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I met my younger self for coffee today…

Jan6

We both showed up 10 minutes early.

She showed up in the passenger seat of our best friend’s car while I showed up alone in a full size Chevy Silverado that I backed into a parking spot. She looked confused but beautiful! I let her know that that particular driving skill terrified us for years and we would once go 3 entire years without driving because of anxiety and fear. Until one day we just said fuck it and did the scary thing! That at 39 years old we’d learn how to really drive with confidence and learn how to back up!

She questioned why I was out alone and I told her that I enjoy being alone sometimes. That I still love being with our friends but I frequently go shopping, for walks, coffee and to the gym alone. She asked if Katie and I were still friends and I told her yes of course! Our kids are friends too and her daughters call our husband Uncle Sasquatch! Baby Katie passed out on the spot!

We ordered our coffee and she side eyed me when I didn’t order fat free milk. I told her that I preferred the flavor of full fat dairy and the extra calories aren’t significant. She sighed in her size 8 lululemons and said “I guess we never lose the weight huh?” I tell her actually we did… we got to goal weight and it did not change how we felt about ourself! I told her at goal weight our body failed and we became the sickest we’d ever been. I told her about the debilitating hip pain, vomiting and the chronic hives. How we almost died during pregnancy from malnutrition…. But then I told her that while running a half marathon at 6 months postpartum I decided the amount of space my body took up on this earth was no longer going to be my constant focus. That yes I’d like to live in a smaller body but starving myself was no longer an option to achieve that. Unfortunately an autoimmune disease would predominantly decided our body shape and size and eventually we’d realized that a functioning pain free body was more important than a small body. I reassured her that we’d do the work and find our self worth and learn to love ourselves for who we are and not the size of our body!

When we went to our table her eyes grew wide as I took off my jacket. “Are those tattoos!?!?” Yes 12 of them! She gasped and I laughed. “I guess with all those you don’t talk to Dad anymore?” I told her not for a few years anyways… Not since he died shortly after mom passed away. She choked back a tear “but were still so young and they are dead”… yes sweet girl they died before we even got our stride as a real grown up but don’t worry we did our absolute best by them. We provided care in their last years and held their hands as they left this world. She stared quietly out the window trying to grasp that news.

She watched as I stood up and warmly embraced a tall well dressed man that had come through the door… “is that our husband? What happened to Shane!!” No sweet girl that’s not our husband, that’s one of our best friends! That particular man will teach you a very important lesson about truly knowing people, trusting your gut and forming your own opinions based on your truths!! It’s very important you double down and embrace that relationship and learning!

As for our husband… it’s not Shane either! We still love Shane…and talk weekly! Our kids are friends too! Our husband tho is the magic … he is a big stoic, husky bearded hunk who lets us away with far too much nonsense but offers us the utmost protection and safety. He is an amazing father and our rock! He lets us hide when the world gets too loud. He’s the kind of man that lets the big hound dog sit at the dinner table only because it makes us happy! He’s not your type…. He’s my type! You’ll understand eventually!

She giggled then sipped her low calorie fat free iced coffee and asked “you keep mentioning a child! I thought we didn’t want kids!” Well they originally told us it was unlikely we’d conceive but the universe had other plans and we have one son and he’s the most amazing gift we have in this life! Tho buckle up buttercup because he’s got your sass and personality! Motherhood is an adventure we didn’t plan for or see coming but don’t worry we’re kinda awesome at it!

She sat quietly for a long time and then asked “Nothing seems to have gone according to my plans…our teaching career must of! Right!?”

Nope! We did not pursue teaching… Psychology actually then nursing. Your life’s work will be providing comfort and support while caring for others but please remember to rest, trust your gut and care for yourself in the process. An awful, scary life event will almost take you out of your line of work and it’s imperative you fight through the darkness because another family needs you years after that assult and they become like family to you.

She sat quietly trying to absorb it all. Before leaving we embraced and she whispered “I think I’ll like being you!”

I held her close and reminded her not to rush it, enjoy every stage of this life, even when it seems unconventional because she’s going to meet her other two best friends… one at work and one because you’ll date her future husband!! I told her the secret that it all goes by faster than you can even grasp. I warned her there would be seasons of profound darkness and she’d almost give up but it’s important to know the deep darkness clears and things are beautiful. Life will never be perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.

I told her she would always feel everything. The whole of the good the heaviness of the bad. That our entire life we’d love so many people in so many ways. That we’d feel love on so many levels. I told her to make sure those people know she loves them. Don’t ever hide it. The love matters. Some would stay a life time and some would stay a season.

