I met my younger self for coffee today…

We both showed up 10 minutes early.

She showed up in the passenger seat of our best friend’s car while I showed up alone in a full size Chevy Silverado that I backed into a parking spot. She looked confused but beautiful! I let her know that that particular driving skill terrified us for years and we would once go 3 entire years without driving because of anxiety and fear. Until one day we just said fuck it and did the scary thing! That at 39 years old we’d learn how to really drive with confidence and learn how to back up!

She questioned why I was out alone and I told her that I enjoy being alone sometimes. That I still love being with our friends but I frequently go shopping, for walks, coffee and to the gym alone. She asked if Katie and I were still friends and I told her yes of course! Our kids are friends too and her daughters call our husband Uncle Sasquatch! Baby Katie passed out on the spot!

We ordered our coffee and she side eyed me when I didn’t order fat free milk. I told her that I preferred the flavor of full fat dairy and the extra calories aren’t significant. She sighed in her size 8 lululemons and said “I guess we never lose the weight huh?” I tell her actually we did… we got to goal weight and it did not change how we felt about ourself! I told her at goal weight our body failed and we became the sickest we’d ever been. I told her about the debilitating hip pain, vomiting and the chronic hives. How we almost died during pregnancy from malnutrition…. But then I told her that while running a half marathon at 6 months postpartum I decided the amount of space my body took up on this earth was no longer going to be my constant focus. That yes I’d like to live in a smaller body but starving myself was no longer an option to achieve that. Unfortunately an autoimmune disease would predominantly decided our body shape and size and eventually we’d realized that a functioning pain free body was more important than a small body. I reassured her that we’d do the work and find our self worth and learn to love ourselves for who we are and not the size of our body!

When we went to our table her eyes grew wide as I took off my jacket. “Are those tattoos!?!?” Yes 12 of them! She gasped and I laughed. “I guess with all those you don’t talk to Dad anymore?” I told her not for a few years anyways… Not since he died shortly after mom passed away. She choked back a tear “but were still so young and they are dead”… yes sweet girl they died before we even got our stride as a real grown up but don’t worry we did our absolute best by them. We provided care in their last years and held their hands as they left this world. She stared quietly out the window trying to grasp that news.

She watched as I stood up and warmly embraced a tall well dressed man that had come through the door… “is that our husband? What happened to Shane!!” No sweet girl that’s not our husband, that’s one of our best friends! That particular man will teach you a very important lesson about truly knowing people, trusting your gut and forming your own opinions based on your truths!! It’s very important you double down and embrace that relationship and learning!

As for our husband… it’s not Shane either! We still love Shane…and talk weekly! Our kids are friends too! Our husband tho is the magic … he is a big stoic, husky bearded hunk who lets us away with far too much nonsense but offers us the utmost protection and safety. He is an amazing father and our rock! He lets us hide when the world gets too loud. He’s the kind of man that lets the big hound dog sit at the dinner table only because it makes us happy! He’s not your type…. He’s my type! You’ll understand eventually!

She giggled then sipped her low calorie fat free iced coffee and asked “you keep mentioning a child! I thought we didn’t want kids!” Well they originally told us it was unlikely we’d conceive but the universe had other plans and we have one son and he’s the most amazing gift we have in this life! Tho buckle up buttercup because he’s got your sass and personality! Motherhood is an adventure we didn’t plan for or see coming but don’t worry we’re kinda awesome at it!

She sat quietly for a long time and then asked “Nothing seems to have gone according to my plans…our teaching career must of! Right!?”

Nope! We did not pursue teaching… Psychology actually then nursing. Your life’s work will be providing comfort and support while caring for others but please remember to rest, trust your gut and care for yourself in the process. An awful, scary life event will almost take you out of your line of work and it’s imperative you fight through the darkness because another family needs you years after that assult and they become like family to you.

She sat quietly trying to absorb it all. Before leaving we embraced and she whispered “I think I’ll like being you!”

I held her close and reminded her not to rush it, enjoy every stage of this life, even when it seems unconventional because she’s going to meet her other two best friends… one at work and one because you’ll date her future husband!! I told her the secret that it all goes by faster than you can even grasp. I warned her there would be seasons of profound darkness and she’d almost give up but it’s important to know the deep darkness clears and things are beautiful. Life will never be perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.

