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Popcorn and Parenting…

May8

Today I spent the majority of the day working with Jacob on his science project!

This project was such a solid reminder to me how different my child’s childhood is than mine was.

This little science project was originally due last Thursday and I had asked Jacob’s teacher for an extension due to the sadness and grieving we all were experiencing last week with the loss of Gill.

Looking over the past week never once was my child stressed because this project wasn’t being done, never once was he stressed because it was late never once was he concerned or had any anxiety over this project!

Never once did I yell at him or raise my voice to him, even though I have spent the last week and a bit stressing over his project and overthinking it and over analyzing it.

When I look at the finished product that we created, it reminds me of the visions I had in my head as a child for my own science projects. Ones I was never able to create to a level I was proud of. Never was I able to create what I envisioned because I was never good at making bubble letters by hand and I never had all of the bits and pieces nor would anyone take me to the dollar store to acquire those bits and pieces. There was not extra money for things to make my science project look pretty. When I was a kid, we had what we needed. There were always lots of groceries. The house was always warm. We always had clothes and shoes. Our needs were always more than met but the shiny bits and pieces were often what we went without. But you know what that was OK we did just fine without the shiny bits.

Today Jacob and I started working on this project at about 10 AM. The child had a crash course on how to use the cricut machine. He had a crash course on how to use Design Space software and how to use the MacBook. He pawed through the extensive box of scrapbooking paper to find just the right materials. He even ventured in to my sticker collection to see what he could find.

We worked together to create all of the bits and pieces. We then laid them all out in a mock up before we took a break and went to McDonald’s for lunch and before heading to the dollar store to collect materials! We came home and assembled it. Gluing and giggling as it came together! Popcorn kernels littered the floor!

He walked away from this day so very proud of his project and happily telling me how much fun he had!! He was excited that he was able to teach me something because I honestly had no idea there was water inside corn kernels!!

What a wildly different childhood my child is experiencing from my own! I vividly remember my first science project in grade 4 and it was a planet science project. I didn’t know what I was doing and no one would help me. Not because my parents were mean or didn’t care but because my dad worked full-time, and my mom simply was unable to help with a lot of academic things . I remember I had to stay home from school on a Thursday to finish it and I got yelled at so much. The yelling was because I did not finish the project in a timely manner. I did not meet the due date assigned by my teacher and growing up rules were to be strictly followed in our home. The word of school and of teachers was next to godliness.

I have the utmost respect for Jacob‘s teachers. I absolutely could not even begin to do their job. I do not possess the patients or the calmness to deal with a classroom full of inquiring minds. I respect the teachers directives. I respect due dates, but I also am a realist…

Sometimes things in life are more important than a due date.

After asking for the extension last week this new week proceeded to get away from us for a multitude of reasons. Our plan was to knock this project out Wednesday night when I got home at 5 pm. Instead life and mental health needs had other plans! Jacob called me at 4 pm while I was with A and asked if he could go swimming with Carter. I said yes while knowing that in the grand scheme of life staying home on a Thursday to do your science project really wasn’t a big deal.

This little science project taught Jacob and I more about life and love and how it feels to have somebody help you and how it feels to help somebody with something important in their life then it did about actual science.

This little science project healed a tiny part of my 10-year-old inner child who over the course of this lifetime has remembered crying over that planetary science project many times.

I hold no grudges or ill memories of my parents for being unable to help me in the educational department, and I have nothing but respect and thankfulness for the life that they provided me, even if it didn’t always have the shiny bits. In this life, and through my own grief, I have learned that things can coexist. Feelings of grief and happiness for example. I am immensely thankful that I am able to help Jacob on projects like this even when it stirs up bits of my own trauma. I’m so thankful that I learned about the importance of not stressing my child out over silly things. I love(d) my parents ferociously, but I’m so thankful that I love my child differently than I was loved.

I think one of the biggest secrets of being a parent is just how healing the journey can be if you allow it.

Amazing how a science project on matter was such a staunch reminder of what really matters.

Life is better with a dog…

Mar20

I can’t help but wonder what she thinks about me. This girl met me when I was in the deepest, darkest, most heartbreaking season of loss in my life thus far. She stood by my side and learned to trust her new family and me as I fell deeper into the depths of loss.

She snuggled me as the tears flowed. She stayed near each time I fell apart. She watched everything.

