Some days you gotta say fuck the mind numbing tasks of adulthood and go for a walk with one of your besties in the beautiful sunshine! Check out an antique shop and then cuddle your fuzzy bestie!!
Life is too short to not do the things that fill your cup!
And time make you bolder. My only important job in life right now is to protect that little boy and I won’t apologize for that. I’m not here to make friends.
I cannot wrap my head around how far we have let society go in the wrong direction. I cannot understand why we protect the guilty. I cannot understand why we continue to perpetuate a system that breaks the innocent.
My only goal is to make sure my child knows the world is beautiful but the system is broken. Hopefully the faster he learns this lesson the more apt he’ll be to roll with the punches. Maybe if I can teach him to feel deeply but not deep enough to let the pain consume him then everything will be ok.
I hope when he grows up and looks back on these days he realizes my anger towards those perpetrating the horrible, horrendous, unjust system was my way of standing up for him.
I’m just one person and I can’t change all this brokenness alone but I want that child to know I’d run head first into a burning building for him. I want him to know I’ll protect him at a detriment to myself.
I want to stand on the rooftops and scream until everyone sees what this system is doing to our kids!! That we are failing them as soon as we let them out of the gate!!! That so many of those who are supposed to protect them don’t because their perceived power has clouded their ability to see truth, to see right, to fight wrong. I’ve lost all respect for so much and so many.
When you can sit behind a desk, on the other end of a phone call or behind a screen, and try to downplay a situation where children are being assaulted in a place where they are supposed to be safe and make any justification for the situation, or downplay the situation in anyway you’ve lost sight of what’s right and honestly of humanity. You’re the problem but you get a pay-check so I guess that’s good enough for who you are at your core.
The world is beautiful, life is beautiful, the system is fucking broken and disgusting. Try to remember this when you’re feeling the dark.
Deep breath friends…. The finish line is right there!! Many of you know that Christmas is my absolute favourite but this is my first Christmas without either of my parents and I’m not going to lie to you…. I’ve been feeling all the feelings. I’ve definitely found moments of joy and festive fun but I’ve also felt sadness and emptiness. I’ve found myself finding nostalgia in all the things and embracing the whole season as best I can. Here’s your reminder that joy and grief can absolutely coexist. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to enjoy the season… im over here doing both simultaneously and im ok ❤️
When the tears fall without warning and the salty taste engulfs your entire being… When you quickly try to shoo those feelings away or stop those feelings in their tracks… Take a deep breath and just let them be for a minute. Those tears are likely unspoken words, long forgotten moments and just a little reminder of the life you’re living and the one(s) you’re grieving.
Remember there are no rules on being sad, no playbook for grief. No timeline. The reality of life is that one day you’re here and one day you’re not. Life is going to pass us all by one day at a time and our only job is live it. Live it in a way that brings you joy. Soak in whatever moments bring you happiness. Spend your hours with the people who make you feel. Yes the ones who make you feel!!! Feel content, safe, wild, alive! The ones who help make you feel like your best self! The ones who help bring out your passion, Those ones are the magic! You’re somebody’s magic and might not even know it!
Remember though you’re going to feel the hard feelings often enough. There is simply no escaping those either. Don’t waste too much time on trying to figure out what life is all about. I think if you’re busy focusing all your energy on finding the reason, trying to find the secret of life then you’re missing the journey. And friends… I think the secret to life is the journey.
As my Momma taught me… eat the cake! Sit down to drink your coffee and find reason to celebrate even the most mundane of Mondays!
You know what I realized sitting here a little battered and tired today? I realized that no one prepared me for any of this. No one prepared me to lose both my parents and my dog in the span of a year. No one ever could of prepared me for that.
No one told me how hard I’d have to advocate for my parents for 2 years before they left us. No one told me about the feelings I’d experience. The frustration, the sadness, the sorrow.
No one prepared me for this surgery. I didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t even really know what to expect despite years in the medical field.
No one has prepared me for any of this but here I am…. A little battered, a little bruised. I’ve lost some pieces of myself along the way and found a few other pieces. But here I am… still holding it together and that’s pretty damn impressive!