I told her she would always feel everything. The whole of the good the heaviness of the bad. That our entire life we’d love so many people in so many ways. That we’d feel love on so many levels. I told her to make sure those people know she loves them. Don’t ever hide it. The love matters. Some would stay a life time and some would stay a season.

I made her promise to find her voice, find her confidence, use her voice and experience life as it comes!

Without You

Jan31

Yesterday was 2 years without him… I couldn’t even address it yesterday. It was sharp and unbearable to even think about. Sometimes there aren’t words… sometimes you just have to cry alone in a parking lot and listen to the rain on the roof of your truck. Sometimes you just have to pull yourself together and remind yourself that cowgirls don’t cry…. But we do. A lot. 💔

Thinking About You….

Jan12

A quiet breakfast alone on what would have been Dad’s 79th Birthday. My main reflection is how thankful I am for all those mornings he sat across from me and we had breakfast together. In the last two years those breakfasts were always his best moments of the day. Our breakfast conversations always had moments and meaning I will treasure forever. Even tho those two years were the absolute hardest of both of our lives I’m so thankful he was here at home with us. I’m so thankful for all those quiet breakfasts together. Happy heavenly Birthday Dad!

On Grief….

Aug21

The idea of loss and grief is something we learn about at a very young age but it’s something I’m not sure we ever fully understand at any age. Before I lost my parents I experienced all kinds of grief. Starting from a young age losing pets. I remember feeling extreme sadness as a child when I learned my friend who lived across the street every summer had lost her mother in a car accident. I remember the sadness and the confusion as a seven year old when my grandfather passed and again as a teen losing my much loved uncle to suicide.

I didn’t think I was a stranger to grief. Hell I took an entire unit in university on dying, death and grieving. What I failed to realize until this week was the dynamic effects of grief. The way it would be tangible. I didn’t realize I’d taste it, smell it, feel it physically. I never thought about the fact I would hold my grief in my hands., I never realized my grief would become not only a feeling but an emotion that would take over in even the most mundane and obscure moments.

My grief has found its way into the very back of my memory card catalog so to speak. Surfacing memories I didn’t even realize I held. The way my Mom would quietly tiptoe around the cabin on summer vacation to make a pot of coffee and toast. She needed her coffee but didn’t want to wake the rest of us so early. The way the mixture of fresh coffee and cigarette smoke was my normal morning scent greeting at home and at the cabin. The way she’d always tuck one leg under her and pull her other knee up to her chest and stretch her nightshirt around her legs as she sipped her coffee and smoked her morning cigarette. This morning I tiptoed through the cabin to make myself toast and sat at the table listening to my little family snore. I imagine that’s exactly the sound she was listening to all those mornings.

When my brother opened my Dad’s fishing tackle box a couple weeks ago I was instantly transported back to standing on the shore of Dry lake. The smell of that tackle box is a lifetime of memories. It’s tangible and I can touch it, smell it. It’s a literal box of memories and grief. It’s bittersweet.

Yesterday at the Bridge-lake fair I caught myself frozen, staring at a piece of lemon meringue pie that if I didn’t know better thought my momma had made. It’s moments like that no one warns you about. No one told me a hunk of pie was going to punch me in the gut one sunny summer Sunday afternoon. No one told me a day later I’d regret not having eaten the pie to see if it was anything like the ones I spent my childhood enjoying. No one talks about these moments but I think they are normal. I doubt I’m alone in these experiences. Obviously everyone’s grief is different but in my circles no one really talks about it at all. Why are we weathering this alone?

I hear my parents voice in my head sometimes. Standing in front of a rustic miners cabin at 108 ranch I heard my Dad chuckle and announce “there’s a little shanty I could afford!!”. Without hesitation I glanced around knowing he wasn’t there but having to reassure myself this wasn’t all a bad dream and maybe he was there with us.

I heard my Moms voice urging Jacob “No deeper” as he swam in the crystal clear waters of Green lake. I heard her laughter every time I saw a chipmunk steal a nut and run as fast as his little legs could carry him. I felt her presence every time a dragon fly shared a moment with us in the past 10 days. I know physically they are gone but memory and grief are powerful things.

I didn’t expect to quietly cry as often as I do.

I didn’t expect it to be like this.

This isn’t the grief I expected.

We Keep This Love In A Photograph ….

