Tag Archive | thoughts

I met my younger self for coffee today…

Jan6

We both showed up 10 minutes early.

She showed up in the passenger seat of our best friend’s car while I showed up alone in a full size Chevy Silverado that I backed into a parking spot. She looked confused but beautiful! I let her know that that particular driving skill terrified us for years and we would once go 3 entire years without driving because of anxiety and fear. Until one day we just said fuck it and did the scary thing! That at 39 years old we’d learn how to really drive with confidence and learn how to back up!

She questioned why I was out alone and I told her that I enjoy being alone sometimes. That I still love being with our friends but I frequently go shopping, for walks, coffee and to the gym alone. She asked if Katie and I were still friends and I told her yes of course! Our kids are friends too and her daughters call our husband Uncle Sasquatch! Baby Katie passed out on the spot!

We ordered our coffee and she side eyed me when I didn’t order fat free milk. I told her that I preferred the flavor of full fat dairy and the extra calories aren’t significant. She sighed in her size 8 lululemons and said “I guess we never lose the weight huh?” I tell her actually we did… we got to goal weight and it did not change how we felt about ourself! I told her at goal weight our body failed and we became the sickest we’d ever been. I told her about the debilitating hip pain, vomiting and the chronic hives. How we almost died during pregnancy from malnutrition…. But then I told her that while running a half marathon at 6 months postpartum I decided the amount of space my body took up on this earth was no longer going to be my constant focus. That yes I’d like to live in a smaller body but starving myself was no longer an option to achieve that. Unfortunately an autoimmune disease would predominantly decided our body shape and size and eventually we’d realized that a functioning pain free body was more important than a small body. I reassured her that we’d do the work and find our self worth and learn to love ourselves for who we are and not the size of our body!

When we went to our table her eyes grew wide as I took off my jacket. “Are those tattoos!?!?” Yes 12 of them! She gasped and I laughed. “I guess with all those you don’t talk to Dad anymore?” I told her not for a few years anyways… Not since he died shortly after mom passed away. She choked back a tear “but were still so young and they are dead”… yes sweet girl they died before we even got our stride as a real grown up but don’t worry we did our absolute best by them. We provided care in their last years and held their hands as they left this world. She stared quietly out the window trying to grasp that news.

She watched as I stood up and warmly embraced a tall well dressed man that had come through the door… “is that our husband? What happened to Shane!!” No sweet girl that’s not our husband, that’s one of our best friends! That particular man will teach you a very important lesson about truly knowing people, trusting your gut and forming your own opinions based on your truths!! It’s very important you double down and embrace that relationship and learning!

As for our husband… it’s not Shane either! We still love Shane…and talk weekly! Our kids are friends too! Our husband tho is the magic … he is a big stoic, husky bearded hunk who lets us away with far too much nonsense but offers us the utmost protection and safety. He is an amazing father and our rock! He lets us hide when the world gets too loud. He’s the kind of man that lets the big hound dog sit at the dinner table only because it makes us happy! He’s not your type…. He’s my type! You’ll understand eventually!

She giggled then sipped her low calorie fat free iced coffee and asked “you keep mentioning a child! I thought we didn’t want kids!” Well they originally told us it was unlikely we’d conceive but the universe had other plans and we have one son and he’s the most amazing gift we have in this life! Tho buckle up buttercup because he’s got your sass and personality! Motherhood is an adventure we didn’t plan for or see coming but don’t worry we’re kinda awesome at it!

She sat quietly for a long time and then asked “Nothing seems to have gone according to my plans…our teaching career must of! Right!?”

Nope! We did not pursue teaching… Psychology actually then nursing. Your life’s work will be providing comfort and support while caring for others but please remember to rest, trust your gut and care for yourself in the process. An awful, scary life event will almost take you out of your line of work and it’s imperative you fight through the darkness because another family needs you years after that assult and they become like family to you.

She sat quietly trying to absorb it all. Before leaving we embraced and she whispered “I think I’ll like being you!”

I held her close and reminded her not to rush it, enjoy every stage of this life, even when it seems unconventional because she’s going to meet her other two best friends… one at work and one because you’ll date her future husband!! I told her the secret that it all goes by faster than you can even grasp. I warned her there would be seasons of profound darkness and she’d almost give up but it’s important to know the deep darkness clears and things are beautiful. Life will never be perfect because perfect doesn’t exist.

