Tag Archive | stress

Parenthood…

Jan27

And time make you bolder. My only important job in life right now is to protect that little boy and I won’t apologize for that. I’m not here to make friends.

I cannot wrap my head around how far we have let society go in the wrong direction. I cannot understand why we protect the guilty. I cannot understand why we continue to perpetuate a system that breaks the innocent.

My only goal is to make sure my child knows the world is beautiful but the system is broken. Hopefully the faster he learns this lesson the more apt he’ll be to roll with the punches. Maybe if I can teach him to feel deeply but not deep enough to let the pain consume him then everything will be ok.

I hope when he grows up and looks back on these days he realizes my anger towards those perpetrating the horrible, horrendous, unjust system was my way of standing up for him.

I’m just one person and I can’t change all this brokenness alone but I want that child to know I’d run head first into a burning building for him. I want him to know I’ll protect him at a detriment to myself.

I want to stand on the rooftops and scream until everyone sees what this system is doing to our kids!! That we are failing them as soon as we let them out of the gate!!! That so many of those who are supposed to protect them don’t because their perceived power has clouded their ability to see truth, to see right, to fight wrong. I’ve lost all respect for so much and so many.

When you can sit behind a desk, on the other end of a phone call or behind a screen, and try to downplay a situation where children are being assaulted in a place where they are supposed to be safe and make any justification for the situation, or downplay the situation in anyway you’ve lost sight of what’s right and honestly of humanity. You’re the problem but you get a pay-check so I guess that’s good enough for who you are at your core.

The world is beautiful, life is beautiful, the system is fucking broken and disgusting. Try to remember this when you’re feeling the dark.

There You’ll Be

Mar22

You know what I realized sitting here a little battered and tired today? I realized that no one prepared me for any of this. No one prepared me to lose both my parents and my dog in the span of a year. No one ever could of prepared me for that.

No one told me how hard I’d have to advocate for my parents for 2 years before they left us. No one told me about the feelings I’d experience. The frustration, the sadness, the sorrow.

No one prepared me for this surgery. I didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t even really know what to expect despite years in the medical field.

No one has prepared me for any of this but here I am…. A little battered, a little bruised. I’ve lost some pieces of myself along the way and found a few other pieces. But here I am… still holding it together and that’s pretty damn impressive!

Mother’s Day

May5

With Mother’s Day fast approaching and all the love and fun that comes with it there is also sadness. Sadness for those who have lost their Mom, for those who never knew their Mom, for those who long to be a Mom, for those who long to feel the way they did before they were a Mom. Sadness for those who experienced pain at the hands of the one they call(ed) Mom. For those Dad’s who also have to act as Mom. For those Mom’s that suffered loss and long to hold their babies one more time.

Motherhood changes a person. It made me both stronger and softer. It made me both ferocious and timid. It made me feel love in a way I didn’t know existed and it made me feel anger in ways I wish I didn’t know existed. Motherhood has made me feel both full of love and full of terror. It’s made me marvel at my ability and long for a taste of the freedom I once knew. Losing my own Momma recently has made face my own mortality. It’s made me see things I missed my entire life. It’s made me wish for 5 more minutes to tell her things I should of said years ago. It’s made me understand the demons she was fighting and see the fears she faced. I spent my whole life near her and only truly saw some things for what they were once she was gone.

Being a Mom is hard. Being a Mom is exhausting. Being a Mom means giving up part of who you are so you can help your kids be who they are. Being a Mom is an amazing journey. Losing your Mom is a journey of a different sort.

To all the Mom’s out there…. I see you. I walk beside you! I’m here to help hold you up. I’m here to tell you those feelings and frustrations are ok. To all those who lost their Mom…. I am you, I hold a membership card to that club we didn’t ask to join and I cry with you.

To all the Aunts, Grandmas, friends, sisters, Dads that help stand in for us Mommas when we are sick, tired, drained, broken, or when we just need a minute…. Thank you.

If I Didn’t Know Better….