I made her promise to find her voice, find her confidence, use her voice and experience life as it comes!

It’s always a long December…

Dec31

Because no matter how hard I try to forget the smell of that hospital in winter it is burned into my memory. Sometimes I catch a whiff of it despite being years removed, in those moments that smell is as sharp and astringent as it ever.

Knowing that smell took so much from me… not once but twice.

Despite knowing that this year has been better than the last and the last before that…. I still carry it all.

A Conversation With Mom….

Dec11

I wish you didn’t have to leave us when you did and so much has changed since you’ve been away but some things are exactly as you left them. Exactly as you built them to be.

I see so much of you in all the kids. But mostly in Ej. He’s got your witt and your desire for knowledge. I think that’s the nicest way to say inquisitively nosey I’ve ever used! He loves knowing what’s going on and when I come home I often look up in the window and see him waving to me. In those moments there I am again… looking up at you in the window on 180 st. Sometimes he texts me when I’m out and asks when we will be home and honestly I love it because it’s reliving those moments with you. When he talks to me I sometimes fight back tears because it’s like talking to you. His mannerisms, his facial expressions, everything. He’s the quiet worrier who just wants his whole family home safe under the same roof. He’s so much of you.

Some morning when Ella strolls through my kitchen and chirps out, “Good morning” for that brief second you’re alive again standing behind me. Ella’s matter of fact way of taking on life and her ability to ignore the bs is a mirror of you. She’s tiny and tough. She sees through the garbage but doesn’t hold a grudge too long. She sparkles when she talks about the things she loves! So much like you.

Emma…. That beautiful sole has every scrap of tenacity and hard working grit you showed her over the years and is running with it. She is kind and loving but stronger than maybe all of us put together. She’s quiet but a little sassy. She’s dedicated, hardworking and loyal to a fault…. Just like you.

And Jacob…. Jacob got your soft side. Your love. Your want of everyone to be happy and get along. Jacob got your urge to hug me even at the most inopportune times! (I don’t fight them like I did with you… I drop whatever I’m doing and soak them in because I know better now). Jacob got your love. He sees the meaning in the little things. He loves the little things. He loves making other people happy with gifts and surprises. He’s just like you… eye roll and all.

And me…. Well I got every piece I could sweep up. All the broken bits are in a jar in my heart. That night when I sat next to you and held your hand as life quietly read out your last page I knew all these little bits of you cumulatively built me strong enough to get through to my stories last page without you. I know you aren’t physically here any more but I recognize your work everywhere. I look at these kids, at your son and see you looking back at me so often. But in the quiet moments when I’m alone I see you in me. Not just because as I age my face is aging the same way yours did. Not because my hair is greying slowly but fast enough to noticeably piss me off but because I do things the way you did. I get frustrated at stupid people and instantly bitch about it to my best friend. I get mad and say fuck it and then five minutes later return to fix whatever the problem is. I threaten to burn it all to the ground and act tough and then get soft because I don’t want to burn it all at all. I stare at the birds quietly and cry in the shower when I need to (yes I always knew) I spoil (love) these kids with little treats and silly outings I pray they hold dear when they are older like I do with the memories of you doing the same for me. Like this past fall I realized why I love that time of year so much… it was the trip down to the river in Fort Langley to collect colorful leaves and how we arranged them in a basket with the little witch and cat soaps as a decoration for the table with a bowl of smarties out of the bulk section at Safeway. You made a lifetime memory for me out of something so simple. You made so much out of so little. You left me with the knowledge that engaging with people matters. Yesterday I met a stranger and before parting ways we hugged and had quietly both shed a tear for you and for her departed son. You put me where I needed to be yesterday. From you I got the knowledge to trust my gut and be where it’s telling me I need to be.

I keep your manuscript close in my heart and refer to it often for knowledge and wisdom.

Your star burns so bright because I refuse to let anyone forget about it. We talk about you. I love when we are doing something and one of the kids blurts out “Grandma would love this” . Food, places, trinkets, they never miss an opportunity to point it out! Earlier this week on the way home from school they talked about how you always had a Tim Hortons coffee in your hand and a box of Timbits for them to share. We got donuts the next day after school.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

On 15 Years Of Marriage….

Nov17

Fifteen may not seem like a lot when you’re talking about stars in the sky, trees in the forest or vintage Christmas decorations in my house but when you’re talking about years of marriage….. It’s a big number.