I told her she would always feel everything. The whole of the good the heaviness of the bad. That our entire life we’d love so many people in so many ways. That we’d feel love on so many levels. I told her to make sure those people know she loves them. Don’t ever hide it. The love matters. Some would stay a life time and some would stay a season.

I made her promise to find her voice, find her confidence, use her voice and experience life as it comes!

On 15 Years Of Marriage….

Nov17

Fifteen may not seem like a lot when you’re talking about stars in the sky, trees in the forest or vintage Christmas decorations in my house but when you’re talking about years of marriage….. It’s a big number.

Every year we measure and mark the passing of time in so many ways, In big ways like the celebration of birthdays and holidays. In small ways like planting seeds in the spring and harvesting crops in the fall. We all quietly know time and life is passing, we can’t stop it or slow it down. In the grand scheme of life 15 years is a small number for most but for others it’s a lifetime.

15 years of marriage tho…. In our world that’s a big deal. It’s a milestone that has traveled a path of happiness and sadness. The path to this milestone is littered with quiet intimate moments and loud chaotic moments. It’s an airport hangar full of bags. Bags packed neatly full of memories. Some bags fondly remembered with the urge to unpack and relive everything about those times. Other bags packed tightly and buried deeply with the hope of never disturbing the dust. Whether the bag is one we’d like to rip open and immerse ourselves back into or the bag is one in which we have zero inkling to ever touch again those are our bags and they built the foundation and walls of this life.

This past Saturday Kevin and I reached that milestone. 15 years of marriage. 15 years of building this life together. 15 years of building this little family. 15 years of showing up. 15 years of smiles, 15 years of tears, 15 years of working together through the good and bad. 15 years of I love you’s, a few I hate you’s and ultimately the realization that if we lost each others love it would tear our whole world apart.

For 15 years we have joked about this being the longest one night stand EVER. In these 15 years we’ve slammed a few doors in each others faces and almost called it quits a few times. We’ve on occasion said awful things to each other. For 15 years tho no matter what has happened we’ve always found our way back to each other. Back to the love we felt that day in Vegas. Back to goodnight kisses and good morning boob squeezes. Back to each other every single day.

We didn’t celebrate this milestone in a big flashy way. In fact we had an argument the night before. We started the day annoyed and distant with each other. We did however acknowledge this milestone by doing exactly what we’ve done for 15 years… we spent the day doing little errands that could have waited but forced us to be in close proximity to each other. As the hours of the day past we joked, we teased and we got past the hurt of the argument. Little reminders of I love you in quiet ways. We ate Chinese take out on the couch and felt the warmth and safety of just being beside each other. We did exactly what we’ve done to make it to this big milestone. We loved each other even when it was hard.

Summer in the rightest way….

Sep8

Childhood….the days when it felt like an eternity between the first day of school and summer vacation! 10 months that felt like 10 years. Those days we had no idea how quickly the days would pass later in life.

Watching Jacob enjoy his summer this year took me back to my preteen years. A time before responsibilities. A time before screens. A time when my brain still let my imagination run the show. I remember how the dry grass felt on my feet. How the cold lake water took my breath away but I’d jump in over and over. I remember how exciting it was to get to the cabin. How ice cream melted so fast in the hot sun. The smell of campfire smoke in my hair as I drifted off to sleep.

I was lucky enough to relive all these feelings and more this past summer with my little family.

This summer I remembered what summer freedom felt like. This summer I remembered what summer love feels like. This summer I let myself live so many adventures. This summer I found a happiness I’d misplaced a long time ago.

I am blessed to feel safe enough in this life to let Jacob go off on big adventures with friends that I only dreamed of as a child. A week at camp, sleepovers hours away from home, the waterslides, tree swings, hiking, bike riding, trailer camp outs, beach walks, ocean side fires, kayaking, target shooting, paddle boarding, sturgeon fishing!!

Someone said to me this summer “Wow your child is living his best life!” and it reminded me how lucky I am to be living his best life with him. It reminded me how much I learn from him and from being a Mom.