Jul25

Let’s be real here…. Clearly this year I haven’t stuck to the Thankful Thursday posts this year. It’s one more thing that has fallen to the wayside due in major part to the massive changes in my life. Why when I type that does it sound like such a cop-out? I think because I’m still trying to learn to cope with the changes. Learning to navigate.

Obviously the project didn’t go according to plan! I haven’t done one of the Thankful Thursday posts in a couple months. Those of you who know me in real life probably already know the reason for that! It’s not because I’m not finding things to be thankful for but because my life has been absolutely full of change. Massive changes that required my full attention and presence. In early January I learned my parents sold their home. It blindsided all of us because the house wasn’t listed for sale. They never told us they planned to do this. They just did it. Now I’m not going to go into a lot of personal detail here but know my parents are both heading towards 80 and we knew right away the best case scenario was for them was to move in with us. It would make things “easier” for us to be able to provide them care as required with them in our home. Things have been tough since covid hit. We found ourselves trying to maintain helping them as needed but also trying to maintain the required distance as required by local laws a d for safety sake of all involved. It was a lot and often didn’t work as well as we needed to.

It was a few months of organizing, purging, cleaning, packing, but mostly reassuring, talking, explaining, and trying to process my own feelings while trying to support my parents as their entire world changed.

It’s been 3 months now and it’s safe to say the honeymoon is over and real life slapped me in the face like a barn door in a wind storm. I’m doing my best to try to achieve that balance of keeping my little core families needs met by prioritizing time with just the three of us. Sometimes it’s easier than others but we did get in a trip up to Hundred mile for a week on the lake! We also got to escape to the island for a week to visit with Kevin’s family. Both were much needed. I’m also trying to maintain my own small space for my needs while being hugely responsible for the needs of my parents.

I find myself waffling between wanting to use this as my space to write about the trials and tribulations of caring for my aging parents, a place to scream about the horrors and hurt caused by dementia and memory loss. A place to word vomit it all out! At the same time I find myself a bit fearful and confused. I guess I’m torn between knowing what I need for my brain to process all this and also knowing that some family members read this and being very aware that reading about some of this on a public internet blog might not sit well. Well… I guess this is my official content warning…. I might blog about things you don’t agree with. You don’t have to be here. I hope you stay and can be supportive but nothing is forcing you to continue reading.

It’s interesting to me that I find myself posting any sort of warning to someone who really only follows along for information. To a person(s) who doesn’t actually offer any support or advice or even any genuine care. So before you pass your unwelcome, unneeded, unrequested judgement on my posts, my life, or how I choose to process this part of my journey please ask yourself this, are you actually part of my life? Like really part of my life or just a “Facebook friend” ? Please know my heart is not closed to any of you but also know I won’t wait by the front gate for any of you to maybe drop by. I will however always answer my phone and my door to respectful relationships with all of you!

You Gotta Do It Yourself

May8

Not everyone is going to like this…. but here it is…. Your mental health and well-being are more important than your job, than your career. More important than your deadlines, your to do list. Bigger than that event you said you’d attend. More important than your size. Bigger than money. More important than other people’s moods. If taking care of your mental health means letting someone else down than let them down. You’re mental health is more important than other people’s opinions of you. Its more important than status. You cannot be successful unless you take care of your own needs. Expressing your emotions and feelings is not a sign of weakness. Doing your best doesn’t mean pleasing all the people all the time. Do the things you need to do for your own well-being. You’re more of an asset to your family when you treat yourself with the love and respect you need and deserve. Fill your own cup and love yourself ❤️

Thankful Thursday Week 2021 10/52

Mar4

Ten weeks of 2021 have come and gone. As I age I really realize how quickly time moves and somedays it’s really hard to swallow.

Speaking of time, Yesterday was a busy day!! The first half was all about hurry up and wait! I had to wait for the sourdough bread to do its thing so I could get it baked and out the door to 2 friends! It’s kinda neat to know something I create is being used to create a meal for another family to have dinner tonight! Covid may mean we can’t be together but we can stay connected!