Jul30

Today was the day… a day we’ve talked about for months. A day we feared, a day we knew we needed. Today was the day we gathered with friends and family and said our goodbyes to my parents. We celebrated their lives, ate their favourite food, hugged, laughed, cried, reflected, and were reminded that life is a gift and you only have a short time to enjoy it. Eat the damn cake. Smile at the flowers, love your people.

I couldn’t of got through today (the past few years actually) without a handful of amazing friends and the most dedicated husband ever ❤️ I am so incredibly thankful for my people and my dog!

The following are the words I shared at today’s celebration of life…if you do nothing else today make sure you hug your loved ones and let them know what they mean to you.

All the love we won’t ever forget…

I’d like to thank you all for being here with us on this beautiful summer day. This is exactly the kind of day Mom and Dad would of loved to have a yard full of people, Mom would happily get out a spread of crackers meat, cheese, pickled beets and Dad would direct one of us kids to get up a pot of coffee! So that’s what we are going to do in their honour today! We are here to celebrate their lives, their love, the memories and some of their favourite foods. But first I’d like to share a few words to my parents.

How do I condense a lifetime into a few minute speech? How do I condense 2 lifetimes into the same speech?

I don’t know but like my Momna and very unlike my Dad I’m wordy as heck so I’m gonna do my best!

To my Mother …. You were the most tenacious, driven, independent force I’ve ever known. You lived your life with dedication to those you loved. You had a big heart, a big voice and a big personality that didn’t match your tiny stature. I often thought your boldness and lack of fear was to combat your small size. But your bold fearless nature was what made you you. You were unshakable. You taught me that you could do anything you put your mind to. That I could do anything I put my mind to. You taught me to see things through to the end even if it was easier to quit or walk away. Finish what you start. Dust yourself off later. You taught me that it was okay to talk to strangers because strangers become friends. You taught me it was ok to stand up for myself. You taught me to use the best four letter words efficiently and You taught me to eat the damn cake. You taught me to live while I’ve got the chance.

I know so many of you hold amazing stories about my mothers antics. Like her wild ability to fix a broken down blazer in the parking lot of my elementary school as other Mom’s looked on both equally horrified and impressed. I know many of you remember her sending you home from a visit with bags of produce from her and Dads gardens! With jars of homemade jam, those Mile high apple pies, the magnificent lemon meringue pies she could make like no one else. Most of you at one time or another sat across the table from Carol and sipped coffee with her, smoked a cigarette with her. Answered a call from her to be greeted with “what ya doing?” You all Listen to her gush endlessly about her Grand babies. She loved being a grandma. She loved ferociously actually. Her whole life. She was loving and dedicated, stubborn and strong. That’s who she was … she was sassy, bold, love.

While my Mother was in fact a nonstop talker my Dad was not a man of many words. But my god he knew how to use those words when he wanted to!

To my Father…I always knew I’d be lost without you and as the end drew near earlier this year my heart broke before you even left us. I knew I’d have to spend the rest of my life using what you taught me just to get through it. From you Dad I learned the value of silence, I learned the importance of going for walks, you taught me the solace in spending time alone. From you I learned when to keep my mouth shut and I learned when it was worth telling somebody off to be sure to tell them all the way off!!! From you I learned the value of a witty one liner.

You were the embodiment of hard work. Your hands were never idle. You provided for our family and we’re always there to pick me up when I did something stupid. I still remember you running down the street when you realized the crash you heard was me rear ending a street cleaner (yes a street cleaner) a block from home. I remember you made sure I was ok and then an hour later you tossed me the keys to your van and made me get back on the proverbial horse and go driving. You were not a man who settled for mediocre in anything you did and you surely didn’t raise us to be mediocre. You taught us to always turn around and help the next person in line.

You’d help anyone who needed it. You didn’t ask for anything in return. I grew up watching you run towards car accidents to help strangers. You’d always pull over to see if you could help. You’d always offer up a few dollars in gas to get a stranded stranger back on the road. Acts of service were how you shared your love. In an emergency look for the helpers, be a helper that’s what you taught me because that’s who you were. You were an amazing helper, you were a giver, you were a quiet, dedicated hard worker. You were a great Dad and the most attentive Grandfather.

Together my parents taught me that life and love is tumultuous. They taught me that marriage is a commitment and it is work. They taught me to ride and not worry about the fall. They taught me to pick myself up and always help pick others up when they need it.