It’s hard to think about the small number of summers we have left before Jacob isn’t as keen on adventures with Mom and Dad. For now I’m going to lean into these adventures, lean into the best life we get to experience together. I’m going to savour the way the late summer sun feels in the afternoon and the way I feel safe in a way I’ve never experienced or understood until now.

For now I’m going to keep letting myself let it all in. Im going to leave the walls crumbled on the ground. I’m going to enjoy the novelty that is me, that is this adventure! I’m going to enjoy the last few kisses in the summer sun. I’m just going to let it happen….

A Sign….

Jul22

I wondered quietly to myself as I pulled into the parking spot at Williams park if I’d get a sign they were there with us….

As soon as we picked a spot and the boys took off into the water Eric pointed out the owl…

I stood in the very spot I’d stood with my Dad so many times as a child admiring this beautiful bird for a long time.

Just like the Christmas snow the sign could not be any clearer.

The signs are always there when you pay attention 🍀🦉❤️

Popcorn and Parenting…

May8

Today I spent the majority of the day working with Jacob on his science project!

This project was such a solid reminder to me how different my child’s childhood is than mine was.

This little science project was originally due last Thursday and I had asked Jacob’s teacher for an extension due to the sadness and grieving we all were experiencing last week with the loss of Gill.

Looking over the past week never once was my child stressed because this project wasn’t being done, never once was he stressed because it was late never once was he concerned or had any anxiety over this project!

Never once did I yell at him or raise my voice to him, even though I have spent the last week and a bit stressing over his project and overthinking it and over analyzing it.

When I look at the finished product that we created, it reminds me of the visions I had in my head as a child for my own science projects. Ones I was never able to create to a level I was proud of. Never was I able to create what I envisioned because I was never good at making bubble letters by hand and I never had all of the bits and pieces nor would anyone take me to the dollar store to acquire those bits and pieces. There was not extra money for things to make my science project look pretty. When I was a kid, we had what we needed. There were always lots of groceries. The house was always warm. We always had clothes and shoes. Our needs were always more than met but the shiny bits and pieces were often what we went without. But you know what that was OK we did just fine without the shiny bits.

Today Jacob and I started working on this project at about 10 AM. The child had a crash course on how to use the cricut machine. He had a crash course on how to use Design Space software and how to use the MacBook. He pawed through the extensive box of scrapbooking paper to find just the right materials. He even ventured in to my sticker collection to see what he could find.

We worked together to create all of the bits and pieces. We then laid them all out in a mock up before we took a break and went to McDonald’s for lunch and before heading to the dollar store to collect materials! We came home and assembled it. Gluing and giggling as it came together! Popcorn kernels littered the floor!

He walked away from this day so very proud of his project and happily telling me how much fun he had!! He was excited that he was able to teach me something because I honestly had no idea there was water inside corn kernels!!

What a wildly different childhood my child is experiencing from my own! I vividly remember my first science project in grade 4 and it was a planet science project. I didn’t know what I was doing and no one would help me. Not because my parents were mean or didn’t care but because my dad worked full-time, and my mom simply was unable to help with a lot of academic things . I remember I had to stay home from school on a Thursday to finish it and I got yelled at so much. The yelling was because I did not finish the project in a timely manner. I did not meet the due date assigned by my teacher and growing up rules were to be strictly followed in our home. The word of school and of teachers was next to godliness.

I have the utmost respect for Jacob‘s teachers. I absolutely could not even begin to do their job. I do not possess the patients or the calmness to deal with a classroom full of inquiring minds. I respect the teachers directives. I respect due dates, but I also am a realist…

Sometimes things in life are more important than a due date.

After asking for the extension last week this new week proceeded to get away from us for a multitude of reasons. Our plan was to knock this project out Wednesday night when I got home at 5 pm. Instead life and mental health needs had other plans! Jacob called me at 4 pm while I was with A and asked if he could go swimming with Carter. I said yes while knowing that in the grand scheme of life staying home on a Thursday to do your science project really wasn’t a big deal.

This little science project taught Jacob and I more about life and love and how it feels to have somebody help you and how it feels to help somebody with something important in their life then it did about actual science.