Over the last two years she has watched as I’ve slowly found my way back to the sunshine. She watched as I clawed my way out of those dark depths. She saw me take my first steps on stable emotional ground. She must see and feel the difference in me.

What I know for sure is her eyes are often on me. She still watches everything I do. She checks in regularly. She boops me with her paw. She lays the weight of her body on mine at least once a day and we bask in the knowledge we are here for each other. Her ability to understand emotion and offer empathy is clear. Her love is pure.

I know we share a strong neurological bond and we are each other’s daily oxytocin dealer but I really wonder what it was like for her watching my sadness lift.

What I know for certain is the universe gave me exactly what I needed when it brought us together after Muffin left. 🐾🩷

This week in Motherhood….

Jan9

I had the unexpected job of finding a suitable punishment for an event that disappointed me, disgusted me and reminded me how easy it is to be mean to another person when you’re frustrated and sad.

This week in motherhood I had the unfortunate job of explaining to my son that something’s, some friends, some people aren’t worthy of our energy.

This week in motherhood I was reminded that my Momma bear side will burn bridges if they continue to give my baby bear splinters.

This week in motherhood I got to explain to my son that adults often get things wrong. I got to teach him that how adults right their wrongs is in direct relation to the strength of their character. I had to tell him that unfortunately some adults refuse to right their wrongs and their isn’t much you can do in those circumstances except make the best choice for yourself in trusting again.

This week in Motherhood I got to witness my son’s true character shine through as he embraced learning about a differently abled friend and taking part in her birthday celebrations.

This week in motherhood I was intrigued to watch the interactions between cousins after a hard start to the week. So much laughter and fun was found in the aftermath of learning how it feels to hurt and be hurt.

This week in motherhood I found myself so exhausted I had to take multiple mid day naps!

Shadows in the darkness…

Apr25

Odd flashes of light that don’t make any sense.

When you think you’ve got the grief handled it rears its head after a week of happiness. It knocks you down when you feel like yourself. You can’t float because it has a way of taking the wind from your sails and the worst part is you can’t figure out why it comes like this.

I was told the best thing to do is sit with the grief. Feel it. Embrace it. I can tell you at 5 am just days before my 42 birthday I don’t want to feel it.. I want to shake it. I want to feel like I did on better days this week. I want the sunshine to come back. I want to drink coffee with people I love. I want to laugh. I want to feel the sparks of life. I want to feel like me.

I think in reality it never goes away. Grief is like a chronic illness we will live with the rest of our lives. Sometimes the pain subsides but the symptoms always come back.

I can tell you it’s shitty.

I guess maybe the grief is a reminder to really embrace the good stuff. A reminder to really hold on to the people who make you feel loved and safe. A reminder to sit down and listen to those stories, Really hear the words. Memorize the sound of their voice. Trace the shape of those faces into your mind as you listen to them talk.

None of this life is anything we get to keep forever… Embrace the little moments, hug a little longer. Let the sunshine days recharge your soul so you’re strong enough to weather the mornings you wake up with dread.

Hello December..

Dec1

Hello December, I’m filled with both excitement and a bit of sadness as we start this festive month. This morning I was excited to shower treats upon my baby and my fur baby! Jacob loved the things Elfonzo brought and Bandit was very intrigued by these boxes of treats first thing in the morning that we were all very excited to show her!! Treats before breakfast and gingerbread are currently her favourite parts of Christmas!! Jacob was excited when he noticed a Purdys Santa beside his lunch. The Purdys Santa is 100% something Mom did for me as a child on December First! December lost most of it’s magic last year when Grandma got sick and left us and I want to honor her memory and my memories of how hard she always tried to make Christmas special by doing my best to bring back the fun and magic of this special month. 🎄🎄🎄⛄️⛄️⛄️🤶🏻🎅

Mother’s Day

May5

With Mother’s Day fast approaching and all the love and fun that comes with it there is also sadness. Sadness for those who have lost their Mom, for those who never knew their Mom, for those who long to be a Mom, for those who long to feel the way they did before they were a Mom. Sadness for those who experienced pain at the hands of the one they call(ed) Mom. For those Dad’s who also have to act as Mom. For those Mom’s that suffered loss and long to hold their babies one more time.