Every year we measure and mark the passing of time in so many ways, In big ways like the celebration of birthdays and holidays. In small ways like planting seeds in the spring and harvesting crops in the fall. We all quietly know time and life is passing, we can’t stop it or slow it down. In the grand scheme of life 15 years is a small number for most but for others it’s a lifetime.

15 years of marriage tho…. In our world that’s a big deal. It’s a milestone that has traveled a path of happiness and sadness. The path to this milestone is littered with quiet intimate moments and loud chaotic moments. It’s an airport hangar full of bags. Bags packed neatly full of memories. Some bags fondly remembered with the urge to unpack and relive everything about those times. Other bags packed tightly and buried deeply with the hope of never disturbing the dust. Whether the bag is one we’d like to rip open and immerse ourselves back into or the bag is one in which we have zero inkling to ever touch again those are our bags and they built the foundation and walls of this life.

This past Saturday Kevin and I reached that milestone. 15 years of marriage. 15 years of building this life together. 15 years of building this little family. 15 years of showing up. 15 years of smiles, 15 years of tears, 15 years of working together through the good and bad. 15 years of I love you’s, a few I hate you’s and ultimately the realization that if we lost each others love it would tear our whole world apart.

For 15 years we have joked about this being the longest one night stand EVER. In these 15 years we’ve slammed a few doors in each others faces and almost called it quits a few times. We’ve on occasion said awful things to each other. For 15 years tho no matter what has happened we’ve always found our way back to each other. Back to the love we felt that day in Vegas. Back to goodnight kisses and good morning boob squeezes. Back to each other every single day.

We didn’t celebrate this milestone in a big flashy way. In fact we had an argument the night before. We started the day annoyed and distant with each other. We did however acknowledge this milestone by doing exactly what we’ve done for 15 years… we spent the day doing little errands that could have waited but forced us to be in close proximity to each other. As the hours of the day past we joked, we teased and we got past the hurt of the argument. Little reminders of I love you in quiet ways. We ate Chinese take out on the couch and felt the warmth and safety of just being beside each other. We did exactly what we’ve done to make it to this big milestone. We loved each other even when it was hard.

…Just be better at it….

Oct14

The leaves bursting with stunning color and the first morning of frost serves as a reminder that it’s time to let go and slow down.

These Autumn leaves falling down into place… covering up the spots we used as our own all summer long.

Springtime might be the season of new life but Autumn feels like home somehow. When the air turns crisp and you get a second to catch your breath. A minute to reflect on the year. The summer moments still burned into your mind like it all happened yesterday. Your skin still holding on to that sun kissed reminder of those hours spent taking it all in.

Too fresh to feel real yet.

Summer in the rightest way….

Sep8

Childhood….the days when it felt like an eternity between the first day of school and summer vacation! 10 months that felt like 10 years. Those days we had no idea how quickly the days would pass later in life.

Watching Jacob enjoy his summer this year took me back to my preteen years. A time before responsibilities. A time before screens. A time when my brain still let my imagination run the show. I remember how the dry grass felt on my feet. How the cold lake water took my breath away but I’d jump in over and over. I remember how exciting it was to get to the cabin. How ice cream melted so fast in the hot sun. The smell of campfire smoke in my hair as I drifted off to sleep.

I was lucky enough to relive all these feelings and more this past summer with my little family.

This summer I remembered what summer freedom felt like. This summer I remembered what summer love feels like. This summer I let myself live so many adventures. This summer I found a happiness I’d misplaced a long time ago.

I am blessed to feel safe enough in this life to let Jacob go off on big adventures with friends that I only dreamed of as a child. A week at camp, sleepovers hours away from home, the waterslides, tree swings, hiking, bike riding, trailer camp outs, beach walks, ocean side fires, kayaking, target shooting, paddle boarding, sturgeon fishing!!

Someone said to me this summer “Wow your child is living his best life!” and it reminded me how lucky I am to be living his best life with him. It reminded me how much I learn from him and from being a Mom.

It’s hard to think about the small number of summers we have left before Jacob isn’t as keen on adventures with Mom and Dad. For now I’m going to lean into these adventures, lean into the best life we get to experience together. I’m going to savour the way the late summer sun feels in the afternoon and the way I feel safe in a way I’ve never experienced or understood until now.

For now I’m going to keep letting myself let it all in. Im going to leave the walls crumbled on the ground. I’m going to enjoy the novelty that is me, that is this adventure! I’m going to enjoy the last few kisses in the summer sun. I’m just going to let it happen….