother …. You were the most tenacious, driven, independent force I’ve ever known. You lived your life with dedication to those you loved. You had a big heart, a big voice and a big personality that didn’t match your tiny stature. I often thought your boldness and lack of fear was to combat your small size. But your bold fearless nature was what made you you. You were unshakable. You taught me that you could do anything you put your mind to. That I could do anything I put my mind to. You taught me to see things through to the end even if it was easier to quit or walk away. Finish what you start. Dust yourself off later. You taught me that it was okay to talk to strangers because strangers become friends. You taught me it was ok to stand up for myself. You taught me to use the best four letter words efficiently and You taught me to eat the damn cake. You taught me to live while I’ve got the chance.

I know so many of you hold amazing stories about my mothers antics. Like her wild ability to fix a broken down blazer in the parking lot of my elementary school as other Mom’s looked on both equally horrified and impressed. I know many of you remember her sending you home from a visit with bags of produce from her and Dads gardens! With jars of homemade jam, those Mile high apple pies, the magnificent lemon meringue pies she could make like no one else. Most of you at one time or another sat across the table from Carol and sipped coffee with her, smoked a cigarette with her. Answered a call from her to be greeted with “what ya doing?” You all Listen to her gush endlessly about her Grand babies. She loved being a grandma. She loved ferociously actually. Her whole life. She was loving and dedicated, stubborn and strong. That’s who she was … she was sassy, bold, love.

While my Mother was in fact a nonstop talker my Dad was not a man of many words. But my god he knew how to use those words when he wanted to!

To my Father…I always knew I’d be lost without you and as the end drew near earlier this year my heart broke before you even left us. I knew I’d have to spend the rest of my life using what you taught me just to get through it. From you Dad I learned the value of silence, I learned the importance of going for walks, you taught me the solace in spending time alone. From you I learned when to keep my mouth shut and I learned when it was worth telling somebody off to be sure to tell them all the way off!!! From you I learned the value of a witty one liner.

You were the embodiment of hard work. Your hands were never idle. You provided for our family and we’re always there to pick me up when I did something stupid. I still remember you running down the street when you realized the crash you heard was me rear ending a street cleaner (yes a street cleaner) a block from home. I remember you made sure I was ok and then an hour later you tossed me the keys to your van and made me get back on the proverbial horse and go driving. You were not a man who settled for mediocre in anything you did and you surely didn’t raise us to be mediocre. You taught us to always turn around and help the next person in line.

You’d help anyone who needed it. You didn’t ask for anything in return. I grew up watching you run towards car accidents to help strangers. You’d always pull over to see if you could help. You’d always offer up a few dollars in gas to get a stranded stranger back on the road. Acts of service were how you shared your love. In an emergency look for the helpers, be a helper that’s what you taught me because that’s who you were. You were an amazing helper, you were a giver, you were a quiet, dedicated hard worker. You were a great Dad and the most attentive Grandfather.

Together my parents taught me that life and love is tumultuous. They taught me that marriage is a commitment and it is work. They taught me to ride and not worry about the fall. They taught me to pick myself up and always help pick others up when they need it.

They were dedicated to a life together and when mom left us we saw exactly how strong that need to be together was. Dad was lost without her. He never stopped looking for her in that year apart. Even tho my heart is broken they are both gone I’m so incredibly thankful they are together again. I can just picture her smothering him with a kiss and him announcing “leave me alone!” But we all know he secretly loved every second of her love.

They were your friend, your family, your brother, your sister, they were dedicated, attentive parents and amazing Grandparents.

Here’s to two lives lived with dedication and love and to the solace that they are together in this eternity.

Thank you

In The Quiet Moments…

When the tears fall without warning and the salty taste engulfs your entire being… When you quickly try to shoo those feelings away or stop those feelings in their tracks… Take a deep breath and just let them be for a minute. Those tears are likely unspoken words, long forgotten moments and just a little reminder of the life you’re living and the one(s) you’re grieving.

Remember there are no rules on being sad, no playbook for grief. No timeline. The reality of life is that one day you’re here and one day you’re not. Life is going to pass us all by one day at a time and our only job is live it. Live it in a way that brings you joy. Soak in whatever moments bring you happiness. Spend your hours with the people who make you feel. Yes the ones who make you feel!!! Feel content, safe, wild, alive! The ones who help make you feel like your best self! The ones who help bring out your passion, Those ones are the magic! You’re somebody’s magic and might not even know it!

Remember though you’re going to feel the hard feelings often enough. There is simply no escaping those either. Don’t waste too much time on trying to figure out what life is all about. I think if you’re busy focusing all your energy on finding the reason, trying to find the secret of life then you’re missing the journey. And friends… I think the secret to life is the journey.

As my Momma taught me… eat the cake! Sit down to drink your coffee and find reason to celebrate even the most mundane of Mondays!

There You’ll Be

You know what I realized sitting here a little battered and tired today? I realized that no one prepared me for any of this. No one prepared me to lose both my parents and my dog in the span of a year. No one ever could of prepared me for that.

No one told me how hard I’d have to advocate for my parents for 2 years before they left us. No one told me about the feelings I’d experience. The frustration, the sadness, the sorrow.

No one prepared me for this surgery. I didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t even really know what to expect despite years in the medical field.

No one has prepared me for any of this but here I am…. A little battered, a little bruised. I’ve lost some pieces of myself along the way and found a few other pieces. But here I am… still holding it together and that’s pretty damn impressive!

Close Your Eyes, Count To Ten…Hope It’s All A Little Better When You Open Them.

Someone once said to me that grief might be easier to live with if we don’t look at it as a bad thing. Maybe if we embrace it and think of it as the way our brain is expressing love we never got to share. It will always hurt but maybe grief is there to remind us that we still love. It’s there to remind us our broken heat still feels.

Cowgirl don’t cry…