They were dedicated to a life together and when mom left us we saw exactly how strong that need to be together was. Dad was lost without her. He never stopped looking for her in that year apart. Even tho my heart is broken they are both gone I’m so incredibly thankful they are together again. I can just picture her smothering him with a kiss and him announcing “leave me alone!” But we all know he secretly loved every second of her love.

They were your friend, your family, your brother, your sister, they were dedicated, attentive parents and amazing Grandparents.

Here’s to two lives lived with dedication and love and to the solace that they are together in this eternity.

Thank you

In The Quiet Moments…

Mar27

When the tears fall without warning and the salty taste engulfs your entire being… When you quickly try to shoo those feelings away or stop those feelings in their tracks… Take a deep breath and just let them be for a minute. Those tears are likely unspoken words, long forgotten moments and just a little reminder of the life you’re living and the one(s) you’re grieving.

Remember there are no rules on being sad, no playbook for grief. No timeline. The reality of life is that one day you’re here and one day you’re not. Life is going to pass us all by one day at a time and our only job is live it. Live it in a way that brings you joy. Soak in whatever moments bring you happiness. Spend your hours with the people who make you feel. Yes the ones who make you feel!!! Feel content, safe, wild, alive! The ones who help make you feel like your best self! The ones who help bring out your passion, Those ones are the magic! You’re somebody’s magic and might not even know it!

Remember though you’re going to feel the hard feelings often enough. There is simply no escaping those either. Don’t waste too much time on trying to figure out what life is all about. I think if you’re busy focusing all your energy on finding the reason, trying to find the secret of life then you’re missing the journey. And friends… I think the secret to life is the journey.

As my Momma taught me… eat the cake! Sit down to drink your coffee and find reason to celebrate even the most mundane of Mondays!

There You’ll Be

Mar22

You know what I realized sitting here a little battered and tired today? I realized that no one prepared me for any of this. No one prepared me to lose both my parents and my dog in the span of a year. No one ever could of prepared me for that.

No one told me how hard I’d have to advocate for my parents for 2 years before they left us. No one told me about the feelings I’d experience. The frustration, the sadness, the sorrow.

No one prepared me for this surgery. I didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t even really know what to expect despite years in the medical field.

No one has prepared me for any of this but here I am…. A little battered, a little bruised. I’ve lost some pieces of myself along the way and found a few other pieces. But here I am… still holding it together and that’s pretty damn impressive!

Close Your Eyes, Count To Ten…Hope It’s All A Little Better When You Open Them.

Mar5

Someone once said to me that grief might be easier to live with if we don’t look at it as a bad thing. Maybe if we embrace it and think of it as the way our brain is expressing love we never got to share. It will always hurt but maybe grief is there to remind us that we still love. It’s there to remind us our broken heat still feels.

Cowgirl don’t cry…

How Are You Still Holding On???

Feb6

We’re lost again but this time there were no surprises. Just closed eyes and more disappointment.

They say don’t blink because you might miss it all. I’m really starting to understand just how fast life really does go. Everyday those memories get a little blurrier around the edges. Those things that are here today could be gone tomorrow. We have to keep smiling even when our eyes are full of tears.

At some point I realized I simply can’t go home anymore because that place doesn’t exist any longer. At least not in a physical sense. I’ve realized that all this time I’ve been desperately trying to find the pieces to put myself back together but the world keeps chipping off hunks of me through life and loss. I don’t think I can ever be put back together in the sense I was looking for because nothing ever stays the same. In realizing that I also realized because of that everything stays the same on a different parallel line. For a brief moment I felt like maybe I’d stumbled upon the secret of life. Everything changes but nothing really changes. Everything stays the same in a way. We just keep going. We just keep holding on.

So That Was Christmas

Jan1

So that was 2022.

An entire year without her.

An entire year of downward trajectory.

An entire year of heartbreak.

A year of trying to hold on.

A year of not letting it break me completely.

Almost a whole year of the saddest most heart wrenching alone feeling I’ve ever felt.

A year of trying to find the light, of finding the littlest moments to help get me by.

A year of realizing the things you thought you wouldn’t miss are the things you miss the most.

A year of holding on to the fact that it can’t be this way forever. All these sorrows and troubles will someday find a way of settling into dust. The realization that sometimes you have wait out the blizzard and try your best not to freeze.