This little science project healed a tiny part of my 10-year-old inner child who over the course of this lifetime has remembered crying over that planetary science project many times.

I hold no grudges or ill memories of my parents for being unable to help me in the educational department, and I have nothing but respect and thankfulness for the life that they provided me, even if it didn’t always have the shiny bits. In this life, and through my own grief, I have learned that things can coexist. Feelings of grief and happiness for example. I am immensely thankful that I am able to help Jacob on projects like this even when it stirs up bits of my own trauma. I’m so thankful that I learned about the importance of not stressing my child out over silly things. I love(d) my parents ferociously, but I’m so thankful that I love my child differently than I was loved.

I think one of the biggest secrets of being a parent is just how healing the journey can be if you allow it.

Amazing how a science project on matter was such a staunch reminder of what really matters.

What happens when….

Apr23

When the person you love isn’t there anymore?

When the person you call for back up is gone?

When you reach out but can no longer touch them?

When you ask questions out loud but there is no response back?

When you realize you can’t remember how their voice sounded?

When their scent no longer lingers on the few pieces of their clothing you held onto?

When you remember to change your emergency contact information?

Well what happens is a lot of things. A lot of sadness, a lot of realizations, a lot of growing, a lot of learning.

But most of all a lot of forgiveness. Forgiveness of yourself, of them, of words said and of words unsaid.

What happens is life goes on. It goes on in small ways and in big ways. It goes on in quiet ways, and in loud spectacular ways.

What happens is a piece of you dies with them in that hospital room. So you likely won’t ever feel whole again but you are also ok because you know where that missing piece went.

You’ll still talk to them and the way they respond will be something only you see.

You’ll find comfort in things that once made you uncomfortable.

What happens is you’ll be ok… different but ok 🩷

Life is better with a dog…

Mar20

I can’t help but wonder what she thinks about me. This girl met me when I was in the deepest, darkest, most heartbreaking season of loss in my life thus far. She stood by my side and learned to trust her new family and me as I fell deeper into the depths of loss.

She snuggled me as the tears flowed. She stayed near each time I fell apart. She watched everything.

Over the last two years she has watched as I’ve slowly found my way back to the sunshine. She watched as I clawed my way out of those dark depths. She saw me take my first steps on stable emotional ground. She must see and feel the difference in me.

What I know for sure is her eyes are often on me. She still watches everything I do. She checks in regularly. She boops me with her paw. She lays the weight of her body on mine at least once a day and we bask in the knowledge we are here for each other. Her ability to understand emotion and offer empathy is clear. Her love is pure.

I know we share a strong neurological bond and we are each other’s daily oxytocin dealer but I really wonder what it was like for her watching my sadness lift.

What I know for certain is the universe gave me exactly what I needed when it brought us together after Muffin left. 🐾🩷

Happy Birthday

Feb4

10 years
3653 days

That’s how many days you’ve blessed us with the gift of knowing you. The gift of watching you grow and learn. The laughs , the tears, the smart mouth!

Boo bear, Mini McGavin, Captain Sass-pants…. Every day with you is an adventure.

I cannot wrap my head around the fact you turn 10 today. The math isn’t mathing because I’m sure I just had you. I’m sure I just watched you take your first steps, heard your first word. I’m sure I just watched you walk into your first day of school but I blinked and now I watch you navigate life and friendship. I watch from the sidelines as you dominate on the football field. I watch you as you learn the good and bad about this world. I watch every day as you grow a little more and learn a little more.

I am so thankful that through all the tough things you’ve faced you still stay soft and kind. I’m so relieved that you have found your voice and your strength. I hope that you always keep your kindness and your curiosity. I pray you always see the good in things.

I’m so incredibly proud of the 10 year old you’ve become.

You’re not a little kid anymore but you’ll always be my baby boy 🩵 🐻

Without You

Jan31

Yesterday was 2 years without him… I couldn’t even address it yesterday. It was sharp and unbearable to even think about. Sometimes there aren’t words… sometimes you just have to cry alone in a parking lot and listen to the rain on the roof of your truck. Sometimes you just have to pull yourself together and remind yourself that cowgirls don’t cry…. But we do. A lot. 💔