What a blessing to wake up here on the eve of my 42 birthday. What a blessing to hear the waves crash as I walk with my best friend. What a blessing to spend these days with the loves of my life. What a blessing to see the light.
Morning Soliloquy…
Tag Archive | thankful
Shadows in the darkness…
Odd flashes of light that don’t make any sense.
When you think you’ve got the grief handled it rears its head after a week of happiness. It knocks you down when you feel like yourself. You can’t float because it has a way of taking the wind from your sails and the worst part is you can’t figure out why it comes like this.
I was told the best thing to do is sit with the grief. Feel it. Embrace it. I can tell you at 5 am just days before my 42 birthday I don’t want to feel it.. I want to shake it. I want to feel like I did on better days this week. I want the sunshine to come back. I want to drink coffee with people I love. I want to laugh. I want to feel the sparks of life. I want to feel like me.
I think in reality it never goes away. Grief is like a chronic illness we will live with the rest of our lives. Sometimes the pain subsides but the symptoms always come back.
I can tell you it’s shitty.
I guess maybe the grief is a reminder to really embrace the good stuff. A reminder to really hold on to the people who make you feel loved and safe. A reminder to sit down and listen to those stories, Really hear the words. Memorize the sound of their voice. Trace the shape of those faces into your mind as you listen to them talk.
None of this life is anything we get to keep forever… Embrace the little moments, hug a little longer. Let the sunshine days recharge your soul so you’re strong enough to weather the mornings you wake up with dread.
The Sweetest Sadness In Your Eyes…
Every morning after we get the kids to school… after our walk is done we take a few minutes and cuddle quietly on the couch. We soak in the silence and just breathe and honestly it might be my favourite moment of my day. I know not everyone can understand the bond I share with Bandit. To some people she’s “just a dog” but to me she’s the soul who helped pick up my brokenness in my season of loss. 🩵🐾
Tuesday
Some days you gotta say fuck the mind numbing tasks of adulthood and go for a walk with one of your besties in the beautiful sunshine! Check out an antique shop and then cuddle your fuzzy bestie!!
Life is too short to not do the things that fill your cup!
Rain….
The perfect weather for bad coffee and long pointless talks while the rain beats down on the windshield…The perfect weather for committing your favourite crime.
Moody and cold … dark and grey but always the belief the sunshine is right behind those clouds. Deja vu … little white lies…..just like it always was.
Happiness in those brief rainy moments.
I think I like prefer windshields in the rain to sandcastles in the sun.
Thinking About You….
A quiet breakfast alone on what would have been Dad’s 79th Birthday. My main reflection is how thankful I am for all those mornings he sat across from me and we had breakfast together. In the last two years those breakfasts were always his best moments of the day. Our breakfast conversations always had moments and meaning I will treasure forever. Even tho those two years were the absolute hardest of both of our lives I’m so thankful he was here at home with us. I’m so thankful for all those quiet breakfasts together. Happy heavenly Birthday Dad!
Another year gone….
People are going to judge you no matter what you do… So here is the only advice I have for 2024!!! Do what you want. Love who you love. Love yourself…love your life. Take the risks. The perfect cookie cutter life doesn’t exist so if something takes your breath away do it. If it feels like magic grab it.. even if you only catch it once. Live your damn life on your terms. Chase sunsets and wake up to greet the next sunrise. ❤️
Somewhere in my memory…
Deep breath friends…. The finish line is right there!! Many of you know that Christmas is my absolute favourite but this is my first Christmas without either of my parents and I’m not going to lie to you…. I’ve been feeling all the feelings. I’ve definitely found moments of joy and festive fun but I’ve also felt sadness and emptiness. I’ve found myself finding nostalgia in all the things and embracing the whole season as best I can. Here’s your reminder that joy and grief can absolutely coexist. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to enjoy the season… im over here doing both simultaneously and im ok ❤️
Hello December…
It makes me think of you. It makes me think of those days in that little farmhouse. That roaring warm fire in that old wood stove. Those cheery yellow curtains that hid the sadness. The smell of a fresh cut Christmas tree mixed with brewed coffee and cigarette smoke. Those red Christmas balls. The way you made sure to make it magic no matter what was going on in real life.
Things I’ll remember for the rest of my life. I close my eyes and they are there, you’re there. We’re all there. In that house. Time forever frozen in my mind.
Everything Happens For A Reason…
I’m a firm believer in the old saying “Everything happens for a reason.” A handful of years ago I found myself drawn to all things vintage Christmas and became very nostalgic for things that were part of my childhood Christmases. Of course given that I’m 41 a lot of those trinkets are no longer around. Tho certain things vividly stand out in my memory. The tinsil garlands that used to hang on our living room ceiling, the plastic holly candle ring that sat on the coffee table and my mothers purple mercury glass beaded cross. I remember her always putting it on the tree herself and it always had to go on last. This ornament brought her joy. Unfortunately when I was about 8/9 I remember it coming apart and being tucked away but never repaired. Since she died I found myself searching online for a beaded cross. This past week I stumbled on a lady selling a huge lot of vintage ornaments. I figured it couldn’t hurt to ask if I could purchase just the one. I told her my story and she agreed to sell it to me. I received it today with the sweetest note from the seller. While this isn’t my Mom’s exact ornament having this little piece brings me comfort. It’s a tangible reminder of Christmases past and it reminds me of her ❤️
Life With The McGavins 