Tag Archive | thankful

On Christmas Nostalgia….

Dec20

I know I keep going back to this topic but this time of year it hits me right in the gut. I’ve spent hours tracking down vintage decor from years gone by and every piece takes my breath away when I find it because the memories flood my whole world.

Gazing at the Christmas lights in our window and I picture that holly tree outside my childhood living room window and the single strand of Christmas lights my dad put up.

Every Christmas cookie transports me back to that little farmhouse kitchen. I’m right there warm from the roaring fire in the wood stove decorating gingerbread men with my mom. Coconut hair and smartie buttons every year. Those sugar cookies with the Nutty club green and red fancy sugar glisten in my mind. Mincemeat tarts and platters of cheese, garlic sausage with ritz crackers look so fancy in my memory.

Watching Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer in my pj’s on the living room floor. I think I can still feel that worn brown carpet if I close my eyes and try hard enough. That tiny living room felt huge when I was small. The worn tinsel garland hung ceiling corner to corner. Stockings thumb-tacked to that wood panel wall. Santa knew to use the front door because our chimney was certain death as we didn’t have a fireplace. I know Santa knew because big brother Earl assured me every year.

The coffee table always looked festive with a bowl of Christmas candy, a fancy starched dollie and our hobnail flocked poinsettia candle holder. It wasn’t much but oh how I looked forward to helping put those decorations out! The fresh cut tree in the corner was always too big for that room! Back then I didn’t know our home wasn’t fancy. I didn’t know it was too small. It was home and it was welcoming. It was lived in and Christmas made it feel even cozier.

It’s so magical I keep going back there in my dreams because nostalgia thankfully paints over the ugly parts when it comes to take you on a trip down that candy cane lane.

What I wouldn’t give to have one more Christmas in that old farmhouse. One more batch of cookies with Mom. One more trip to cut down a tree with Dad and one more reassuring conversation with my big brother that Santa won’t slide into the wood stove!

I’ll be home for Christmas if only in my dreams.

6:48 pm

Dec11

Three years ago today I held her hand as she left this world. I listened as she took her last breath. There hasn’t been a day since then that I haven’t thought about her. Her favourite things have become my favourite things because they remind me of her. I find myself buying things in the grocery store she bought. I find myself ordering the food she loved in restaurants. I buy myself the flowers and I eat the cake because of her. I try my hardest to bring Jacob happiness and give him little treats the way she did for me. I carry everything about her real deep in my chest.

Nostalgia

Dec10

After school gingerbread decorating with Christmas royalty!! Oh how I pray these memories stick with these kids and some day when they are in their 40’s they think back on these moments and smile. I hope they feel the nostalgia…. I hope when im gone and they miss me that they hold these memories close

I know it’s July…

Jul21

But there is something so soothing about the orange glow of a pumpkin. It doesn’t matter if it’s real or fake, there is solace and quiet peace in the glow.

It’s the glow of nostalgia. It’s the glow of rest. It’s the glow of acceptance that things are quieting down. It’s the glow that leads to regrowth.

There is something special about the Fall season. Something secret and restorative.

There is something calming about that glow and there is something beautiful in soaking it in whenever you need it!

Sometimes….

Jun15

Self care looks like cancelling your Saturday night plans, soaking in a lush bath and ordering yourself dinner!

The boys are at a movie tonight and I opted for a quiet night in and I absolutely made the right decision.

I still can’t shake the effects of having strep throat a couple weeks ago. I’m exhausted and sore. I think this time of year is hard for me. I always get sick in June.

I’m going to finish eating my dinner and cuddle up with a book and my Bandit!

I hope everyone has a great Saturday night 🩵

What a year it’s been…

Apr29

On the eve of 42… Goodbye Cheers to 41… a year of coping, grieving, and finding my path towards healing. I’m so thankful for the little family I love and to my friends for helping hold me up when I stumbled this year!! I’m so thankful to my core crew who encouraged me to find my peace and see the joy in rediscovering adventure 🩷🩵🩷

I’m so thankful to those who see the best in me even when I’m struggling.

I’m so thankful to the few I’ve grown close to this year and the safe place they offer me when I’m struggling and when I’m thriving.

I’m so thankful for so much!

Morning Soliloquy…

Apr29

What a blessing to wake up here on the eve of my 42 birthday. What a blessing to hear the waves crash as I walk with my best friend. What a blessing to spend these days with the loves of my life. What a blessing to see the light.

Shadows in the darkness…

Apr25

Odd flashes of light that don’t make any sense.

When you think you’ve got the grief handled it rears its head after a week of happiness. It knocks you down when you feel like yourself. You can’t float because it has a way of taking the wind from your sails and the worst part is you can’t figure out why it comes like this.

I was told the best thing to do is sit with the grief. Feel it. Embrace it. I can tell you at 5 am just days before my 42 birthday I don’t want to feel it.. I want to shake it. I want to feel like I did on better days this week. I want the sunshine to come back. I want to drink coffee with people I love. I want to laugh. I want to feel the sparks of life. I want to feel like me.

I think in reality it never goes away. Grief is like a chronic illness we will live with the rest of our lives. Sometimes the pain subsides but the symptoms always come back.

I can tell you it’s shitty.

I guess maybe the grief is a reminder to really embrace the good stuff. A reminder to really hold on to the people who make you feel loved and safe. A reminder to sit down and listen to those stories, Really hear the words. Memorize the sound of their voice. Trace the shape of those faces into your mind as you listen to them talk.

None of this life is anything we get to keep forever… Embrace the little moments, hug a little longer. Let the sunshine days recharge your soul so you’re strong enough to weather the mornings you wake up with dread.