I’ve got a lot I should update about but I’m not ready. I’m sad and grief is absolutely unmapped territory.
So instead I’ll share some photos from today. Our day was quiet but productive. We got groceries, I hugged a friend, I drank coffee sitting down, I left the house, I ate yummy food, I wore my festive pants and I felt all the feels. A friend dropped off lovely flowers and fun Rae Dunn things to cheer me up. I thought a lot about my friends who are checking in and showing up. It means the world to me.
But I saw something today that really slapped me in the face and got my attention!! Now I’m sharing it with you because it’s so important and no one tells you this!!!! Don’t put your well-being at risk to avoid making a scene or hurting someone’s feelings!! This goes for all the things listed below but also for friendships, jobs, marriages, family dinners, appointments, etc!! If something is making you uncomfortable you don’t owe it to anybody to stay there and suffer!!!
I think this resonates with me so deeply for a number of reasons but especially because of how long I stayed working for an abusive employer because I felt I had too!! I was raised to believe you don’t quit and now thanks to life experience and therapy I know it’s ok to quit! It’s ok to put myself first! It’s ok to walk away!!!
It’s funny writing this today after coming home from my shift at my new job which I absolutely love. I think about what I worked through at my last job and feel so incredibly grateful to now be working for a family who values me as nurse, as a caregiver, and most importantly as a person!
When I left my last job I truly didn’t know if I’d ever return to nursing but after a long hiatus involving therapy, self discovery, self love, and healing I’m so thankful to have found a job in the field I love that reminds me why I went into health care in the first place. I’m so thankful to have found a family to help that truly is thankful for my help.
I now know it’s ok to leave when you don’t feel right about a situation. It’s ok to leave when you aren’t being respected, it’s okay to walk away. You don’t owe your well being to anyone except you!!
This morning I crawled out of my warm bed to take Muffin out to pee. I was hit with cold air upon opening the door! Cold air I haven’t felt since early last spring! I rushed Muff along and upon returning inside took a moment to crawl into bed beside Jacob. His barely awake warm self instantly embraced me and we cuddled for a solid 10 minutes before going about our regular before school routine. Now as I sit here reflecting on the morning I realize how much those ten minutes changed my day. They made me feel loved and relaxed and that put me in a great mood. I had more patience with my parents this morning and generally find myself less stressed!!
I hope our cuddle had the same effect on his day and I hope he never outgrows Momma cuddles! ❤️
The passing of time is a cruel reminder that life is only so many seasons long. I’m sitting here this morning trying to figure out where the Summer went.
I’m thankful we got to spend time as a family making memories. As I look towards the approaching Fall I have an extremely strong grasp on what’s important to me while everything else seems to be spiralling out of control around me.
With that being said, honestly im exhausted. We are about to start down a brand new path of a child in school learning, a husband with a permanent injury attempting to go back to work, and continuing to weather the storm of aging parents.
Every time I think I’ve caught my breath something seems to push be back under the wave I’m trying not to drown in. I think I’m tired of trying to fill that void.
Let’s be real here…. Clearly this year I haven’t stuck to the Thankful Thursday posts this year. It’s one more thing that has fallen to the wayside due in major part to the massive changes in my life. Why when I type that does it sound like such a cop-out? I think because I’m still trying to learn to cope with the changes. Learning to navigate.
Obviously the project didn’t go according to plan! I haven’t done one of the Thankful Thursday posts in a couple months. Those of you who know me in real life probably already know the reason for that! It’s not because I’m not finding things to be thankful for but because my life has been absolutely full of change. Massive changes that required my full attention and presence. In early January I learned my parents sold their home. It blindsided all of us because the house wasn’t listed for sale. They never told us they planned to do this. They just did it. Now I’m not going to go into a lot of personal detail here but know my parents are both heading towards 80 and we knew right away the best case scenario was for them was to move in with us. It would make things “easier” for us to be able to provide them care as required with them in our home. Things have been tough since covid hit. We found ourselves trying to maintain helping them as needed but also trying to maintain the required distance as required by local laws a d for safety sake of all involved. It was a lot and often didn’t work as well as we needed to.
It was a few months of organizing, purging, cleaning, packing, but mostly reassuring, talking, explaining, and trying to process my own feelings while trying to support my parents as their entire world changed.
It’s been 3 months now and it’s safe to say the honeymoon is over and real life slapped me in the face like a barn door in a wind storm. I’m doing my best to try to achieve that balance of keeping my little core families needs met by prioritizing time with just the three of us. Sometimes it’s easier than others but we did get in a trip up to Hundred mile for a week on the lake! We also got to escape to the island for a week to visit with Kevin’s family. Both were much needed. I’m also trying to maintain my own small space for my needs while being hugely responsible for the needs of my parents.
I find myself waffling between wanting to use this as my space to write about the trials and tribulations of caring for my aging parents, a place to scream about the horrors and hurt caused by dementia and memory loss. A place to word vomit it all out! At the same time I find myself a bit fearful and confused. I guess I’m torn between knowing what I need for my brain to process all this and also knowing that some family members read this and being very aware that reading about some of this on a public internet blog might not sit well. Well… I guess this is my official content warning…. I might blog about things you don’t agree with. You don’t have to be here. I hope you stay and can be supportive but nothing is forcing you to continue reading.
