I can’t help but wonder what she thinks about me. This girl met me when I was in the deepest, darkest, most heartbreaking season of loss in my life thus far. She stood by my side and learned to trust her new family and me as I fell deeper into the depths of loss.
She snuggled me as the tears flowed. She stayed near each time I fell apart. She watched everything.
Over the last two years she has watched as I’ve slowly found my way back to the sunshine. She watched as I clawed my way out of those dark depths. She saw me take my first steps on stable emotional ground. She must see and feel the difference in me.
What I know for sure is her eyes are often on me. She still watches everything I do. She checks in regularly. She boops me with her paw. She lays the weight of her body on mine at least once a day and we bask in the knowledge we are here for each other. Her ability to understand emotion and offer empathy is clear. Her love is pure.
I know we share a strong neurological bond and we are each other’s daily oxytocin dealer but I really wonder what it was like for her watching my sadness lift.
What I know for certain is the universe gave me exactly what I needed when it brought us together after Muffin left. 🐾🩷
Yesterday was 2 years without him… I couldn’t even address it yesterday. It was sharp and unbearable to even think about. Sometimes there aren’t words… sometimes you just have to cry alone in a parking lot and listen to the rain on the roof of your truck. Sometimes you just have to pull yourself together and remind yourself that cowgirls don’t cry…. But we do. A lot. 💔
A quiet breakfast alone on what would have been Dad’s 79th Birthday. My main reflection is how thankful I am for all those mornings he sat across from me and we had breakfast together. In the last two years those breakfasts were always his best moments of the day. Our breakfast conversations always had moments and meaning I will treasure forever. Even tho those two years were the absolute hardest of both of our lives I’m so thankful he was here at home with us. I’m so thankful for all those quiet breakfasts together. Happy heavenly Birthday Dad!
Today was the day… a day we’ve talked about for months. A day we feared, a day we knew we needed. Today was the day we gathered with friends and family and said our goodbyes to my parents. We celebrated their lives, ate their favourite food, hugged, laughed, cried, reflected, and were reminded that life is a gift and you only have a short time to enjoy it. Eat the damn cake. Smile at the flowers, love your people.
I couldn’t of got through today (the past few years actually) without a handful of amazing friends and the most dedicated husband ever ❤️ I am so incredibly thankful for my people and my dog!
The following are the words I shared at today’s celebration of life…if you do nothing else today make sure you hug your loved ones and let them know what they mean to you.
All the love we won’t ever forget…
I’d like to thank you all for being here with us on this beautiful summer day. This is exactly the kind of day Mom and Dad would of loved to have a yard full of people, Mom would happily get out a spread of crackers meat, cheese, pickled beets and Dad would direct one of us kids to get up a pot of coffee! So that’s what we are going to do in their honour today! We are here to celebrate their lives, their love, the memories and some of their favourite foods. But first I’d like to share a few words to my parents.
How do I condense a lifetime into a few minute speech? How do I condense 2 lifetimes into the same speech?
I don’t know but like my Momna and very unlike my Dad I’m wordy as heck so I’m gonna do my best!
To my Mother …. You were the most tenacious, driven, independent force I’ve ever known. You lived your life with dedication to those you loved. You had a big heart, a big voice and a big personality that didn’t match your tiny stature. I often thought your boldness and lack of fear was to combat your small size. But your bold fearless nature was what made you you. You were unshakable. You taught me that you could do anything you put your mind to. That I could do anything I put my mind to. You taught me to see things through to the end even if it was easier to quit or walk away. Finish what you start. Dust yourself off later. You taught me that it was okay to talk to strangers because strangers become friends. You taught me it was ok to stand up for myself. You taught me to use the best four letter words efficiently and You taught me to eat the damn cake. You taught me to live while I’ve got the chance.
I know so many of you hold amazing stories about my mothers antics. Like her wild ability to fix a broken down blazer in the parking lot of my elementary school as other Mom’s looked on both equally horrified and impressed. I know many of you remember her sending you home from a visit with bags of produce from her and Dads gardens! With jars of homemade jam, those Mile high apple pies, the magnificent lemon meringue pies she could make like no one else. Most of you at one time or another sat across the table from Carol and sipped coffee with her, smoked a cigarette with her. Answered a call from her to be greeted with “what ya doing?” You all Listen to her gush endlessly about her Grand babies. She loved being a grandma. She loved ferociously actually. Her whole life. She was loving and dedicated, stubborn and strong. That’s who she was … she was sassy, bold, love.
While my Mother was in fact a nonstop talker my Dad was not a man of many words. But my god he knew how to use those words when he wanted to!