Motherhood changes a person. It made me both stronger and softer. It made me both ferocious and timid. It made me feel love in a way I didn’t know existed and it made me feel anger in ways I wish I didn’t know existed. Motherhood has made me feel both full of love and full of terror. It’s made me marvel at my ability and long for a taste of the freedom I once knew. Losing my own Momma recently has made face my own mortality. It’s made me see things I missed my entire life. It’s made me wish for 5 more minutes to tell her things I should of said years ago. It’s made me understand the demons she was fighting and see the fears she faced. I spent my whole life near her and only truly saw some things for what they were once she was gone.

Being a Mom is hard. Being a Mom is exhausting. Being a Mom means giving up part of who you are so you can help your kids be who they are. Being a Mom is an amazing journey. Losing your Mom is a journey of a different sort.

To all the Mom’s out there…. I see you. I walk beside you! I’m here to help hold you up. I’m here to tell you those feelings and frustrations are ok. To all those who lost their Mom…. I am you, I hold a membership card to that club we didn’t ask to join and I cry with you.

To all the Aunts, Grandmas, friends, sisters, Dads that help stand in for us Mommas when we are sick, tired, drained, broken, or when we just need a minute…. Thank you.

Mental Health Day ….

Feb17

Look… parenting is hard and I’m the first one to stand up and admit all too frequently I get it wrong. This morning tho, I got it right!

I’m a huge advocate for mental health and treating ourselves with grace. So this morning when Jacob woke up and called me into his room to make a case for missing school today I didn’t skip a beat. As soon as this usually excited for school seven year old told me he was tired and a bit sad I said ok. He continued to plead his case that he’s not sick he’s just tired/sad and I sat down on his bed and said “J you don’t need to convince me you need a mental health day” .

Let’s be real here…we could all benefit from the odd mental health day here and there and because I’ve realized the importance of this in my own life I 100% support it in my child’s life! I was so thankful this morning when even J’s teacher was enthusiastic and supportive of him having a mental health day!

I grew up with parents from a generation that all too frequently ignored mental health. A generation that championed pushing themselves to physical and mental exhaustion. Don’t get me wrong I have the utmost respect for work ethic but I also have mad respect for anyone willing to set boundaries to respect/protect their health, both physical and mental! The past two years have been hard but I’ve learned so much and I know what’s important to me. Nurturing my child’s mental health is just as important as vaccinating him, feeding him well, and keeping his body healthy!

Feeling safe, loved, and heard is so important. Today I got it right and J definitely felt all those things.

We called it a mental health day…Now he’s in great spirits. We just got home! We walked, talked, had breakfast, played at the skate park, watched the ducks, practiced our dance moves on the stage at the amphitheater, laughed, and his favourite part was when I gave him a $5 bill to hide at the skate park for someone else to find and help brighten their day! Side note…it’s actually international Random act of kindness day!

During our morning adventure we talked about the importance of filling our cup and the importance of doing little things to help others fill theirs when we can! We talked about how it’s important to feel our feelings, how it’s ok to be sad sometimes. We talked about making sure we rest, play, work hard, and honor our feelings!

Now we’re cuddling on the couch and he just paused his screen time to tell me this was the best morning he’s ever had! And with that he made my cup overflow. I got it right this morning friends 💙💙💙

Thankful Thursday September 16 2021

Sep16

This morning I crawled out of my warm bed to take Muffin out to pee. I was hit with cold air upon opening the door! Cold air I haven’t felt since early last spring! I rushed Muff along and upon returning inside took a moment to crawl into bed beside Jacob. His barely awake warm self instantly embraced me and we cuddled for a solid 10 minutes before going about our regular before school routine. Now as I sit here reflecting on the morning I realize how much those ten minutes changed my day. They made me feel loved and relaxed and that put me in a great mood. I had more patience with my parents this morning and generally find myself less stressed!!

I hope our cuddle had the same effect on his day and I hope he never outgrows Momma cuddles! ❤️

August Slipped Away Into A Moment In Time….

Sep2

But I can see all the moments etched in my mind.

The passing of time is a cruel reminder that life is only so many seasons long. I’m sitting here this morning trying to figure out where the Summer went.

I’m thankful we got to spend time as a family making memories. As I look towards the approaching Fall I have an extremely strong grasp on what’s important to me while everything else seems to be spiralling out of control around me.

With that being said, honestly im exhausted. We are about to start down a brand new path of a child in school learning, a husband with a permanent injury attempting to go back to work, and continuing to weather the storm of aging parents.

Every time I think I’ve caught my breath something seems to push be back under the wave I’m trying not to drown in. I think I’m tired of trying to fill that void.