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Popcorn and Parenting…

May8

Today I spent the majority of the day working with Jacob on his science project!

This project was such a solid reminder to me how different my child’s childhood is than mine was.

This little science project was originally due last Thursday and I had asked Jacob’s teacher for an extension due to the sadness and grieving we all were experiencing last week with the loss of Gill.

Looking over the past week never once was my child stressed because this project wasn’t being done, never once was he stressed because it was late never once was he concerned or had any anxiety over this project!

Never once did I yell at him or raise my voice to him, even though I have spent the last week and a bit stressing over his project and overthinking it and over analyzing it.

When I look at the finished product that we created, it reminds me of the visions I had in my head as a child for my own science projects. Ones I was never able to create to a level I was proud of. Never was I able to create what I envisioned because I was never good at making bubble letters by hand and I never had all of the bits and pieces nor would anyone take me to the dollar store to acquire those bits and pieces. There was not extra money for things to make my science project look pretty. When I was a kid, we had what we needed. There were always lots of groceries. The house was always warm. We always had clothes and shoes. Our needs were always more than met but the shiny bits and pieces were often what we went without. But you know what that was OK we did just fine without the shiny bits.

Today Jacob and I started working on this project at about 10 AM. The child had a crash course on how to use the cricut machine. He had a crash course on how to use Design Space software and how to use the MacBook. He pawed through the extensive box of scrapbooking paper to find just the right materials. He even ventured in to my sticker collection to see what he could find.

We worked together to create all of the bits and pieces. We then laid them all out in a mock up before we took a break and went to McDonald’s for lunch and before heading to the dollar store to collect materials! We came home and assembled it. Gluing and giggling as it came together! Popcorn kernels littered the floor!

He walked away from this day so very proud of his project and happily telling me how much fun he had!! He was excited that he was able to teach me something because I honestly had no idea there was water inside corn kernels!!

What a wildly different childhood my child is experiencing from my own! I vividly remember my first science project in grade 4 and it was a planet science project. I didn’t know what I was doing and no one would help me. Not because my parents were mean or didn’t care but because my dad worked full-time, and my mom simply was unable to help with a lot of academic things . I remember I had to stay home from school on a Thursday to finish it and I got yelled at so much. The yelling was because I did not finish the project in a timely manner. I did not meet the due date assigned by my teacher and growing up rules were to be strictly followed in our home. The word of school and of teachers was next to godliness.

I have the utmost respect for Jacob‘s teachers. I absolutely could not even begin to do their job. I do not possess the patients or the calmness to deal with a classroom full of inquiring minds. I respect the teachers directives. I respect due dates, but I also am a realist…

Sometimes things in life are more important than a due date.

After asking for the extension last week this new week proceeded to get away from us for a multitude of reasons. Our plan was to knock this project out Wednesday night when I got home at 5 pm. Instead life and mental health needs had other plans! Jacob called me at 4 pm while I was with A and asked if he could go swimming with Carter. I said yes while knowing that in the grand scheme of life staying home on a Thursday to do your science project really wasn’t a big deal.

This little science project taught Jacob and I more about life and love and how it feels to have somebody help you and how it feels to help somebody with something important in their life then it did about actual science.

This little science project healed a tiny part of my 10-year-old inner child who over the course of this lifetime has remembered crying over that planetary science project many times.

I hold no grudges or ill memories of my parents for being unable to help me in the educational department, and I have nothing but respect and thankfulness for the life that they provided me, even if it didn’t always have the shiny bits. In this life, and through my own grief, I have learned that things can coexist. Feelings of grief and happiness for example. I am immensely thankful that I am able to help Jacob on projects like this even when it stirs up bits of my own trauma. I’m so thankful that I learned about the importance of not stressing my child out over silly things. I love(d) my parents ferociously, but I’m so thankful that I love my child differently than I was loved.

I think one of the biggest secrets of being a parent is just how healing the journey can be if you allow it.

Amazing how a science project on matter was such a staunch reminder of what really matters.

Parenthood…

Jan27

And time make you bolder. My only important job in life right now is to protect that little boy and I won’t apologize for that. I’m not here to make friends.

I cannot wrap my head around how far we have let society go in the wrong direction. I cannot understand why we protect the guilty. I cannot understand why we continue to perpetuate a system that breaks the innocent.

My only goal is to make sure my child knows the world is beautiful but the system is broken. Hopefully the faster he learns this lesson the more apt he’ll be to roll with the punches. Maybe if I can teach him to feel deeply but not deep enough to let the pain consume him then everything will be ok.

