Archives

Happy Birthday

Feb4

10 years
3653 days

That’s how many days you’ve blessed us with the gift of knowing you. The gift of watching you grow and learn. The laughs , the tears, the smart mouth!

Boo bear, Mini McGavin, Captain Sass-pants…. Every day with you is an adventure.

I cannot wrap my head around the fact you turn 10 today. The math isn’t mathing because I’m sure I just had you. I’m sure I just watched you take your first steps, heard your first word. I’m sure I just watched you walk into your first day of school but I blinked and now I watch you navigate life and friendship. I watch from the sidelines as you dominate on the football field. I watch you as you learn the good and bad about this world. I watch every day as you grow a little more and learn a little more.

I am so thankful that through all the tough things you’ve faced you still stay soft and kind. I’m so relieved that you have found your voice and your strength. I hope that you always keep your kindness and your curiosity. I pray you always see the good in things.

I’m so incredibly proud of the 10 year old you’ve become.

You’re not a little kid anymore but you’ll always be my baby boy 🩵 🐻

This week in Motherhood….

Jan9

I had the unexpected job of finding a suitable punishment for an event that disappointed me, disgusted me and reminded me how easy it is to be mean to another person when you’re frustrated and sad.

This week in motherhood I had the unfortunate job of explaining to my son that something’s, some friends, some people aren’t worthy of our energy.

This week in motherhood I was reminded that my Momma bear side will burn bridges if they continue to give my baby bear splinters.

This week in motherhood I got to explain to my son that adults often get things wrong. I got to teach him that how adults right their wrongs is in direct relation to the strength of their character. I had to tell him that unfortunately some adults refuse to right their wrongs and their isn’t much you can do in those circumstances except make the best choice for yourself in trusting again.

This week in Motherhood I got to witness my son’s true character shine through as he embraced learning about a differently abled friend and taking part in her birthday celebrations.

This week in motherhood I was intrigued to watch the interactions between cousins after a hard start to the week. So much laughter and fun was found in the aftermath of learning how it feels to hurt and be hurt.

This week in motherhood I found myself so exhausted I had to take multiple mid day naps!

What nobody mentions…

Sep8

When you’re pregnant people are quick to share advice and tips. When you have a new born everyone has a sure fire way to help you cope! When you reach the toddler years the other Mom’s are quick to share stories about what is working and what isn’t.

But what nobody talks about is how it’s going to feel when you realize your little isn’t little anymore. No one talks about the last time they rocked their little to sleep because the thing about last times is we generally don’t know it’s the last time.

No one tells you the sting of going from a moment of elation watching your 9 year old run in a touchdown to the utter gut punch moment of realizing your 9 year old is now big enough and strong enough to be excelling in a full contact sport.

No one tells you about the day their little strolled into the kitchen and got their own snack because they don’t need to rely on the grown ups for simple things anymore.

Nobody tells you.

Nobody talks about it.

We all experience it over and over tho. We take it in stride, We absorb it in quiet. We wipe away the tear that spilled out as we try to catch our breath. We endure it alone, in our way. But we don’t talk about it.

Nothing slows down ….. my baby moves faster everyday and tho he’s still right here he’s metaphorically miles away all the time. He’s finding his path, he’s finding his strength, he’s finding himself.

No one told me how to swallow the bittersweet taste of watching my only baby become a big kid.

No one told me that my proudest days of watching him succeed would come with nights laying awake wondering how it all went down so fast.

Time is betraying me while it simultaneously holds open doors of adventure, growth, and wisdom for Jacob. Time is stealing him from me and me from him.

Nobody talks about it because it’s life’s greatest hurt.

I know it’s July…

Jul21

But there is something so soothing about the orange glow of a pumpkin. It doesn’t matter if it’s real or fake, there is solace and quiet peace in the glow.

It’s the glow of nostalgia. It’s the glow of rest. It’s the glow of acceptance that things are quieting down. It’s the glow that leads to regrowth.

There is something special about the Fall season. Something secret and restorative.

There is something calming about that glow and there is something beautiful in soaking it in whenever you need it!