Hello December, I’m filled with both excitement and a bit of sadness as we start this festive month. This morning I was excited to shower treats upon my baby and my fur baby! Jacob loved the things Elfonzo brought and Bandit was very intrigued by these boxes of treats first thing in the morning that we were all very excited to show her!! Treats before breakfast and gingerbread are currently her favourite parts of Christmas!! Jacob was excited when he noticed a Purdys Santa beside his lunch. The Purdys Santa is 100% something Mom did for me as a child on December First! December lost most of it’s magic last year when Grandma got sick and left us and I want to honor her memory and my memories of how hard she always tried to make Christmas special by doing my best to bring back the fun and magic of this special month. 🎄🎄🎄⛄️⛄️⛄️🤶🏻🎅
The night Muffin left me. The night my heart broke. Ive tried so many times to write but the words don’t come. Losing my Mom and my fuzzy best friend in a four month span gutted me in a way I can’t even explain. Ive been left feeling alone, feeling an urgency of my own passing years. Forced to face my own mortality. Forced to recognize that these events don’t come with complete closure.
The memories play over and over when I close my eyes. Sometimes they bring comfort but more often they make it hard to breathe. The leave me feeling that cold chill you experience when the sun goes down and day creeps into night.
I swore I wasn’t going to get a puppy. I couldn’t. I swore I didn’t have the patience. I didn’t think I could get past the feeling I’d somehow betrayed Muffin. Everyone told me to wait. I met a few rescue pups and it left me feeling like I’d gotten punched in the gut. Those pups were all sweet but they didn’t give me that feeling. I wasn’t ready to commit but the house felt unbearably empty and cold. Coming home in the mornings after taking Jacob to school gutted me day after day. Never in my life had I experienced feeling so alone. Never had I felt such emptiness.
At the urging of one dedicated dog rescue friend I went to meet a pup. A pup with big flappy ears. Special ears as Krista calls them. I didn’t expect this meeting to go much differently then the other pups. Some cuddles, a face lick and me leaving in tears.
But this meeting did go differently. This little long legged flappy eared pup cuddled up to Kevin. She ignored the other pups and took cover in my lap. She looked at me with the saddest eyes. Her eyes held the same alone feeling I was feeling. Her eyes held a story. A story that in her short life she’d been through so much fear and confusion. For this lil pup had been born in the streets of Mexico and thankfully rescued by amazing people and nursed back to health before being brought to Canada. With that gift of a new life came her losing her “Mom” multiple times in her short life. She lost her birth Momma, she lost he foster Mom in Mexico to come to Canada and on the day I met her she was about to lose her Canadian foster Mom. In that moment with those big sad eyes looking at me I couldn’t let her keep losing her “Mom’s” because I know exactly how it feels.
Now she’s ours and we are hers. Now she feels safe enough to not cry and panic when I go to work. Now she knows this is her home. She’s learned all the people in this crazy full house love her. She has learned that Emma brings her home chicken nuggets and French fries after work. She’s learned Ella is the littlest but makes her feel safe. She’s learned uncle will take kisses when no one is looking. She’s learned Ej gives the best ear scratches. She’s learned Grandpa’s bedroom door is easy to push open for a quick visit. She’s learned there is nothing like have a fuzzy cousin to wrestle with. Shes learned that somehow in this life the stars aligned and her fur brother lives a few blocks away and she gets to play with him! Shes learned Auntie gives great cuddles and usually has treats handy! She’s learned the green grass in the backyard is an amazing place to lay and watch your world. She’s learned that Jacob is the most loving big brother she could of gotten. She’s learned that Dad gives the best tummy rubs and is an absolute lover of puppy cuddles. She’s learned that this house has a box of toys that are all hers and a basket of treats that is never empty. She’s learned this house has the most amazing collection of blankets and she’s welcome to every single one of them!
And she’s learned that this Mom is her forever Mom. That this Mom needs her love. That this Mom wants to give her all the treats, all the toys, all the cuddles. She’s learned this Mom cries sometimes and holds on to another pups collar. She’s learned that those are the best times to quietly position herself next to Momma and offer quiet support. This pup has learned what it’s like to feel love and to give love.
She has learned she’s home.
Bandit is the fuzzy twine that wrapped all the pieces of my broken heart back together and is helping me through the darkness. The question really is who rescued who?
With Mother’s Day fast approaching and all the love and fun that comes with it there is also sadness. Sadness for those who have lost their Mom, for those who never knew their Mom, for those who long to be a Mom, for those who long to feel the way they did before they were a Mom. Sadness for those who experienced pain at the hands of the one they call(ed) Mom. For those Dad’s who also have to act as Mom. For those Mom’s that suffered loss and long to hold their babies one more time.