The rest of the day was errands and groceries! I really enjoyed getting out of the house, even if was just for groceries. Kevin took me to my favourite local market (Ralph’s) and to Homesense! We went to Costco and he stopped and got me some Apple AirPods because the noise canceling function was recommended to me to help my mental health! I desperately need quiet to function and feel whole.

I’m very thankful I’ve got a husband who makes me take advice that may help me despite the cost.

Muffin would like you to know she’s extremely thankful for guacamole 🤣 This pup begged for guacamole and chips for an hour last night! She made me laugh!

Make some sense of what you think you see…

Sep10

Pay attention to your surroundings because secrets are most often hidden in plain sight.

Sometimes I create these wild scenarios in my head. Scenarios to explain why something is happening or not happening. More often then not when something is bothering me with someone or a situation I’ve had the argument or conversation in my head multiple times before we get around to laying the cards on the table. By the time you realize I’m angry I’ve already surpassed the point of simple recovery. I use to think I might be legitimately crazy but with age comes wisdom. Now at 38 years old I realize that I am one of those people who feel things viscerally. I can’t let things go until I’ve gone over every version of the situation a number of times. Break it into a million pieces and put it back together just so.

Do your shattered, jagged edges cut through everything? Through everyday or do they glisten in the sunshine as you try to figure out how to navigate a world where we’re all a little broken and jagged?

My imperfections are not inadequacies, they are my truths. They are what makes me who I am. You can try to make sense of these things but all you will ever do is base me on you. The version of me you have created doesn’t actually exist. That person is simply an outcome of the pieces of me you want to take. The events you want to remember. The conversations both spoken and not that you have glued together with your feelings and your thoughts. This is the only way we really know anyone.

Sweet friend, Norman bates said it best “It’s not like my mother is a maniac or a raving thing. She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes.”

Thankful Thursday Week 36/52

Sep3

Hello September 🍂

What a wild ride 2020 has been so far! This week has been a tough one for me personally. After an awesome adventure with my little family I found it tough to settle back into the day to day and harder yet to face the reality of dealing with our new normal. I’m really doing my best through all of this to find a bit of calm but when weeks like this hit it’s tough.

So this week I’m beyond grateful for a few friends who take the time to check in. For friends who ask questions to be sure I’m truly ok. Friends who pick up the phone and call me or send a text! Friends who don’t have an agenda! Friends who care enough to ask why we came home early from our trip. Friends who take the time to listen when I need to vent about how hard the current situation I’m facing with aging parents truly is. Friends who are true and real!

So thank you to those friends! Thank you for the unguarded love. Thank you for the mutual respect. Thank you for being you.

One Year….

Aug21

It’s been exactly one year since I walked away from my job with an employer who didn’t value me as a employee but worse he didn’t value you me as a human being. Finding the courage to walk away from a well paying job when I was the sole provider for my little family was one of the hardest and most terrifying things I had ever done!!! But you know what? It was the best decisions I ever made. My well-being and my mental health, my actual health, my sanity all proved more important than a paycheque. Finding my self worth and myself again has been a journey. But as I sit here in this little cabin, looking at the moon reflecting on the lake I’ve never been more sure of something in my life!!

Take care of yourself! Your whole self! Don’t put up with people who treat you like you’re worth less than they are! Don’t put up with people who think they own you because they sign your paycheque. Treat others with respect and don’t tolerate those who don’t treat you the same. Love the ones who love you. Find your people and hold on!

Everything will work out even if the first step terrifies you!

Thankful Thursday Week 16/52

Apr16

Hey friends! I’m not going to lie to any of you…. I’ve been cranky!! Not just a little off full on cranky!! I’m frustrated by having to put my renovations on hold and by being unable to move forward. I know it’s Thursday and my goal is to post what I’m thankful for but I’m also real. This whole thing is hard!

So today I’m Thankful for being able to be honest and tell you all that I’m struggling. I’m longing for normalcy of the day to day life we lost so abruptly! I do however remind myself daily how lucky I am that my family is safe and healthy and how much worse things could be! So I’m thankful I can be real and honest and still admit this is all very hard!