Sometimes….

Jun15

Self care looks like cancelling your Saturday night plans, soaking in a lush bath and ordering yourself dinner!

The boys are at a movie tonight and I opted for a quiet night in and I absolutely made the right decision.

I still can’t shake the effects of having strep throat a couple weeks ago. I’m exhausted and sore. I think this time of year is hard for me. I always get sick in June.

I’m going to finish eating my dinner and cuddle up with a book and my Bandit!

I hope everyone has a great Saturday night 🩵

The Sweetest Sadness In Your Eyes…

Apr5

Every morning after we get the kids to school… after our walk is done we take a few minutes and cuddle quietly on the couch. We soak in the silence and just breathe and honestly it might be my favourite moment of my day. I know not everyone can understand the bond I share with Bandit. To some people she’s “just a dog” but to me she’s the soul who helped pick up my brokenness in my season of loss. 🩵🐾

My Houndy Love

Mar11

It’s Bandit’s rescue-aversary!! 2 years ago today this beautiful girl and her brothers were rescued in Mexico and everyday I’m eternally grateful that this girl is my girl.
I truly don’t know what I’d do without this sweet soul by my side!! I’ve never experienced a bond with another creature (animal or human) like the bond I share with her. She was my soft spot to land during my profound season of loss. Through a season of gut wrenching heartbreak she found her way to me and was there to love. Without words she’s helped paw my heart back together. Without words she reminds me daily what love means. She reminds me to find time to play, to smell the smells and to love our boys with annoying enthusiasm. She is without a doubt one of the bright spots in my life that keep me going.

Tuesday

Feb13

Some days you gotta say fuck the mind numbing tasks of adulthood and go for a walk with one of your besties in the beautiful sunshine! Check out an antique shop and then cuddle your fuzzy bestie!!

Life is too short to not do the things that fill your cup!

Parenthood…

Jan27

And time make you bolder. My only important job in life right now is to protect that little boy and I won’t apologize for that. I’m not here to make friends.

I cannot wrap my head around how far we have let society go in the wrong direction. I cannot understand why we protect the guilty. I cannot understand why we continue to perpetuate a system that breaks the innocent.

My only goal is to make sure my child knows the world is beautiful but the system is broken. Hopefully the faster he learns this lesson the more apt he’ll be to roll with the punches. Maybe if I can teach him to feel deeply but not deep enough to let the pain consume him then everything will be ok.

I hope when he grows up and looks back on these days he realizes my anger towards those perpetrating the horrible, horrendous, unjust system was my way of standing up for him.

I’m just one person and I can’t change all this brokenness alone but I want that child to know I’d run head first into a burning building for him. I want him to know I’ll protect him at a detriment to myself.

I want to stand on the rooftops and scream until everyone sees what this system is doing to our kids!! That we are failing them as soon as we let them out of the gate!!! That so many of those who are supposed to protect them don’t because their perceived power has clouded their ability to see truth, to see right, to fight wrong. I’ve lost all respect for so much and so many.

When you can sit behind a desk, on the other end of a phone call or behind a screen, and try to downplay a situation where children are being assaulted in a place where they are supposed to be safe and make any justification for the situation, or downplay the situation in anyway you’ve lost sight of what’s right and honestly of humanity. You’re the problem but you get a pay-check so I guess that’s good enough for who you are at your core.

The world is beautiful, life is beautiful, the system is fucking broken and disgusting. Try to remember this when you’re feeling the dark.

Somewhere in my memory…

Dec20

Deep breath friends…. The finish line is right there!! Many of you know that Christmas is my absolute favourite but this is my first Christmas without either of my parents and I’m not going to lie to you…. I’ve been feeling all the feelings. I’ve definitely found moments of joy and festive fun but I’ve also felt sadness and emptiness. I’ve found myself finding nostalgia in all the things and embracing the whole season as best I can. Here’s your reminder that joy and grief can absolutely coexist. It’s ok to be sad and it’s ok to enjoy the season… im over here doing both simultaneously and im ok ❤️