Motherhood changes a person. It made me both stronger and softer. It made me both ferocious and timid. It made me feel love in a way I didn’t know existed and it made me feel anger in ways I wish I didn’t know existed. Motherhood has made me feel both full of love and full of terror. It’s made me marvel at my ability and long for a taste of the freedom I once knew. Losing my own Momma recently has made face my own mortality. It’s made me see things I missed my entire life. It’s made me wish for 5 more minutes to tell her things I should of said years ago. It’s made me understand the demons she was fighting and see the fears she faced. I spent my whole life near her and only truly saw some things for what they were once she was gone.
Being a Mom is hard. Being a Mom is exhausting. Being a Mom means giving up part of who you are so you can help your kids be who they are. Being a Mom is an amazing journey. Losing your Mom is a journey of a different sort.
To all the Mom’s out there…. I see you. I walk beside you! I’m here to help hold you up. I’m here to tell you those feelings and frustrations are ok. To all those who lost their Mom…. I am you, I hold a membership card to that club we didn’t ask to join and I cry with you.
To all the Aunts, Grandmas, friends, sisters, Dads that help stand in for us Mommas when we are sick, tired, drained, broken, or when we just need a minute…. Thank you.
Look… parenting is hard and I’m the first one to stand up and admit all too frequently I get it wrong. This morning tho, I got it right!
I’m a huge advocate for mental health and treating ourselves with grace. So this morning when Jacob woke up and called me into his room to make a case for missing school today I didn’t skip a beat. As soon as this usually excited for school seven year old told me he was tired and a bit sad I said ok. He continued to plead his case that he’s not sick he’s just tired/sad and I sat down on his bed and said “J you don’t need to convince me you need a mental health day” .
Let’s be real here…we could all benefit from the odd mental health day here and there and because I’ve realized the importance of this in my own life I 100% support it in my child’s life! I was so thankful this morning when even J’s teacher was enthusiastic and supportive of him having a mental health day!
I grew up with parents from a generation that all too frequently ignored mental health. A generation that championed pushing themselves to physical and mental exhaustion. Don’t get me wrong I have the utmost respect for work ethic but I also have mad respect for anyone willing to set boundaries to respect/protect their health, both physical and mental! The past two years have been hard but I’ve learned so much and I know what’s important to me. Nurturing my child’s mental health is just as important as vaccinating him, feeding him well, and keeping his body healthy!
Feeling safe, loved, and heard is so important. Today I got it right and J definitely felt all those things.
We called it a mental health day…Now he’s in great spirits. We just got home! We walked, talked, had breakfast, played at the skate park, watched the ducks, practiced our dance moves on the stage at the amphitheater, laughed, and his favourite part was when I gave him a $5 bill to hide at the skate park for someone else to find and help brighten their day! Side note…it’s actually international Random act of kindness day!
During our morning adventure we talked about the importance of filling our cup and the importance of doing little things to help others fill theirs when we can! We talked about how it’s important to feel our feelings, how it’s ok to be sad sometimes. We talked about making sure we rest, play, work hard, and honor our feelings!
Now we’re cuddling on the couch and he just paused his screen time to tell me this was the best morning he’s ever had! And with that he made my cup overflow. I got it right this morning friends 💙💙💙
Everything went wrong today that could of went wrong!
Our day was rough. My Dad’s memory/dementia was giving us all hell. Kevin is still really under the weather, I’m still coughing so much I’m physically sore. Important paperwork went missing (thanks dementia). I realized I’m dangerously close to missing a very important deadline. Amazon lost Jacob’s birthday gift. My lunch order was full of chicken not the tofu I ordered. Purdys is having a peanut butter daisy shortage. I could go on.
But I’m not going to dwell on it. Im going to look on the bright side! Today I managed to get out and find Jacob an amazing birthday gift, bought him a huge Pokémon balloon bouquet, then the best thing happened… Jacob came to me excited to spend tomorrow together for his birthday. I reminded him he has school tomorrow and he adamantly informed me his birthday would be a family day just as it has been every year since he was born! And in that moment I realized how right he is and how much we both need the day together. It made me happy that this sweet child realizes that I’ve made sure to take the day off work for his birthday every year. It makes my heart full to know that he wants that tradition to continue.
I’m thankful this sweet child is mine!
Life With The McGavins 