To my Father…I always knew I’d be lost without you and as the end drew near earlier this year my heart broke before you even left us. I knew I’d have to spend the rest of my life using what you taught me just to get through it. From you Dad I learned the value of silence, I learned the importance of going for walks, you taught me the solace in spending time alone. From you I learned when to keep my mouth shut and I learned when it was worth telling somebody off to be sure to tell them all the way off!!! From you I learned the value of a witty one liner.
You were the embodiment of hard work. Your hands were never idle. You provided for our family and we’re always there to pick me up when I did something stupid. I still remember you running down the street when you realized the crash you heard was me rear ending a street cleaner (yes a street cleaner) a block from home. I remember you made sure I was ok and then an hour later you tossed me the keys to your van and made me get back on the proverbial horse and go driving. You were not a man who settled for mediocre in anything you did and you surely didn’t raise us to be mediocre. You taught us to always turn around and help the next person in line.
You’d help anyone who needed it. You didn’t ask for anything in return. I grew up watching you run towards car accidents to help strangers. You’d always pull over to see if you could help. You’d always offer up a few dollars in gas to get a stranded stranger back on the road. Acts of service were how you shared your love. In an emergency look for the helpers, be a helper that’s what you taught me because that’s who you were. You were an amazing helper, you were a giver, you were a quiet, dedicated hard worker. You were a great Dad and the most attentive Grandfather.
Together my parents taught me that life and love is tumultuous. They taught me that marriage is a commitment and it is work. They taught me to ride and not worry about the fall. They taught me to pick myself up and always help pick others up when they need it.
They were dedicated to a life together and when mom left us we saw exactly how strong that need to be together was. Dad was lost without her. He never stopped looking for her in that year apart. Even tho my heart is broken they are both gone I’m so incredibly thankful they are together again. I can just picture her smothering him with a kiss and him announcing “leave me alone!” But we all know he secretly loved every second of her love.
They were your friend, your family, your brother, your sister, they were dedicated, attentive parents and amazing Grandparents.
Here’s to two lives lived with dedication and love and to the solace that they are together in this eternity.
When the tears fall without warning and the salty taste engulfs your entire being… When you quickly try to shoo those feelings away or stop those feelings in their tracks… Take a deep breath and just let them be for a minute. Those tears are likely unspoken words, long forgotten moments and just a little reminder of the life you’re living and the one(s) you’re grieving.
Remember there are no rules on being sad, no playbook for grief. No timeline. The reality of life is that one day you’re here and one day you’re not. Life is going to pass us all by one day at a time and our only job is live it. Live it in a way that brings you joy. Soak in whatever moments bring you happiness. Spend your hours with the people who make you feel. Yes the ones who make you feel!!! Feel content, safe, wild, alive! The ones who help make you feel like your best self! The ones who help bring out your passion, Those ones are the magic! You’re somebody’s magic and might not even know it!
Remember though you’re going to feel the hard feelings often enough. There is simply no escaping those either. Don’t waste too much time on trying to figure out what life is all about. I think if you’re busy focusing all your energy on finding the reason, trying to find the secret of life then you’re missing the journey. And friends… I think the secret to life is the journey.
As my Momma taught me… eat the cake! Sit down to drink your coffee and find reason to celebrate even the most mundane of Mondays!
Someone once said to me that grief might be easier to live with if we don’t look at it as a bad thing. Maybe if we embrace it and think of it as the way our brain is expressing love we never got to share. It will always hurt but maybe grief is there to remind us that we still love. It’s there to remind us our broken heat still feels.
We’re lost again but this time there were no surprises. Just closed eyes and more disappointment.
They say don’t blink because you might miss it all. I’m really starting to understand just how fast life really does go. Everyday those memories get a little blurrier around the edges. Those things that are here today could be gone tomorrow. We have to keep smiling even when our eyes are full of tears.
At some point I realized I simply can’t go home anymore because that place doesn’t exist any longer. At least not in a physical sense. I’ve realized that all this time I’ve been desperately trying to find the pieces to put myself back together but the world keeps chipping off hunks of me through life and loss. I don’t think I can ever be put back together in the sense I was looking for because nothing ever stays the same. In realizing that I also realized because of that everything stays the same on a different parallel line. For a brief moment I felt like maybe I’d stumbled upon the secret of life. Everything changes but nothing really changes. Everything stays the same in a way. We just keep going. We just keep holding on.
Almost a whole year of the saddest most heart wrenching alone feeling I’ve ever felt.
A year of trying to find the light, of finding the littlest moments to help get me by.
A year of realizing the things you thought you wouldn’t miss are the things you miss the most.
A year of holding on to the fact that it can’t be this way forever. All these sorrows and troubles will someday find a way of settling into dust. The realization that sometimes you have wait out the blizzard and try your best not to freeze.
Life With The McGavins 