It’s interesting to me that I find myself posting any sort of warning to someone who really only follows along for information. To a person(s) who doesn’t actually offer any support or advice or even any genuine care. So before you pass your unwelcome, unneeded, unrequested judgement on my posts, my life, or how I choose to process this part of my journey please ask yourself this, are you actually part of my life? Like really part of my life or just a “Facebook friend” ? Please know my heart is not closed to any of you but also know I won’t wait by the front gate for any of you to maybe drop by. I will however always answer my phone and my door to respectful relationships with all of you!
Not everyone is going to like this…. but here it is…. Your mental health and well-being are more important than your job, than your career. More important than your deadlines, your to do list. Bigger than that event you said you’d attend. More important than your size. Bigger than money. More important than other people’s moods. If taking care of your mental health means letting someone else down than let them down. You’re mental health is more important than other people’s opinions of you. Its more important than status. You cannot be successful unless you take care of your own needs. Expressing your emotions and feelings is not a sign of weakness. Doing your best doesn’t mean pleasing all the people all the time. Do the things you need to do for your own well-being. You’re more of an asset to your family when you treat yourself with the love and respect you need and deserve. Fill your own cup and love yourself ❤️
Ten weeks of 2021 have come and gone. As I age I really realize how quickly time moves and somedays it’s really hard to swallow.
Speaking of time, Yesterday was a busy day!! The first half was all about hurry up and wait! I had to wait for the sourdough bread to do its thing so I could get it baked and out the door to 2 friends! It’s kinda neat to know something I create is being used to create a meal for another family to have dinner tonight! Covid may mean we can’t be together but we can stay connected!
The rest of the day was errands and groceries! I really enjoyed getting out of the house, even if was just for groceries. Kevin took me to my favourite local market (Ralph’s) and to Homesense! We went to Costco and he stopped and got me some Apple AirPods because the noise canceling function was recommended to me to help my mental health! I desperately need quiet to function and feel whole.
I’m very thankful I’ve got a husband who makes me take advice that may help me despite the cost.
Muffin would like you to know she’s extremely thankful for guacamole 🤣 This pup begged for guacamole and chips for an hour last night! She made me laugh!
I’ve had a love of reading from as far back as I can remember! The smell of a freshly cracked book is pure magic. The softness of magazines pages is relaxing bliss! Wandering a book store is pure joy for me!! Don’t even get me started on how walking into a Scholastic book fair felt as a child!
I love taking J to bookstores and just embracing the magic! Just browsing with no particular book in mind, finding what feels right.
This week we visited Chapters and each got a new book and a journal! (His gratitude journal came from amazon). I’m so excited to introduce Jacob to journaling and the act of acknowledging gratitude! Obviously if you’re here reading this you know about my Thankful Thursday posts and honestly thru truly serve as a great activity to refocus my week. Doing these posts has made me realize that practicing gratitude and journaling doesn’t have to take hours but it truly is beneficial!
I challenge everyone to take a week or a month and actively practice gratitude and make note of what brings you joy!
The vintage valentines simply made me smile,reminisce and brought me joy! We are going to mail Valentine’s to a few friends and family to hopefully spread happiness! While we were at the mall anyways we snuck into Purdys and got a beautiful heart box of chocolates filled will all our family favourites!
I’m truly thankful for our family outing to a few stores today. Given the Covid situation we haven’t been going into stores much and definitely not taking Jacob but today was an exception because he needed new clothes and I had no clue what size to buy him! It was so nice to feel normal for a couple hours.
Hi friends! Hope everyone is having a good week. I’m doing well. I’m extremely thankful to report I’ve started going to counselling again! I’ve spoken before about how I truly believe everyone should have a therapist! Someone to talk to and receive feedback and ideas on direction from! Going to therapy after Jacob was born made me realize my own value. It was probably the single best thing I did for myself during that time!
Fast forward to today and honestly the past few months, I’ve noticed my anxiety is much worse and my mental health is foggy at best. I’m increasingly irritable and I truly just don’t feel like my best self. One night a few weeks ago while unable to sleep because I couldn’t shut my brain off I sent an email to a local counselling program and was thrilled to be accepted. I started sessions this past Monday and I’m so grateful to be able to do so.
In full disclosure I should admit that on Monday I seriously considered canceling. Just a mix of nervousness, anxiety, etc. I posted the below statement on Instagram and was absolutely blown away by the number of people who reached out to me in support and with their own stories! Sometimes the internet and the connections with complete strangers is amazing. We really are all in this together and while we all have our own stories and own paths it doesn’t hurt to share our stories. Human connection is so vital to our wellbeing and o think we often forget or avoid it!
Wanna know what a good “resolution” is for 2021?!?! Supporting local and small businesses!
If you’re local and want to have the best sourdough and the best scones I’ve ever tasted check out Sweet little bake shop on Instagram! The double chocolate scones are what chocolate dreams are made of!!! Pure bliss!!
I’m very thankful for the online friendships and support I’ve found in other Mom’s and I love supporting them when we can! The above photos are our order from Sweet little bake shop yesterday and were absolutely delicious!
It’s hard not to be thankful with a paw full of chocolate deliciousness!