I hope when he grows up and looks back on these days he realizes my anger towards those perpetrating the horrible, horrendous, unjust system was my way of standing up for him.

I’m just one person and I can’t change all this brokenness alone but I want that child to know I’d run head first into a burning building for him. I want him to know I’ll protect him at a detriment to myself.

I want to stand on the rooftops and scream until everyone sees what this system is doing to our kids!! That we are failing them as soon as we let them out of the gate!!! That so many of those who are supposed to protect them don’t because their perceived power has clouded their ability to see truth, to see right, to fight wrong. I’ve lost all respect for so much and so many.

When you can sit behind a desk, on the other end of a phone call or behind a screen, and try to downplay a situation where children are being assaulted in a place where they are supposed to be safe and make any justification for the situation, or downplay the situation in anyway you’ve lost sight of what’s right and honestly of humanity. You’re the problem but you get a pay-check so I guess that’s good enough for who you are at your core.

The world is beautiful, life is beautiful, the system is fucking broken and disgusting. Try to remember this when you’re feeling the dark.

Mental Health Day ….

Feb17

Look… parenting is hard and I’m the first one to stand up and admit all too frequently I get it wrong. This morning tho, I got it right!

I’m a huge advocate for mental health and treating ourselves with grace. So this morning when Jacob woke up and called me into his room to make a case for missing school today I didn’t skip a beat. As soon as this usually excited for school seven year old told me he was tired and a bit sad I said ok. He continued to plead his case that he’s not sick he’s just tired/sad and I sat down on his bed and said “J you don’t need to convince me you need a mental health day” .

Let’s be real here…we could all benefit from the odd mental health day here and there and because I’ve realized the importance of this in my own life I 100% support it in my child’s life! I was so thankful this morning when even J’s teacher was enthusiastic and supportive of him having a mental health day!

I grew up with parents from a generation that all too frequently ignored mental health. A generation that championed pushing themselves to physical and mental exhaustion. Don’t get me wrong I have the utmost respect for work ethic but I also have mad respect for anyone willing to set boundaries to respect/protect their health, both physical and mental! The past two years have been hard but I’ve learned so much and I know what’s important to me. Nurturing my child’s mental health is just as important as vaccinating him, feeding him well, and keeping his body healthy!

Feeling safe, loved, and heard is so important. Today I got it right and J definitely felt all those things.

We called it a mental health day…Now he’s in great spirits. We just got home! We walked, talked, had breakfast, played at the skate park, watched the ducks, practiced our dance moves on the stage at the amphitheater, laughed, and his favourite part was when I gave him a $5 bill to hide at the skate park for someone else to find and help brighten their day! Side note…it’s actually international Random act of kindness day!

During our morning adventure we talked about the importance of filling our cup and the importance of doing little things to help others fill theirs when we can! We talked about how it’s important to feel our feelings, how it’s ok to be sad sometimes. We talked about making sure we rest, play, work hard, and honor our feelings!

Now we’re cuddling on the couch and he just paused his screen time to tell me this was the best morning he’s ever had! And with that he made my cup overflow. I got it right this morning friends 💙💙💙

Thankful Thursday September 16 2021

Sep16

This morning I crawled out of my warm bed to take Muffin out to pee. I was hit with cold air upon opening the door! Cold air I haven’t felt since early last spring! I rushed Muff along and upon returning inside took a moment to crawl into bed beside Jacob. His barely awake warm self instantly embraced me and we cuddled for a solid 10 minutes before going about our regular before school routine. Now as I sit here reflecting on the morning I realize how much those ten minutes changed my day. They made me feel loved and relaxed and that put me in a great mood. I had more patience with my parents this morning and generally find myself less stressed!!

I hope our cuddle had the same effect on his day and I hope he never outgrows Momma cuddles! ❤️

You’re The Apple Of My Eye

Sep7

Break my heart in two…..I’m already looking for you and you’re right here. Why does a few blocks feel like a journey of a million miles? You’re the apple of my eye!! You’re my tiny little best friend. Nothing makes my heart happier than you! Today I let you stand on your own two feet. Today I’ll cry and worry. Today I’ll experience the longest hour of my life. Such a bitter sweet feeling. Your apprehensive feelings are being held at bay by your excitement. Your compassion and concern for me is evident. I’ll be ok sweet boy. I’m just not ready for this… but I’ll learn and be looking forward to picking you up everyday to hear about your adventures. How did 6.5 years go by so fast? Through the jungle, through the dark, in the sunshine, home is wherever I am with you!